In response to an urgent message from the Spirit I find myself forced to interrupt the much awaited announcement of Mr. Gaffe-Con 2009 to deliver a special Word of Teaching to Dearly Beloved Sinners everywhere.
You see that I’ve often wondered what evil Pat Robertson committed to have ended up being condemned to endure such a shame as that of being a Southern Baptist. Not that there’s anything wrong per se with Southern Baptists, of course, not even ones like Pat who believe God enjoys hearing them shouting out “rubba-gubba-dubba-ma-honda” in between verses of "Shine Jesus, Shine". After all, they may be damned in perpetuity on account of having rejected Anglicanism and the Blessed Sacraments, but that doesn’t mean that some of my best friends mightn’t be Southern Baptists. Although it just so happens they aren’t, but only because I have standards; not because there’s anything wrong with Southern Baptists that repentance and literacy can’t cure.
And I can’t deny that on account of his false prophecy the Bible makes it clear that he should be put to death, but there’s no denying he’s entitled to a bit of leeway for having supported a grubby Liberian dictator who just happened to be sheltering an Al Qaeda operative. Or do we really want to stone someone who figured out a way to sell diet milkshakes under the tax-free umbrella of his religious media empire? After all, the man may be evil personified, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a lot to teach Biblical Christians in the Anglican Communion.
No, I’ve realized the cause of “Pastor” Robertson’s problem: his real name isn’t “Pat” at all, it’s “Marion”! That’s right – the “man’s name is transgendered and he’s in denial! What’s more the name “Pat” came about as a result of incestuous man-on-man contact. Besides, who’s to say that “Pat” isn’t really just a euphemism for some other form of pleasurable-but-guilt-ridden contact which may actually have occurred? Perhaps it’s in fact a code word for “Tug”, “Pull”, or “Rub”. Could his recent proclamation concerning Haiti in fact be a way of letting us know his real name is "Jerk"? Because if ever there was a man who acts like he needs one...
Finally, the Lord has directed me to a passage of Scripture concerning all this, although I’m not too sure what to make of it, since it doesn’t seem to apportion any blame whatsoever to liberals, apostates, or homosexualists. Or even to foreigners and colored folk. Read it for yourself, and be sure to share it with Jerk Robertson & his friend Limbaugh next time you see them.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.