In reporting on the postponement until October of little Don Armstrong’s trial, the otherwise trustworthy Colorado Springs Gazette has inadvertently revealed the greatest story in Christian history since St. Paul rose from the dead and Jesus taught everyone to hate homosexualists – ACNA has been officially accepted into the Anglican Communion!
That’s right, clearly while everyone was distracted with worry about the future of the greatest financial genius sinceBernie Madoff, the Archbishop of Canterbury must have repented of leaving Bobby Duncan and his sect out in the cold. Perhaps he finally realized that if there’s one thing the next Lambeth needs more than anything else, it’s a few dozen faux-bishops with extensive experience in wearing vestments of preposterousness inversely proportionate to the size of their “dioceses”, and with extensive experience in licking the boots of anyone prepared to offer them an impressive-sounding title.
See for yourselves, my Beloved Sinners: the original article is here (although should they change it nobody need worry: I’ve saved a copy of this historic announcement). Or, because I’m not only always Biblically Correct, but also more pastorally sensitive than an Ould’s prostate, I’ll make it easier to see the good news by presenting a highlighted cutting from the article:
The journalist responsible for this scoop, a young man by the name of Mark Barna, should unquestionably receive a Pullitzer Prize for his work – Consuella just interrupted to say she doesn’t think they give one for gullibility, but if they do you’d better believe Mark’s name has already been engraved on the trophy. Or statue, or polished wooden duck, or whatever it is that’s awarded to the person who most faithfully repeats everything written in an alleged criminal’s press release.
Who wouldn’t possibly lie about anything. After all, the man who revealed that “ACNA was created at the request of the archbishop of Canterbury” (published in another fine example of Mark Barna’s uncompromising investigative prowess) is bound to be just as truthful about this as he is about the trivial economic misunderstanding which looks like putting him jail for the rest of his life. Isn’t he?
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
PS. My profoundest thanks to the observant Sinner who drew my attention to this monumental development. Words can't describe how honored I am to have been the first Conservative Commentator to announce this epic milestone in the Glorious Schism's long march to recognition as something more than just another bunch of disgruntled loons obsessed with sex. And even more importantly: it's always fun to beat David Virtue.