Tuesday, March 2, 2010

ACNA Recognized by Canterbury!

In reporting on the postponement until October of little Don Armstrong’s trial, the otherwise trustworthy Colorado Springs Gazette has inadvertently revealed the greatest story in Christian history since St. Paul rose from the dead and Jesus taught everyone to hate homosexualists – ACNA has been officially accepted into the Anglican Communion!

That’s right, clearly while everyone was distracted with worry about the future of the greatest financial genius sinceBernie Madoff, the Archbishop of Canterbury must have repented of leaving Bobby Duncan and his sect out in the cold. Perhaps he finally realized that if there’s one thing the next Lambeth needs more than anything else, it’s a few dozen faux-bishops with extensive experience in wearing vestments of preposterousness inversely proportionate to the size of their “dioceses”, and with extensive experience in licking the boots of anyone prepared to offer them an impressive-sounding title.

See for yourselves, my Beloved Sinners: the original article is here (although should they change it nobody need worry: I’ve saved a copy of this historic announcement). Or, because I’m not only always Biblically Correct, but also more pastorally sensitive than an Ould’s prostate, I’ll make it easier to see the good news by presenting a highlighted cutting from the article:

The journalist responsible for this scoop, a young man by the name of Mark Barna, should unquestionably receive a Pullitzer Prize for his work – Consuella just interrupted to say she doesn’t think they give one for gullibility, but if they do you’d better believe Mark’s name has already been engraved on the trophy. Or statue, or polished wooden duck, or whatever it is that’s awarded to the person who most faithfully repeats everything written in an alleged criminal’s press release.

Who wouldn’t possibly lie about anything. After all, the man who revealed that ACNA was created at the request of the archbishop of Canterbury (published in another fine example of Mark Barna’s uncompromising investigative prowess) is bound to be just as truthful about this as he is about the trivial economic misunderstanding which looks like putting him jail for the rest of his life. Isn’t he?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

PS. My profoundest thanks to the observant Sinner who drew my attention to this monumental development. Words can't describe how honored I am to have been the first Conservative Commentator to announce this epic milestone in the Glorious Schism's long march to recognition as something more than just another bunch of disgruntled loons obsessed with sex. And even more importantly: it's always fun to beat David Virtue.


Leonardo Ricardo said...

Father Troll, I love it when you start my day with fresh reminders of the need for stark truth in my everyday spiritual life...examples of ¨twisted thinking¨ and ¨denial¨ and ¨pretend¨ are especially important I think (and key to my integrity)...you, are solid as a rock when presenting the glaring cracks of innermost character that often bring down the self-absorbed, the greedy, the exploitive, the grandstanders and blatant liars at Church...there seems to be a entire host of corrupt ministry out there. ACNA ought not be the stage for such evil untruthful ¨doings,¨ but, just perhaps, the closer the evildoing the better for us all, including them, to SEE...it´s so easy to be misled by pontificating criminals in brocaded robes when being responsible and fully self-accountable is the dodgy quest.

So sorry that Armstrong can´t find justice until next Fall...sort of a extra dramatic ¨fall¨ during Fall to help his followers ¨see¨ more clearly? I have the feeling that several of his supporting men are in need of finding a way out...friends in high places may be scrambling for such a delay...naughty, naughty.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Father for showcasing this marvelous development somehow ignored by such prominent luminaries as Mr. Virtue, and oddly by the Anglican Consultative Council. I have tried but can't seem to find a note of CANA's admission in the records of this auspicious body. Clearly atrocious record keeping on their part... Observant Sinner

Grandmère Mimi said...

Oh my! Here you are, Fr Christian, next after the Colorado Springs Gazette, of impeccable reputation for crack journalistic scoops (Pulitzer Prize worthy, indeed!), giving us the Anglican world-shaking news that General Synod, presumably behind closed doors, reversed it's "Thanks, but no thanks" motion regarding a marriage between ACNA and the Anglican Communion.

Bravo! What would we do without you?

Bruce said...

Just driving home from church and the phrase "Long Dong Armstrong" starting running through my head. Spring fever? Wishful thinking? Dunno!

Jim said...

Rev Troll,

I am just curious -- do your impeccable contacts know if the report represents simple incompetence or if one of Mr. Armstrong's supporters has an ownership interest?


Mona Lott said...

FWIW an online anagram machine converts "Robert Duncan" to "Borer and Cunt".

Bruce said...

Anagram for Peter Akinola:

A Prelate Oink

Bruce said...

Matt Kennedy = Man Dyke Tent
John David Schofield = Faddis Doc Evil John
David Virtue = Diva Dive Rut
Donald Armstrong = Dad Arm Long Snort

Josh Indiana said...

I'm Gay but finding myself strangely wanting a date with Mona Lott.

What say you, Father? Should I pray Ms. Mona converts me?

Mona Lott said...

When you feel the need to wiggle your big toe in the steamy waters of heterosexual conversion, Josh, you'll be wanting something a tad more toothsome than Miss Mona.

TheraP said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
smithj1@unisa.ac.za said...

George Barna may have got it all wrong on this one, but his book "Unchristian" was an honest piece of research into the self-righteous smugness that afflicts Christianity and drives so many of the wounded away.