This division used to be known as “The Award for Women’s Ministry”, but Dearly Beloved Sinners will know of my fervent commitment to political correctness, and it seemed appropriate to move with the times and rename it to something more inclusive. Besides, the new title now gives little David Virtue a chance of winning.
I’d even hoped my son Sad Brad Evans could put in a good showing under the revised category, but unfortunately his ongoing affliction with Pratt’s Disease prevented him from achieving anything more significant than a little pathetic trolling when Matron wasn’t watching her computer. Consequently the winner was never in doubt, and the title remains firmly in the hands of the 50-something percent of humanity whom St. Paul allegedly refused to let teach, although they were permitted to minister and occupy significant positions of leadership within the early church: My Beloved Sinners – the winner of the 2009 Gaffe-Con Award for Genitally-Challenged Ministry is the Reverend Canon Doctor Alison Barfoot.
“International Relations Assistant” to the man who epitomizes Uganda’s peaceful past, Archbishop Henry Orombi, Alison spent 2009 doing everything possible to make those whom Our Lord Jesus Christ foolishly forgot to explicitly condemn unwelcome in His Church – even going so far as to express her unabashed love for a Church leadership with no qualms about wanting to kill those daring to live as God made them to be. What’s more she managed to accomplish all this and more despite looking like she wears sensible shoes and drives a Subaru.
Nor should anyone contemplate asking questions about her own marital status: Alison may be footloose and fancy-free, but that doesn’t take away her right to cast the first stone. Clearly she just hasn’t found the right man yet, but as the charming picture below shows, she’s certainly keeping in practice for when “Mr. Right” finally does come along.
No: most Gafconeers may on account of her gender not recognize this fine lady’s Priesthood, but here’s no denying she’s been able to spread schism, lies and hatred as effectively as many a man. It’s in no small part due to her connections that ++Orombi was able to rack up as many frequent-flyer points as he did in 2009, and should Uganda’s bold proposed stand against human rights become law, and blood once again flow in Kampala’s delightfully impoverished streets (or at least inside its prisons), it’s highly probable Alison Barfoot will win this award again next year for her noble role in helping to ensure the world’s Anglicans stood by and did nothing to stop the slaughter.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.