Thursday, November 5, 2009

My Old Testament Guest List

Bible Gateway recently invited people to name the 20 Old Testament figures they'd most like to invite around for a dinner party. Since the site appears to be run by notorious liberals it's hardly surprising my list was ignored, so out of the pastoral concern I'm sharing it with everyone here:
1) Abraham: I love a barbecue, and he can always be relied upon to bring at least some sort of meat.

2) Balaam’s Ass: a talking donkey is even more impressive than hiring a jumping castle.

3) Elijah: when he’s around there’s never any problem getting the barbecue alight.

4) Goliath: just in case the young folk start texting each other that there’s a party on at Father Christian’s it’s always prudent to have a bouncer at the door. Besides, it’s not as if he’ll fall a second time for the stone-in-a-slingshot routine.

5) Lot’s Wife: nothing keeps a Doctrinal Warrior’s blood pressure thumpingly high like a little salt on his steak. If only she had a relative who was turned into ketchup…

6) Elisha: how can you not like a man who really knew how to handle teenagers?

7) Bathsheba: I’ve always had a thing about women bathing in public.

8 - 9) David & Jonathan: goodness knows the boys didn’t get invited out as a couple very often, and it’s the least I can do to show them both a little respect.

10) Samson: we’ve got some heavy furniture that needs moving and his help would come in handy.

11) Noah: he and Bishop Quinine have a lot in common.

12 - 15) Rahab, Gomer, Oholah, and her sister Oholibah: it’s my party, and they’re in the Bible. Ok? Besides, my interest in meeting them all is purely academic.

16-18) Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: just in case the fire gets out of hand.

19) Joshua: perhaps he could be persuaded to march around the Baptist church up the road until it crumbles like the walls of Jericho.

20) Jacob: I’ve never been too sure about what he actually put in his mess of potage, but it’s always sounded like it’d make a great end to a big night, and it's more Scriptural than pizza, kebabs or curry.

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

4 comments :

Revd Ivan Ackeroff said...

"But draw near hither, ye sons of the sorceress, the seed of the adulterer and the whore." (Isaiah) Such people should be burned at the Steak. The prophet too should be invited

Fred Schwartz said...

No one, it seems invited the Devil -- or did they?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

++Orombi isn't in the Old Testament so we couldn't.

Pierre R. Wheaton said...

Fr.Christian, with your impeccable sense of fashion, I'm surprised you didn't invite Joseph. His coat of many colors was the height of satorial splendor. Guaranteed there won't be anyone at that shindig wearing anything like it.