Saturday, February 27, 2010

“In the beginning was the Word…

... and the Word was... ” despite you all being dreadful Beloved Sinners, I’ve no doubt that even you have an idea of what comes next. That’s right – the Gospel continues by explaining that the Word was 66 books dictated by God on various occasions between 4004 B.C. and 33-and-a-bit A.D. Although naturally as Anglicans we prefer to not get too worked up about a literal seven day creation in 4004 B.C., but that’s just because unlike Baptists we’re more likely to send our offspring to college. Where these days it’s a little hard to pass medicine if you honestly believe men and women have differing numbers of ribs. And geologists who think dinosaurs and people once co-existed tend not to win cadetships with petroleum companies. Or ever find oil.

All of which is why we prefer to fixate upon homosexualists, and women who refuse to accept that the fact of all twelve disciples having been men means they can’t run Churches (or, worse still, who insist on asking why the same logic doesn’t also mean the only people who can become Priests are middle-eastern Jews). But I digress; that the Word to which St. John referred comprises the Bible we know and worship is a fact so obvious it took a mere 3½ centuries (more or less) for the Church to agree upon exactly which books and epistles died upon the cross. Not to mention the way St. Paul makes it perfectly obvious His letters are synonymous with the one He met on the road to Damascus.

Yet as the world’s foremost Doctrinal Warrior, I’ve long noticed my fellow-but-less-mature Conservatives have an additional word; one which they invariably use around all their favourite blogs for a few months, before replacing it with another turn of phrase. Currently it’s “bile”; although regrettably I’ve only managed to obtain one usage in my recent comments, and that from the same charming product of Mordor’s Moore College who used it on another site while sharing God’s love with a particularly insolent Beloved Sinner – IP addresses don’t lie, my little anonymous imitator now residing in Britain (Would you like me to start publishing some more personal details about you? Because thanks to your easily traced IP address I can, and if you don’t get it into what can only technically be described as your head that the only person allowed to abuse my Beloved Sinners is me, I will. Ok?).

A few months back it was a tasteful metaphor involving panties being in something called a “wad”, which owed much of it’s popularity to frequent employment by little Greg Griffith (that noted arbiter of all which is decent) at Viagraville. Before that it was “Revisionists”. Which followed “Sodomites”. Next week it’ll be something different again: just don’t place any bets on it being a Word which in any way refers to Jesus.

My fellow Conservatives might not be the sharpest tools in the hardware aisles of God’s Walmart, but they’re not stupid enough to get involved with Him. Besides, Jesus associates with such disreputable people..

I'm Father Christian and I teach the bible.

12 comments :

Revd Ivan Ackeroff said...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/belief/2010/feb/27/st-paul-religion

A heretic in today's "Guardian" has the audacity to say that St Paul is NOT a "finger-wagging bigot" but a liberal'revisionist'. If this is the case, from whence are we conservatives to be obtain our bible verses to pour bile onto people? We can hardly quote Jesus whose soppy message is all about loving people.

susan s. said...

Oh, Father Christian, I am glad to see your latest entry. Being a Miserable Sinner is much less miserable after reading your teachings. Besides, I am afraid to go to the other sites you mention, lest I be covered in boils after reading them.

Suzer said...

I guess in addition to Hostilium's favorite phrase, "a dark rotten mess for a heart and guts," we now must add "bile" into the description of the human condition? Repeat to self: "you have a dark rotten mess for a heart and guts AND are full of bile."

There, now I feel better. Now I must go impress the same upon my four -- wait, five -- kiddos, lest they be gaining some self-esteem when I'm not looking.

Grandmère Mimi said...

The poor couple at Viagraville with all the children moved to a house with two doorbells that sound alike. I can testify to how immeasurably difficult it is to live into a house with two doorbells that sound alike, since I've had to put up with the agony for 26 years. It's woe upon woe, trouble upon trouble. Imagine hearing the doorbell ring and going to the door to find no one there and having to head for the other door at a run. It's close to unbearable.

My WV is "funhod". All I can say is that two doorbells that sound alike are no fun.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Pardon me. I don't "live into" a house. I'd never dare.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Indeed, life is a curse for dear little Hostilium. Yet one has got to admire her faithfulness in remaining true to Conservative teachings regarding the ringing of more than one type of bell.

Brad Evans said...

Ah, anglo-catholics: gin, lace and bitchiness for over 150 years!

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Sad Brad my little son - so nice to see you here again! You've been silent for so long I feared you may have finally succumbed to your condition. Or did Matron change the lock to her office and it's just taken a few months for you to find a way to sneak back onto her computer?

Either way you (finally) have a point - although I've always said Anglo-Catholics are vastly preferable to ignorant and snarky Atheists with Pratt's Disease. As, my boy, I know you'll agree.

keith nethery said...

My Dear Father

May I humbly suggest that you have missed a term. It is one tossed from pillar to post in the land of the most gold medals - that being apostate.

May the Lord Bless this days game of pond shinny, as Canadians find that most biblical of numbers, 14

Lapinbizarre said...

Fr Ackeroff apparently down again. Could there be elements in the Sydney archdiocese that have a problem with free speech?

Brad Evans said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Little Brad my son: your Pratt's disease is making it impossible for everyone to understand you.

If you were trying to congratulate Keith and his fellow Canadians then I'm only too happy to add my best wishes to yours, but no - their gold medalists won't all stand in a line and throw snowballs at you.