Like any Conservative Biblical Leader, from time to time I also need to sit down and relax in the peaceful goodness of all the Lord’s gifts. Which is why there are few things I enjoy more after a hard day’s Ministry studying sin in all its manifold and lurid permutations than watching Youtube clips of people bashing the bejesus out of each other.
Indeed, there’s something about the earnest features of a sports enthusiast intent upon breaking noses, or the intelligent and compassionate gaze of a riot cop burying his baton in a young protestor’s dreadlocks, that always reminds what of what the Anglican Communion will be when we’ve finally got rid of all the Liberals, Disrespectful Women, Homosexualists, and People Who Think the Gospels Matter. (A list I often abbreviate for the sake of those home-schooled – or educated by Jensenists - to “People Who Think”.)
So it was, a few weeks ago, one evening while Bishop Quinine and I were enjoying a refreshing tankard of mescal and some mushrooms he’d picked in the woods, that we were perusing images of the recent Vancouver riots that it suddenly became clear there was something much deeper going on than just a few hockey aficionados giving new meaning to the term “losing gracefully”. Something Apostate Liberal Christians and their media lackeys didn’t want Bible-believers to know; something darker than anything any of us (except me, of course) had ever seen before. But what?
After another tankard and a few more mushrooms Bishop Quinine grew convinced it had something to do with a secret message in the hose scene from Battlefield Earth, but I knew the answer lay deeper. Casting my mind back to my vast knowledge of biblical proof-texts, the truth became suddenly clear as I recalled Deuteronomy 17:8-10:
“If there arise a matter too hard for thee in judgment, between blood and blood, between plea and plea, and between stroke and stroke, being matters of controversy within thy gates: then shalt thou arise, and get thee up into the place which the LORD thy God shall choose;Do you see, My Beloved Sinners? The real reason Vancouver’s young people were furious had nothing to with the Bruins trumping the Canucks 4-0: they were actually angry over what had been occurring at the same time as the game, or, as the Bible puts it, “between blood and blood, between plea and plea, and between stroke and stroke”. Which was something so terrible most of my Conservative Imitators were unable to report it - a jurisprudential outrage being wrought upon the little David Short and the few other True Christians north of the 49th parallel! The fine men and women overturning cars and smashing store windows weren’t just burning off excess hormones and obtaining merchandise at the most attractive discount of all, they were alerting the world to a gross injustice.
And thou shalt come unto the priests the Levites, and unto the judge that shall be in those days, and enquire; and they shall shew thee the sentence of judgment:
And thou shalt do according to the sentence, which they of that place which the LORD shall choose shall shew thee; and thou shalt observe to do according to all that they inform thee.”
As the verse quoted above teaches, when an issue comes before any court which involves matters beyond the judge’s understanding, the Bible calls for matter to be referred to the Levite Priests, which was Old Testament terminology for Wise and Mature Biblical-Christian Leaders who Know Everything – men like Me, in other words. This is something of which the young people of Vancouver are all well aware, because I know for a fact that little Don Harvey has personally shared the Gospel with every single one of them. In spite of looking like a late middle-aged lesbian. After all, if he hadn’t do you really think he’d be flying around and telling the rest of the world how they’re doing everything wrong?
Having had their eyes opened to the Truth, these young people were quite rightly refusing to accept the decision of a court entirely lacking in authority when it comes to the question of stealing church property. That the real reason for their anger hasn’t been made public is hardly surprising given the octopus-like tentacles of the International Apostate Liberal Cabal, which have infiltrated and now control every aspect of the media. Including the home-shopping channel – you can’t honestly believe it’s just coincidence that they never ask me to demonstrate those machines guaranteed to give firmer hips and thighs, can you?
Unbelievers may laugh and mock, but now the Conspiracy has been exposed by My Superior Scriptural Scholarship Sinners everywhere can rest assured I’ll be campaigning to have this matter brought before the United Nations. What’s more, given Archbishop Okoh’s profound understanding of that institution (not to mention the respect for the Church he's inspired among U.N. employees) I’m certain he’ll feel honored to help.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.