Sunday, February 7, 2010

"Egypt was glad when they left" (Psalm 105:38)

Church attendances were down throughout our glorious Anglican Communion today, and there’s only one reason: people around the world are disgusted to learn things have become so bad that Archbishop Anis, Primate of Egypt, the Middle East and North Africa (along with somewhere else called “The Horn of Africa”, whom I always thought was a remarkably gifted black actor in a video belonging to one of Brother Richthofen’s friends from Seminary) has resigned from the Joint Standing Committee of the Primates Meeting and the Anglican Consultative Council - not because the dreadful writer’s cramp ++Anis would suffer when including the committee’s snappy title in his extensive list of expense claims, but on account of all the cootie-infested apostates with whom his membership obliged him to associate.

With the characteristic understatement for which Viagraville commentators are famous, one “Br_er Rabbit” summed up this tragedy perfectly:
“The Anglican Communion in its present form will not recover from this.”
After all: ask anyone what first that comes to mind when they hear someone say “Egypt” and I’ll guarantee they say “Biblical Christianity”. Thanks to the faithful Parish Wardens who so long ago were responsible for the quaint Rectories we now call “Pyramids”, the Ancient Egyptian Christian Epicenter continues to be warmly remembered long after it’s faithful exponents were lovingly condemned to whatever eternity holds for foreigners. That’s why there is to this day a picture of their handiwork on US currency – to remind sinners everywhere that the primary purpose of money is to buy property for clergy (or in ACNA’s case, to buy the assistance of lawyers in an attempt to steal it).

Indeed; I’ve been reliably informed that in places like Washington disillusionment with the Unrestrained Apostasy has become so great that some churches didn’t even bother opening. Meanwhile offertories at the Binghamton faux-Kenyan Club have clearly fallen so low that Hostillium is now forced to hustle herself for coffee: take me out to coffee and I will let you see the underbelly of an average week..

While there’s breath in this old Doctrinal Warrior’s body Beloved Sinners can rest assured the Church will somehow survive ++Egypt’s tragic desertion. Even more importantly, as long as I’ve got a Starbuck’s Preferred Customer Card Hostillium need never worry about finding an admirer for her underbelly – your Strawberry Chocolate Mocha Frappo-Blando Espress® will be waiting at our usual secluded table in the corner, my enchantress.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

6 comments :

Revd Ivan Ackeroff said...

I have just watched Bishop Anus on British TV talking about something called "Moses Tablets". At first, I thought he was referring to a remedy for constipation. In fact, it is a Biblical list of regulations including an injunction on "Stealing", written by an old patriarch who was attempting to lead his parishioners out of Mr Anus's Diocese. Do you think, Father, Mr & Mrs Kennedy should put these tablets in their coffee to help their under-bellies?

Bruce said...

That name's spelled A-N-U-S, right?

Anonymous said...

Oh my, the ++Head Whiner has sped from the gown and grumble chamber...of course he made that not-so-long-ago-promise to Duncan Pitts and those other nice men with zip-in coat linings stuffed with $$$ and ¨recognized¨ him immediately (apparently not for what Duncan expected)...++Pitts quickly got a Jewel encrusted mitre of a most stylish stunningly splendorous magnifitude paid for by stuttering/lurching Bankerettes beneficiaries in SoCal, U.S.A....certainly His Holeiness Anus in Alexadria, Egypt require something more fitting than the mere ¨good ol´ boy¨ with flowering eyebrows from Bigotsville, U.S.A. who need a place to stand? I have a strong feeling that the approprite sable trimmed robes and hightopped, jewel infested crown majesty is currently being shipped DHL Worldwide to Egyptolandia...pre-paid, natch...nothings too good for the future dim-witted Anglican Pope...now there is a spineless zealot crybaby that one can do business with.

Zeldon Memorexington Leach, III

Anonymous said...

Not being a doctrinal warrier, I had to retreat to my bible for context. Here is what I found in "The Message".

"He led Israel out, their arms filled with loot,
and not one among his tribes even stumbled.

Egypt was glad to have them go—
they were scared to death of them."

Yikes.

Anonymous said...

Fr. Christian. Again, it seems, you have been scooped by your theological betters and their practical solutions to problems with a practical need. I of course reference the segregation of the sexes for Bible Study. Such segregation guarantees that no man will be suffered to endure the theological reflections of a woman much less than be led by one. Fr. Matt Kennedy is, of course, employing this most appropriate procedure in Binghamton. He is also offering a course of sermons on peace in the church, announced settlement of the lawsuit issue. You could clearly benefit from his mentoring on these concerns. I admit, however, I was disturbed to visit the church's website and the three issues that matter 1. abortion 2. homosexuality and 3 the role of female clergy were not even alluded to. Clearly something is amiss in Binghamton in this serious failure. In fact, from the website, one might suspect that Good Shepherd Anglican is a TEC church. TBL

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

"you have been scooped by your theological betters"

Clearly you're delusional, Anonymous. I have no theological betters. Yet because I am a graciously pastoral man I shall ask the Lord to show mercy to you in your stupidity, and to refrain from afflicting you in His wrath with something pustulent from Leviticus.

You ought to know, however, that the Spirit would have you remember 2 Chronicles 21:15. Look it up. And then make sure your insurance covers colonoscopies.