Archbishop Wabukala and Me

Just over a week ago I received a highly confidential email from Kenyan Archbishop Wabukala, requesting my assistance with regard to his wife. It appears that while the pair of them were undertaking a little cross-border reconnaissance in Uganda she fell ill: “after doctors carried out a number of medical tests” it was determined she needed to “undergo a blood purification procedure termed as Haemodialysis, at a fee equivalent to USD 4300.”

As a Biblical Christian I naturally agreed to offer His Grace every assistance provided he could show what’s in it for me, whereupon +Wabukala revealed the real purpose of his visit to +Orombi’s land of love: to cut a long story (and a great many emails, since Archbishop Wabukala not only communicates in a near-incomprehensible txtspk, but also has no idea of Anglican protocols and complexities) short it involves a childless uncle tragically killed in a motor vehicle accident and a banking discrepancy involving the transfer of $11 million. Not to mention countless “modalities” involving fees, and a barrister incapable of spelling his profession’s name.

Naturally I haven’t paid any of these charges from my own pocket. Instead I provided the Archbishop with little Matt Kennedy’s personal credit card details: after all, Matt's no qualms about using +Wabukala to claim he's still in Holy Orders, so it’s hardly as if the Bridesmaid of Binghamton has any right to be stingy if his Archbishop wants him to underwrite a big night at “Mama Ombotu’s Kampala House of Love & Cous-Cous”.

Yet a recent post from little Matt at Viagraville suggests he and Layman Billy Atwood have got wind of the millions about to be raining down upon St. Onuphrius’, and are trying to muscle in on the loot. Calling Archbishop Wabukala’s cry for help “a scam”, they outrageously claim “It is the same pattern that was used in Uganda, Malawi, and other places.” (Why don’t they want to mention Nigeria here? Or what “other places” spring into your minds?).

This appears to have made things so difficult the good Archbishop initially wanted to cancel our project. After much pressure he has instead agreed to continue, but is now refusing to accept expense funds by any means other than Western Union or MoneyGram, as out most recent correspondence shows:

Dear Fr. Christian,
If you wish to help me, kindly send me the funds through the means i suggested- western union or money gram. I have personal reasons why am requesting you.

Thank you.
In Him,
+ Wabukala

Of course he can expect the sky to fall and the Ould Twins to stop lying before those transfers are going to come from my pocket, but if His Grace is prepared to send me a nice certificate pronouncing Matt & Billy excommunicated in perpetuity I may see what I can squeeze out of David Virtue’s readers. We shall see…

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible