Sunday, March 7, 2010

+Liverpool's Lesson.

After a life-time of service in the evangelical wing of the Church of England, I have it on good authority that the Bishop of Liverpool, the Right Reverend James Jones is devastated to learn he is actually not an evangelical at all!!!.

The fatwa, which was pronounced by none other than little Dobby Ould at Viagraville (where else?) is of course binding, and means that not only has the Bishop been relegated to the status of “sub-christian” (which isn't a scriptural term as such, but occurs in the writings of Dean Jensen, so it might as well be), but owning any of his published works - or worse still, having read them - is to now be considered commensurate with “the unforgivable sin” to which Jesus refers in Mark 3:28-29.

Contacts close to Bishop Jones have informed me that given Dobby’s vastly superior theological qualifications (he has an undergraduate degree from the only Anglican seminary in the world to have adopted “Duelling Banjos” as their college song) His Grace realizes he has no option but to recognize the validity of this rebuke. After all, Dobby recently completed the second year of his first curacy, so naturally there’s nothing he doesn’t know about ministry - or anything else for that matter. And while he hasn't been published in any formal way, he does leave a great many anonymous comments on internet blogs, using a wide cast of creatively invented identities. So he's got to be right.

In addition, Little Deacon David Ould (Jensen family policy is to not ordain their young slaves to the Priesthood, thereby exacerbating the difficulties of any who might contemplate escaping) has also performed the world a great service by presenting the definitive answer to the age-old question of what exactly constitutes an evangelical. Sadly this noble term has today been watered to down to include those far removed from the values so dear to the movement’s proud slave-owning founder, and we all owe Dobby and his masters our thanks for reviving the spirit of arrogant self-righteousness so vital to evangelicalism’s origins. By reminding us of their central tenet - Thou shalt hate homos - the Communion’s most genetically-challenged diocese has shown the rest of the world why we’ve been all so wrong in thinking it possible to preach Christ without concentrating foremost on the topic He so foolishly forgot to mention.

In closing his bold thesis Dobby announces he’ll “see your ‘why can't we all play along nicely’ and raise you a Luther”. To which, My Beloved Sinners, I’ll match with another Luther that was probably omitted from the deacon's hagiographic reformation studies. Then I’ll raise him with a Calvin:
“However many blessings we expect from God, His infinite liberality will always exceed all our wishes and our thoughts.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

17 comments :

Mona Lott said...

So Dobby has moved up the ladder to please his masters by taking aim at unchristian Anglican bishops? Comforting for him to know that since gayness strikes both identical twins in only 52% of cases where one sibling is a tad funny, we all of us (all of us and the powers that be in the Sydney archdiocese family business) know that nothing remotely odd is smoldering away under Dobby's hood.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Yes,: I've also long wondered about Ould family parenting practices, especially since it's been proven that homosexualism results from a lad's mother displaying inappropriate feelings towards him, such as love or maternal concern (I'm well aware this theory hasn't been substantiated by any credible studies, but James Dobson said it, so it must be true, and there's no need for anything resembling academic accountability).

Clearly Frau Ould much preferred one of her offspring to the other, which also goes a long way to explaining Dobby's calvinism, and why he's so fond of citing Malachi 1:2-3/Romans 9:13 - "Jacob I have loved, but Esau I have hated."

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Incidentally, the young man from Brother Richthofen's Seminary who's been monitoring my site records tells me Dobby drops by here at least once every day. Hopefully after reading this the Man from Mordor will use one of his many-gendered identities to provide us with a little more detail.

Anonymous said...

I hope Dobby does his Anglo-Catholic woman persona soon.

That's my favorite.

susan s. said...

Does the good Bishop even know who Dobby is? I highly doubt it...

Deacon Ould said...

Of course the Bishop knows who I am Susan. He is offering his resignation as I write. As a leading evangelical, I am known as someone who moved 10,000 miles away from my twin in case his gay malady is infectious. It is hardly my fault that our Dad loved me more than my brother, making me "post-straight". I am saddened that some people doubt the Doctrine of Ouldian Infallibility. (PS I am NOT an Anglo-Catholic woman).

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Of course he's not. Pretending to be an Anglo-Catholic woman is just a little game he plays when he's feeling particularly frisky.

Which he doesn't seem to have been when he called by here about 2 hours ago. Perhaps yet again missing out on an Oscar has left him feeling too miserable to leave us all a comment.

David |Dah • veed| said...

And it was just last year that Father Mass Progeny declared the former Archbishop of Cape Town, the one with the Tutu, an apostate and a heretic.

Those Viagravillians are really hitting them out of the park!

TBTG that if Dobby has fun tickling his prostate he has at least spared us the details.

Lapinbizarre said...

Seems Greg Griffith's birthday present hasn't borne fruit.

Mona Lott said...

Followed the link to Viagraville. My, but they're in a tizzy! Hasn't been such a carry-on since the sisters found a toilet seat in the upright position.

TheraP said...

This is the problem of claiming to be "more orthodox than thou" - once you start doing that, then then those claiming the mantle begin to fight over it - among themselves!

Just give em more rope!

Mona Lott said...

Re the anatomy of Frau Ould, her boy Dobby refers to German, in a new post at SF, as "my mother tongue".

Seems, from his post, Dobby wants to have it both ways. That is to say, be a Calvinist and a Lutheran.

Word verification "fachic" - so near, yet so far.

Mona Lott said...

My experience of religious loonies, TheraP (nice handle, by the way) is that spooling out more rope to them just sets 'em to rushing around looking for someone else to hang.

Anonymous said...

I do hope that +Liverpool can pick up the shattered pieces of his life and go on.

Edna Shufflebottom said...

Being German-speakers, the Ould Twins both display signs of acute anxiety-separation from the Fatherland. With views akin to those of Hitler Youth, they assume they are members of the Master Race. As a 'straight' Arian, Dobby needs to ingratiate himself with Feuhrer Jensen. His "post-gay" Twin would simply be exterminated.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

The reference to "my mother tongue" is actually part of the quote little Dobby has lifted from the famous creationist Dr. Carl Wieland.

Dobby's mother tongue is Klingon. Or whatever it was that Gollum spoke when he wasn't hanging out with hobbits.

Point of Order said...

Dear Father, I see no need to impugn the Klingons by associating them with the Oulds. After all, as every Beloved Sinner knows, the Klingons have hearts and good sense.