Saturday, August 7, 2010

Something every Christian Minister needs...

It’s not only all of you, My Beloved sinners, who have been learning so much from little Matt Kennedy’s important lessons: even a World Famous Christian such as myself has been blessed with fresh insight into the crucial Conservative task of treating one’s parishioners with as little respect as possible.

His points to have most inspired me are those concerning the vital role of spycraft in Orthodox Ministry (see tips nine and ten), and with these in mind I’ve been spending even more time than usual in preparation for this month’s Vestry meeting. Consequently it was while on a trip to my local discount variety store in search of such latest accoutrements of Biblical Ministry as invisible ink, microdots, and an ultrasonic nausea device that’s less bulky than the Ould twins or David Virtue, that I couldn’t resist purchasing the following:
Unfortunately I still haven't quite worked out how to make it induce the promised convulsions: Bishop Quinine asserts he heard it speaking intelligibly when nobody else was in the room, but since he's been known to make the same claim of Kendall Harmon there's no point taking him seriously. Perhaps if I tie somebody into a chair and make them stare at the blades whirling around and around for hours on end...

... which you've got to admit would be not unlike listening to any of ++Rowan William's more recent pronouncements.

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

5 comments :

Anonymous said...

Perhaps the MIA website projected onto screens during happy clappy Sunday songs may be more effective covert strategies!

Fr Hugh Jass said...

Whenever a new member joins my humble congregation, we normally welcome them warmly to make them feel at home. After the Eucharist, we then subject them to water-boarding to ensure they are truly "conservative". As a futher insurance, we then force them to watch a video of Mr Kennedy preaching John Calvin's Word. This always results in amazing visual convulsions.

Betsy said...

Convulsions may be brought on by the spelling on the package of this amazing flying machine. Isn't that supposed to read "helicopter"?

Anonymous said...

Ms Solemnis
What would a moralist know about grace other than it can't be bought,earnt or traded!

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Betsy: I believe the missing "E" in "HLICOPERS" is subtle nod to the Hebrew paucity of written vowels in an attempt to increase the product's appeal to students of Leviticus.

Meanwhile the "T" was intentionally omitted so as to trigger little Brad's anti-vestment reflex: everyone knows how my son can't resist responding to the vaguest mention of chasubles, cassocks, and copes.