Monday, December 20, 2010

A Christmas message from a faux-primate in Pittsburgh

Dear Father Doctor Reverend Christian,

Golly Gee I’ve had such an exciting this year what with being just like a real primate and all so I thought I’d just send you this quick note to tell you all about how I really am just like a real primate. The way things are going it won’t be long at all before I’ll be needing to take off my shoes and socks and count when people ask how many other primates think I really truly am just as real as they are.

Not that everything has been easy. The Rwandans in America said they want to keep pretending to be in Africa, and people have told me they might’ve been crossing their fingers when they said they’ll be my bestest best friends forever. Nor has little Peter from Sydney been able to come and play as much as he used to, on account of him have wasted all his allowance on investment advisors’ commissions he doesn’t want to talk about. And Jack Iker’s been worrying about some of my clergy giving him girl cooties, while Royal Grote and whatever his Protestant Reformed pack are calling themselves this week aren’t talking to me because Forward in Faith are. Although actually they aren’t much either,since they’re all too busy dreaming about going to the Vatican so as to get away from Homos once and for all.

Still, it'll take more that a little thing like ecclesiastical civil-war to stop my club now! Next year I’ve announced the wonderful news that we’ll be planting ten thousand hundred billion ninety new churches, which is even more than last year’s wonderful announcement of fifty million hundred new plants. And I’ve announced that I’ll be appointing thirty-seven hundred million thousand new bishops, all of whom will also think I’m a real primate. So there!!!

Meantime there’s just one more thing I must tell you, and wowee - it’ll really shut up those liberals nasty liberals who keep saying I’m not a real primate. This one time during the year when I was on an airplane going somewhere to do grown-up primate stuff just like real primates do, the flight attendant came and personally gave me some colored pencils and a Gold Junior Pilot badge! You can bet your last patootie that’s not something they do for Lady-high-and-mighty Presiding Bishop Jefferts Schori.

++Bobbie Duncan PRIMATE

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

17 comments :

Grandmère Mimi said...

Primate Bobby's year has been so exciting that he didn't have time to clip his eyebrows even once.

Anonymous said...

You do realize, of course, that the Catholics and the Orthodox think precisely the same thing about you (and the Lutherans and the Presbyterians and so on)?
And I thought I had no sense of irony.
Enjoy the dressup season!

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Of course I realize that little Brad, you nit. Except they're wrong, and I'm right.

You are, however, completely correct about one thing: you really do have no sense of irony.

Fr Orsen Carte said...

With respect, Father, you have used the wrong photo of the hairy faux Primate.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_gqBirDIUS48/Sd_Tr-1CKQI/AAAAAAAAAok/fQOg73fdb-g/s1600-h/eyebrows+bushy.jpg

Lapinbizarre said...

Surely that is the Bishop of Central Japan, Fr Carte.

Rev. Canon Dr. Wango T. Nimblenuts said...

TORA TORA TORA!

"Sir" said...

Wow! I never knew religion could be so exciting.

Anonymous said...

The whole photo-op gives me the willies (in the American sense but certainly recoils one in the English sense)--yikes, them hairs are taken over Downtown Pittsburgh--send in the flame/fame throwers!

Norbert Hepplewhite, Archbishop of Frudue

Anonymous said...

How do you know this?
Or is this simply something we're to polite to ask?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Sir: You ain't seen nothing yet.
(Although then again, you probably have ;-)

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Anonymous 12:04: Congratulations! The year isn't quite over, but it sure looks like you've secured the award for the most passive-aggressive comment of 2009.

And now just so you can't complain about your question not being answered: I know this because I know everything. Got it?

Paul Powers said...

Having a comment made in 2010 win the passive-aggressive award for 2009 is no mean feat.

Merry Christmas, Father Troll.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Just checking to see if anyone's paying attention, my child ;-)

God Bless & Merry Christmas to you and all whom you hold dear Paul!

Nixon said...

No, I don't got it.
And your church is still shrinking away to little more than Something White People Like/NPR at prayer.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

But c'mon little Brad - my Conservative Brethren are doing everything they can to make it more like Fox News at prayer.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Little Brad - perhaps we may deserve the fundiegelicals, but nobody deserves a boring and repetitive whack-job like you. If you can't bother posting something you haven't posted a dozen times before I can't be bothered not deleting you.

Understand? Or do I need to get Matron to tattoo it on your forehead?