Since the Pilgrims weren’t Anglicans, and I’m not sure the Bible had even been written in 1621, there can be no denying that Thanksgiving is a fundamentally pagan occasion. Consequently I’ve long considered mounting a campaign calling upon Christians to boycott the day, and probably would have done so if the Jehovah’s Witnesses hadn’t got there first. After all, who wants to let a sect that believes there’s something sinful about eating steak tartare think they’ve beaten me when it comes to taking the sanctimonious high ground?
And in any case, there’s no denying that there’s something really wonderful about gathering over a meal with family and friends in order to give thanks for my wisdom, ministry, and incomparable life of service to the Church. What’s more, thanks to the miracle of the internet I know that all of you, My Dearly Beloved Sinners, are also gathering wherever you may be around the world to give thanks for all that you have learned here during the past year, and I’d like each and every one of you to know that I’m also thinking of you – or at least will be until I’ve eaten and drunk too much and indigestion sets in.
So as well as weeping tears of gratitude for the many ways in which the Lord and I have blessed you, please also spare a moment to give thanks for those of lesser importance in your lives, such as your partners, children, parents, friends, dogs, cats, gerbils (yes Viagravillains – I’m thinking of you too), neighbours, village idiot, and people who use leaf-blowers when you're trying to sleep – not to mention that uncle twice removed who really doesn’t need to adjust himself that often. And everyone else in your lives, because they’re all a part of what makes your world go around. Besides, wouldn’t it get lonely and boring without them?