Friday, December 10, 2010

Stop Supporting Real Missionaries!

I am greatly indebted to Fr. Orsen Carte from Bible-believing Anglicans - a site personally recommended to me by somebody called David Ould (Christianity’s First Omniscient Deacon™) - for drawing my attention to young Michael Jensen’s desperate plea for a few thousand of everyone’s hard-earned.

It seems Conservative Evangelicalism’s Crown Prince has been invited to share his empowering message of misogyny and bigotry with the people of the Balkans, a place Beloved Sinners will immediately recognize as being in desperate need of more religious division and hatred. Rather than dip into his own extremely generous and secure stipend (a rarity, I'm told, these days in Mordor) he’s chosen to give missionaries an extra special Christmas present by diverting funds away from those whose ministry and families are dependent upon donors' generosity.

In fact I’m so impressed with young Michael’s thoughtless determination to continue in his father and uncle’s tradition of faithfully applying Matthew 23:15 that I’ll be emailing each member of the Macedonian Cabinet to congratulate them on issuing the lad with a work visa, since a Biblical Christian like Michael Jensen wouldn’t even consider misleading immigration officials by undertaking the pretense of being a tourist. Naturally I’ll be paying particular attention to Muslim politicians, as it’s their constituents who stand to benefit most from some rousing Calvinist Bible-study and a return to sectarian violence, although I’ve heard the Orthodox churches are always happy to welcome someone moving onto what they traditionally see as “their” turf.

Perhaps we should also arrange for there to be some sort of present waiting for young Michael when he arrives. Since I’m sure the cavity searches at Skopje Airport are a little more vigorous than those my Sinners tell me are not infrequently enjoyed by certain Moore College faculty members and students in the changing rooms of a nearby swimming pool, he’ll be bound to be cheered by finding a little something waiting to show how much the rest of the world appreciates Sydney Anglicanism spreading its tentacles.

I’m sure if we write to the Macedonian Minister for Defence Zoran Konjanovski he’ll be happy to let us provide young Michael with something useful for his trip, like a Kalashnikov and a small jar of plastic explosives. Just watch this video to see how friendly and helpful he looks: Konjanovski (he likes to be known by his surname only, and it’s probably safer to not risk upsetting him) is the warm fellow in dark glasses who lets Natasha from the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show do most of his talking. Surely he’ll be simply thrilled to learn he’s been predestined to eternal damnation for permitting a woman to teach?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Anonymous said...

Julian Assange was threatened for leaking truths but Bible believing fundamentalists would only ever use lawyers to promote God's infallible word.

Richard S Harding

Anonymous said...

Father, I don't know about you but I'm over listening to orthodox Bible bashers declaring that they, and only they know God, and use this ideology to ruin peoples lives. Their inability to 'live and let live' is enough to get the blood boiling!

Anonymous said...

Your refer to Macedonia as "Macedonia"?
The Greekorthodox will be hoppin' mad; they, and they alone, have a license for that name.
They even claimed that the Macedonians were going to invade Salonika and made them change their flag design.
The Greekorthodox wouldn't "recognize" (whatever that means)the Macedonianorthodox church-which means there are religious fantasists even more mental out there than the anglicans and fundiegelicals.
But doubtless jesus has a reason for allowing all of this to happen.
That and not curing kids with bone cancer.

Anonymous said...

There is one ray of light in the proposed missionary journey to the Balkans. Mr Jensen might share the same fate as Radovan Karadzic who is on trial for crimes against humanity.
The resemblance between the two is uncanny.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

"Your refer to Macedonia as "Macedonia"?"

Well that's what they call it Brad, so what name do you think I should use? Cleveland? Rhode Island?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Father Carte: A stunning resemblance indeed! No wonder I've been unable to find a photograph of them together!

Mona Lott said...

Sure wish Brad would get a sex life. A two-person one, that is to say.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Yes indeed Mona, well said! Let us add the proviso, however, that it be within a context which ensures him absolutely no chance of reproducing.

Anonymous said...

Everytime someone refers to Macedonia as "Macedonia" in the local papers, they get hate mail from the local diner owners who claim they're insulting Alexander the Great; even clergy (hard to believe, I know)are among these nationalists.
And Jesus loves them. And their beards. And the fact that they don't ordain women. Or allow clergy to marry after ordination.