Indeed, I know for a fact that some misguided teachers were in the past few days going so far as to claim a belief in Joseph Smith’s ludicrous false gospel is compatible with the Holy Thirty-nine Articles and historical creeds. Quite naturally, of course, none of that sort of nonsense was ever “taught” here, and it is with great pride that I can say with my hand on my heart that unlike certain Baptists nobody heard me turning a blind eye to the crass heterodoxy of Mormon “theology” just because like any True Conservative I wanted to save America from Obama’s diabolical communist lies. Like that the creation of all people as equal is some kind of “self evident truth”. Or, even more satanically, that life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are unalienable rights endowed to all by their Creator – when any student of the Bible knows such things must be exclusively reserved for those able to afford treatment in the most expensive health-care system in the world.
That so-called Clergy could turn a blind eye to Romney’s utterly unbiblical false gospel is in reality just further proof of something I’ve always said – people today don’t read the Bible correctly”. If they did, for example, the first time Romney had voiced his belief in the core Mormon assertion that the resurrected Jesus physically visited north-eastern America they’d have known to not pay another moment’s attention to his presidential aspirations. Even the most cursory reading of the Gospels puts paid once and for all to any possibility of such a ludicrous thing happening: how can anyone who knows the Bible even begin to imagine Jesus visiting somewhere people voted for Obama?
Similarly, I know for a fact that in the lead-up to what is unquestionably an international disaster some wolves in sheep’s clothing (undoubtedly Episcopalians) were citing Philippians 4:4 in an entirely misguided attempt to urge their congregations to rejoice in anticipation of what they believed would be an unqualified victory for the man whom I had been warning along would prove a heretical failure. This, My Beloved Sinners, is exaclty the sort heresy we can all expect when Ministers cease to obey the important principle of only ever interpreting Scripture in the light of Scripture.
Thus while it is indeed quite true St. Paul exhorted his readers to “rejoice” – an odd choice of word here on account of it’s archaic French origin, and one which Wiktionary makes quite clear carries a variety of meanings, the appropriate one of which in this context (since it’s St. Paul writing, and we know he never thought about anything other than sex) is “To have (someone) as a lover or spouse; to enjoy sexually.” (No, I really haven’t made that one up: click the link if you don’t believe me!).
As clearer and wiser Teachers of Truth like myself said throughout the lead-up to this national tragedy, and the one which you all know I stood as a fearless lone voice proclaiming, was that our prevailing emotion should be one of sorrow. John 11:35 indisputably states that “Jesus wept”, and since Christians are called to be like Jesus (except for the bits about Him speaking to women as equals, associating with sinners, poor people, unbelievers, foreigners, and other riff-raff, and standing up for someone who’s sexuality had gotten them into a whole mess of troube) there can be no doubt that those would follow Jesus are under a Scriptural Imperative to walk around sobbing till rivers of tears flow down their cheeks, staining their modest-but-tastefull cotton-polyester décolletage.
Rest assured that there’ll be nothing but Christ-like grief at my Church for the next four years. Or at least until I find someone gullible enough to buy all the Mormon Tabernacle Choir recordings we stockpiled as part of a planned training course for those aspiring to careers as Washington lobbyists. Now perhaps Consuella still has the number of the
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.
PS. Spare a thought also, if you will, for John Kubik, an attendee at Romney's Boston election night party, whose 15 minutes of fame has just passed in the form of a mention in The New York Times. When asked how he felt, Mr. Kubik, who comes from Orlando, Florida, replied “Horrible. I’ve despised Obama from the election. He’s an arrogant Communist.”
Guess it's downhill from here for John... but at least he's not letting reality get in the way of some really funny hyperbole.