Suffer the little children.

Christmas is still a few days away, but this year House Republicans have given a present early to one of the neediest and most underprivileged groups in the world – wealthy old men.

That’s right, My Beloved Sinners, despite have romped through the Senate with 112 co-sponsors, thanks to the faithful work of Republican Congressmenthe bipartisan International Protecting Girls by Preventing Child Marriage Act was stopped as dead in its tracks as most of those young brides will be once their purchasers loving husbands have finished with them.

Biblical Christians everywhere should indeed give thanks that the right for men to enjoy an exploitative and lecherous life of pedophilic matrimony has been so bravely defended from this bill, which would have authorized the President to provide assistance through NGOs engaged in the wicked, wicked practice of promoting female health. Sure its rejection may result in lives of abuse, misery, and utter degradation for countless children, and more than a few young girls may needlessly die. Yet as every Conservative should know, what’s a little collateral damage when considered against the more important right of dirty old lechers to do whatever gets their rocks off?

We’re also indebted to the pro-coathanger lobby for muddying the waters. Prior to the vote Reps. John Boehner and Eric Cantor circulated a memo advising that the bill would fund abortions and "overturn pro-life laws" – even though it actually contains no mention of abortion of family planning. It's dishonesty like this that should make every Believer proud to stand with those leading the struggle to keep children suffering.

Naturally the Godless Liberals, whose twisted hermeneutic would deny that Mark 10:13-16 explicitly teaches children should suffer, are getting worked up about the Republicans’ heroic stand. It has even come to my attention that there’s a petition at http://www.change.org/petitions/view/tell_the_house_stop_stalling_and_protect_girls_from_child_marriage which thousands of apostate sinners have already signed. Since I’m sure none of you, My Beloved Sinners, would ever consider opposing the right for parents to sell their daughters to rich old men, I’m absolutely confident none of will follow the shameful example set by my Consuella, whom I regret to say has also been misled into adding her name to the list.

That’s right, so deceptively credible are those who would deny rheumy-eyed pervs the opportunity to enjoy a little invigorating conjugal bliss with a sweet-bodied 12 year old , that their arguments have even persuaded members of my own household! Look for yourselves, My Sinners, but be careful to not let what you see convince you there’s anything wrong with girls and women suffering. After all: when has Christmas ever had anything to do with standing up for those not rich and powerful?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.