Monday, March 1, 2010

+Jensen's Sheep Sell Clothes to Pay His Gambling Debts.

After seeing this picture in the NY Daily News of Archbishop Peter Jensen's little flock having sold their garments in a pathetic attempt to raise enough money to cover their master's paltry $160 million gambling bill, Brother Richthofen and his friends from Seminary have been in a quandary. The boys simply can't understand why, given it's supposed to be summer down there, the evangelical menfolk all appear so cold.

Bishop Quinine believes the shrinkage is a side effect of their theological persuasions ("an excess of acid in their nocturnal emissions" is how he describes it), while Consuella insists Jensenism only ever appeals to those men already suffering from a certain a priori inadequacy.

Either way, I'm sure Beloved Sinners will have no problems identifying Dobby Ould, nor any other of the prominent figures from the Diocese of Mordor whom we all know and love. They're the ones near the front with their buttocks tightly clenched and trembling with nerves. Which is not to say they're in any way regretful of their little Peter's creative investment strategy; nor that they feel any need for him to apologize for losing in a few years what took their forebears more than 2 centuries to acquire.

No; they're just worried that, freed from her modest garment and appropriately demure headdress, one of the submissive weaker members of the trinity (a.k.a. in other parts of the Communion as "women") might in a moment of wild abandon cast all decency to the wind, and dare to read the Scriptures aloud.

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Leonardo Ricardo said...

I´m getting too old for the stuff (more likely it´s because I can only see well out one eye and I´m having surgery soon...squint).

susan s. said...

Even though I have used the 'zoom in' feature on my browser, I can see no genderical evidence. And modesty and Lent prevent me from zooming any farther in. So you and the seminarians must be right, again.

Anonymous said...

Is that some sort of Calvinist prostate festival or something?

Anonymous said...

I assume the three architectural phalluses in the background represent Pete , Phil and Mike Jensen. It is highly symbolic their subservient followers should shiver naked in their dark shadow.

Lapinbizarre said...

Could the shrinkage be a consequence of one or more of the recommended Jensenite exercises for the control of early-morning tumescence, recently alluded to by one stylistically-challenged Calvinist at Fr Ackeroff's site? - a site again, it seems, missing in action on the cutting edge of the culture wars.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

I afraid, Susan, that irrespective of how closely one zooms in, the male Jensenites' members never appear any larger - such, I have concluded, are the dangers of the exercises to which Lapin alludes.

Meanwhile, Anon 9:59, I was going to mention that as a subsidiary reason for the tightness of Dobby's clench, but hesitated lest it incite Prostate Pete to join him. My Beloved Sinners in that dark place have more than enough to endure without having to suffer the Oulds in stereo.

Speaking of which, Lapin, I fear this shows the 3:00am cowboy to which you refer will stop at nothing to avoid revealing his true identity. Hopefully the sight of all this evangelical flesh will cause him - in a fit of sweat-encrusted early-morning madness - to leave a comment here.

Whereupon I have Brother Richthofen and the lads poised waiting to obtain his IP adress, through which I've no doubt they shall be able to hack into his hard-drive (no pun intended), therein obtaining one of the greatest collections of research material ever.

Anonymous said...

Dobby has reported that "Mad Priest" has been sacked for blessing a same-sex couple. I understand them to be the two lesbians on the 15th row, fourth from the left.

Anonymous said...

Fr. Ivan is missing again.

I fear that he is being probed right this very minute!

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Only in Dobby & Pete's dreams, my child, only in their dreams.