If there’s one incident that typifies little Matt Kennedy’s admirably Conservative approach to accuracy it’s his failure to correct local media reports that the reason he just about wiped out the congregation his wife worked so hard to build was because the “Diocese sued the church for not maintaining a modern stance on homosexuality”. As a result the reporter - whose grasp of grammar appears as sophisticated as their commitment to journalistic integrity - breathlessly explained “The church lost it's (sic) lease and had to shut down.” That’s right; and WWI really kicked off when Belgium invaded Germany.
Consequently when little Matt joyfully announced to his fellow Viagrans that “The odds that I will be forced by the government to help kill unborn babies or euthanize old people are significantly reduced...” because the Bible-believing Christians of Massachusetts elected a god-fearing Repubelican nude model he was only telling half the story.
After all, every clergyman worth his collar knows there’s no chance of a stole fee in the case of a medically-terminated pregnancy. Furtive do-it-yourself attempts at solving the problem with a coat hanger, on the other hand, can be guaranteed to induce enough fatal cases of septicemia in young women to ensure any Minister can conduct sufficient funerals to meet the expenses of live-blogging the latest crucial convention. Besides, when your preaching is as boring as Matt’s an occasional anecdote concerning some sinful-and-recently-deceased teenager never fails to help keep his kind of audience from counting bricks in the wall behind the pulpit.
No, My Dearly Beloved Sinners, you should all pay attention to Matt’s insight on this subject. After all, he's a well traveled young man, and he’s witnessed first hand the mass executions of elderly people in Britain or Western Europe. His unrequited love for the Diocese of Sydney will have taught him of the way Australia’s socialized medical system ensures nobody over the age of 35 not related to the Jensens is summarily euthanized at the first sign of a sniffle. And it’s a safe bet he’s spent enough time sneaking around “special” Japanese web sites when Hostillium isn’t watching to know their universal health care’s idea of gerontology is to give the patient a sharp knife and a pamphlet detailing the cultural significance of hara-kiri.
Naturally Matt was also too humble to mention that untreated and desperate sick people can be among the most gullible; something any minister with a vision for evangelism knows how to exploit. Sure they’re unlikely to become long-term parishioners, but the big picture isn’t where one needs to focus in the race to become an ACNA “bishop”. Combine a crowd of desperate-to-be-healed indigents with a few prosperous local businessmen attracted by your linking reduced taxation to historical orthodoxy (the real reason Cramner was martyred had to do with his struggle against public money being wasted on keeping illegal immigrants’ children healthy – if God had meant them to have teeth He wouldn’t have invented candy and fast-food advertising) and a world of faux-purple is your oyster. And if eating that oyster results in a little dose of Vibrio vulnificus well hey - it’s not as if pseudo-bishops can’t afford immediate professional treatment.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.