Rekers' Vision Lives On!

Until now it must be noted that neither myself, nor my less orthodox imitators, nor any other of the servants of the ceaseless internet struggle to ensure salvation and grace are only made available to those who don’t need them, have mentioned the recent minor misunderstanding concerning “Mr. Family Values” George Rekers.

The silence has, of course, been entirely appropriate. Only an apostate liberal would find anything untoward about engaging one’s travel assistants through a site with a “Warning - Over 18’s Only” splash page, and even deigning to comment on the innuendo concerning Dr. Rekers’ recent vacation and intensive one-on-one evangelistic mission would lend the improbable falsehoods currently circulating a dignity they clearly do not deserve.

Nevertheless, it’s come to Bishop Quinine's and my attention that there are indeed a great many gullible rich bigots prosperous and faithful Biblical Christians who believe every word of Massage George’s statement concerning the current “misleading internet reports”, and we feel it would be remiss of my duty as the World’s Foremost Doctrinal Warrior to not reach out to those supporters of Dr. Rekers feeling hurt by the reports circulating about a man they knew and loved (albeit in a different sense as certain young men).

Consequently I want to assure everyone who’s ever given money to support Professor Rekers or any of his shopfront “charities” that if they now redirect their offerings to me I will personally make certain the good work he has begun continues. Between myself, Bishop Quinine, and the other members of the St. Onuphrius’ ministry team, we will ensure every last cent we receive is spent perusing online images and profiles of attractive young people, meeting them in person, and letting them lift our luggage in which ever country the Spirit may see fit to lead us.

That’s right: Satan may have used his Scripture-denying serpents to bring down a mighty servant in the war against people seeking to live as God has made and loves them, but quicker than you can say “Viagra and two martinis please” another Biblical Leader has been raised up to stand (kneel/lie down/reverse cowboy) in his place, and My Beloved Sinners, that Leader is me!

So please, if like us you’ve been devastated by Dr. Rekers’ crucifixion, don’t let grief prevent you from continuing to support his vision. Send your money - all your money - to St. Onuphrius’ now before it’s too late for the young men and women to whom we are desperate to minister.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

PS. As an exclusive deal for all those faithful conservatives who have in good faith accepted Dr. Reker’s explanation I also have an exceptional opportunity to invest in Florida real estate. “Everglades Eden” (formerly known as Itchworm Swamp) is a delightful area which, should health department regulations be someday amended to permit public access, will make a wonderful location in which to either retire, or build the vacation dream home you’ve always longed for – what parent doesn't want their children spending every summer fleeing ‘gators in knee-deep mud?. As a special gift the first 50 purchasers will also receive title to their very own bridge in Brooklyn…