Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Archbishop Wabukala and Me

Just over a week ago I received a highly confidential email from Kenyan Archbishop Wabukala, requesting my assistance with regard to his wife. It appears that while the pair of them were undertaking a little cross-border reconnaissance in Uganda she fell ill: “after doctors carried out a number of medical tests” it was determined she needed to “undergo a blood purification procedure termed as Haemodialysis, at a fee equivalent to USD 4300.

As a Biblical Christian I naturally agreed to offer His Grace every assistance provided he could show what’s in it for me, whereupon +Wabukala revealed the real purpose of his visit to +Orombi’s land of love: to cut a long story (and a great many emails, since Archbishop Wabukala not only communicates in a near-incomprehensible txtspk, but also has no idea of Anglican protocols and complexities) short it involves a childless uncle tragically killed in a motor vehicle accident and a banking discrepancy involving the transfer of $11 million. Not to mention countless “modalities” involving fees, and a barrister incapable of spelling his profession’s name.

Naturally I haven’t paid any of these charges from my own pocket. Instead I provided the Archbishop with little Matt Kennedy’s personal credit card details: after all, Matt's no qualms about using +Wabukala to claim he's still in Holy Orders, so it’s hardly as if the Bridesmaid of Binghamton has any right to be stingy if his Archbishop wants him to underwrite a big night at “Mama Ombotu’s Kampala House of Love & Cous-Cous”.

Yet a recent post from little Matt at Viagraville suggests he and Layman Billy Atwood have got wind of the millions about to be raining down upon St. Onuphrius’, and are trying to muscle in on the loot. Calling Archbishop Wabukala’s cry for help “a scam”, they outrageously claim “It is the same pattern that was used in Uganda, Malawi, and other places.” (Why don’t they want to mention Nigeria here? Or what “other places” spring into your minds?).

This appears to have made things so difficult the good Archbishop initially wanted to cancel our project. After much pressure he has instead agreed to continue, but is now refusing to accept expense funds by any means other than Western Union or MoneyGram, as out most recent correspondence shows:
Dear Fr. Christian,
If you wish to help me, kindly send me the funds through the means i suggested- western union or money gram. I have personal reasons why am requesting you.

Thank you.
In Him,
+ Wabukala
Of course he can expect the sky to fall and the Ould Twins to stop lying before those transfers are going to come from my pocket, but if His Grace is prepared to send me a nice certificate pronouncing Matt & Billy excommunicated in perpetuity I may see what I can squeeze out of David Virtue’s readers. We shall see…

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible


Anonymous said...

I also received the same email from the good Archbishop and, being a man of biblical compassion, immediately sent $10,000 to assist Mama Karen's medical bills. Mr Kennedy is obviously very gullible. Archbishop Wabukala has assured me that Mr Matt Kennedy's claim to be a priest is just a scam. Speaking through an oxygen mask attached to her Haemodialysis machine, Mama Karen pleaded with her husband to expose the Kennedys as fraudsters.

mehitabel the cat said...

Astonishing Little Matt has not caught on that the scam is masterminded by 815.

Lapinbizarre said...

Anglican Mainstream has published a sickeningly butt-crawling eulogy from "Canon Doctor" Chris Sugden to the "reign" of the retiring (in a manner of speaking) Archbishop Akinola.

"The Archbishop of Lagos, Dr Ephraim Ademowo, noted with pride that Archbishop Akinola had become a household name globally".

Isn't Anglican Mainstream's photograph of the event just the gayest thing you've seen in ages?

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Yes, +Peters going away evento does look heavily festive and I´m glad to see that Chris Sugden, Canon of Jos, was able to breakaway to Abuja after his religious/ministry/difficulties/misunderstandings in Jos.

Lapinbizarre said...

".... religious/ministry/difficulties/misunderstandings ..."? Pray tell.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Fr Christian, one of commenters at Matt's place completed your thought about one of the "other places".

I've just been notified that I won the British lottery, and as soon as I send my bank account info, 1 million British pounds will be deposited in my account. If I can help you in any way, dear Father....

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Grandmère Mimi, you too? These every-so-nice English people (of whom I´m directly descended and notice *it* in so many twisted ways every daze) are sending me buckets of money tambien...I´ll forward a pail to the good Fr. Troll just like you do...and then, maybe a couple of free tickets to even further away and more exotic places for the Canon Smudgeon and a pal too...Outer Mongolia is nice this time of year I´m told.