Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Pulitzer Prize & Me

To tell the truth, My Beloved Sinners, I have these past few weeks been seriously considering bringing this important ministry here to an end. After all, my informative and inspiring advertisers aren’t paying nearly as much as they use to, and you can bet your last starving Nigerian subsistence farmer big Pete Akinola and his boys didn’t get where they are today without keeping a tight leash on the bottom line. Just ask little Howard Ahmanson: if Jesus had wanted us to take His little jest about rich men and needle’s eyes literally He wouldn’t have devoted so much time to warning the disciples about the evils of Homosexualism.

Consequently I’ve been busy exploring the possibility of making some real money by writing a successful fantasy series targeting children and grown-ups who like stories without any positive female role-models. My first novel is now completed, and you’ll all agree it’s a truly unforgettable tale: it’s about a young wizard named Harry who, inspired by an older and extraordinarily good-looking Doctrinal Warrior, forswears sorcery and devotes his life to saving the world by bickering about the minutiae of Pauline exegesis and endlessly obsessing over other people’s gender and sexuality.

Strangely enough I initially found literary agents unwilling to respond to my invitations to consider the manuscript. Everything changed when, under the obvious guidance of the Spirit, I resubmitted it under a nom de plume: obviously my reputation as the Leading Conservative Biblical Scholar was too intimidating, and the name of “J.K. Rowling” - which I chose purely at random in a manner not dissimilar to that by which the Apostles appointed whatever-his-name-was to keep the chair warm for St. Paul – allowed my readers to relax and consider the work upon its deeply significant merits.

Sadly, however, the resultant flood of interest was halted by a wave of extremely uncharitable correspondence from a firm of singularly vicious attorneys representing some English woman of whom I’ve never heard, and in relation to whom I can’t stress strongly enough that any resemblance between her own moniker and my penname is purely accidental.

Even so, since their threat to take the shirt from my back wasn’t made in a warm-and-fuzzy Luke 6:29 kind of metaphoric sense, I have since felt called to return to my clerical vocation and scrap this particular project. Which will undoubtedly cause Sinners everywhere to rejoice; in fact it wouldn’t surprise me if someone even started a thread at Viagraville purely for the purpose of allowing the liberals frequenting that place to express their gratitude.

Mind you, I still haven’t entirely abandoned my calling to the Nobel prize for literature, and it wouldn’t be at all surprising if you all soon find me signing an impressive contract with Harlequin/Mills and Boon…

… pressing her trembling breasts into the strong and sensitive Man of God’s chest, Bellatrix Lestrange gasped as his strong and fearless arms drew her closer. “You’ve set me free, my darling. Tell me the conjurer with a face like a rattle snake won’t ever take me away from you. Promise me, I pray of you, that we’ll be together forever…”

“Hush my beloved”, comforted the steel-jawed Doctrinal Warrior as his firm and caring hands stroked her head, each caress drawing her further into the timeless wisdom of his embrace. “Nothing shall ever come between us; not now nor forevermore. I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.”


MadPriest said...

Dear Father Christian. Personally I think the babelicious Emma Watson, is exactly the right role model that we should be encouraging young Christian ladies to emulate - except the ugly ones, of course, who should stay in the church hall kitchen and make coffee and stuff.

Fred Schwartz said...

I get this snes that you might be moving on shortly and I am forced to ask if that is physically or spiritually. AND, if spiritually, will you be takingthe silver (and everything else from your humble abode) with you? And, should that occur, will you be renaming yourself Wellspsrings? Or Hotsprings? or simply conealonial springs?
Inquring minds want to know!

Anonymous said...

Your riveting extract has tittilated me and I am desperate to read more. Please tell me where I can buy a copy.
Does your novel contain any gay scenes of a sexual nature? I know a set of fundamentalist twins who devour such pornography. I can send them your book for Christmas.

Bruce said...

"Bellatrix Lestrange gasped."

Sure to become a best-seller.
Autographing parties planned.


The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

MadPriest: As an Evangelist I'm personally more called to reach out to the Helena Bonham-Carters of this world. Literally, if nobody's watching.
(Although I do also find the idea of sharing a hot-tub with Hagrid quite exhilarating.)

Mr. Schwartz: If I do move on you can be sure I will indeed take everything - including a few of my parishioner's more attractive children. As someone who takes the Scriptures seriously I am, however, at present more drawn towards Rastafarianism than I am to ACNA or any other Duncan-aligned acronym.

Fr. Carte: Even as we speak I’m working on a steamy scene featuring a litigious ex-gay who finds everlasting shelter in the arms of his prostate masseur. Do you think this we appeal to the young twins you have in mind? (My books will, of course, come with a prohibition against permitting them to be read aloud by women when any men are present.)

Bruce: What do you think about the idea of a combined book-launch and Eucharist? Then after selling everybody a signed copy I could take up an offertory? (I believe this strategy has worked most effectively for Bishop N.T. Wright).

Anonymous said...

Father there seems to be an ominous conservative cloud developing and a lot of strategy in play at present. A bit like the time the feminist movement reared it's head in the 70s and 80s. I wonder how Jesus will handle it all?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

From what I've heard about at least several prominent members of the Anglican Church League, Anon 4:08, this little melody is probably a more appropriate summary of their intentions and ambitions. However I'm inclined to believe Jesus' response will actually be more like this.

L F Antyne said...

Hagrid? You're saying Ph-l Ash-y isn't enough for you, Fr Troll?

Anonymous said...

Fr Troll, I think it might play out a bit more like this! God bless.

Anonymous said...

Just noting Anglican Church League website unavailable at 10.10am (Sydney time). Once before it was out of action and pictures were removed before threats of legal action occurred.

Anonymous said...

One to watch!

Anonymous said...

And another to watch!

Anonymous said...

Talk about cryptic comments!