The Bible is unequivocal when it comes to the obligation for Biblical Christians to dutifully pay their tax: “Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's; and unto God the things that are God's.” This does, however, give rise to another question: “How do we tell what is Ceasar’s and what is God’s?”. After all, Malachi 3:8 makes it clear that robbing God is as serious a crime as failing to tithe, and on the Glorious Day of Judgment none of us wants to found guilty of casting our pearls (or any other indirectly traceable income) before what the Bible calls “swine” – which was a common first-century term for I.R.S. investigators.
Fortunately the Word also answers this question for us with an account of how Jesus’ resolved the matter: in Matthew 17:24-27 we read of how, when Jesus received one of those pesky “Please Explain” reminders one can never afford to ignore, He instructed Peter to go fishing, and take what he found in the mouth of the first fish caught to the relevant authorities as payment of the outstanding bill.
Which is, My Dear Sinners, precisely what I do. If in His wisdom the Lord wants me to pay nothing, or perhaps a rusty hook left behind by less competent anglers than myself, then so be it: as the World’s Greatest Bible Teacher I’m not prepared to compromise my Biblical Obedience for anyone.
Naturally the Apostate Liberals controlling the taxation department initially objected to my Scriptural Stance. For a brief period I was experiencing no small degree of harassment from a Satanic Tool of the One-World Government who described himself as my “Case Officer”, but after one afternoon landing a particularly splendid shark, and faithfully forwarding him several partially-digested limbs from a local water-skier who’d gone missing several days previously, his calls ceased immediately.
Curiously enough Bishop Quinine’s experience was remarkably similar: in his case he’s particularly fond of fishing by the outfall of a particularly disreputable smallgoods manufacture, and the horse’s head he caught (which was delivered to the investigator’s house in person, as a mark of respect) appears to have been credited as payment in full, in perpetuity. Which just goes to show; there’s no problem so great that it can’t be solved by a solid grounding in the Scriptures and a little exegesis.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.