Friday, November 16, 2012

Father Christian's modest proposal.

As I write these words Palestinians are blowing the beAllah out of Israelis, who are in return blowing the beAdonai out of Palestinians. My Curate, Evangelical Eric, holds Obama responsible, and insists the President could fix everything by blowing the beJesus out of Iran. Although since my Curate also blames Obama for the infected hair follicle preventing him from crossing his legs without wincing it’s understandable the White House hasn’t been responding to the boy’s unsolicited letters of advice. Meanwhile My Biblically Traditional Brethren everywhere remain paralysed with grief over last week’s electoral tragedy, leaving me to boldly carve a way forward alone through these terrible days.

Indeed, at times like these even the most god-forsaken Liberal is forced to admit that a Teacher of My Calibre is more than just a pretty face draped in man-lace every Sunday. That’s because the situation we now face is one of fact - the dreadful reality that the Sacred Principle of democracy has been forever perverted by the election of a candidate not approved of by White Conservative Men. In response only those who embrace facts like Jonah’s survival for three days in a fish's gastrointestinal tract, or that human linguistic variations result from the attempted construct of a tower in the ancient near east, can possibly have what it takes to invent the facts required to lead Sinners through the coming apocalypse of affordable healthcare and improved public education.

Hence my advice to Sinners trembling with fear of the scythe of socialism about to fall upon their unblemished necks is to not do anything foolish, such as trying to understand what socialism actually is before throwing the term around like confetti at a mafia wedding. Instead everyone should simply be quiet and listen to me. Because unlike My Imitators, not all my research involves visiting web sites asking for a valid card number, and I have discovered something Very Important of which you need to be aware. Look at this:

The table above is a list of the ten U.S. states with the highest incarceration rates in the country - imprisonment figures so impressive that these places actually lead the world when it comes to locking people up. And behold the election result - 90% of these states voted the way god told Me his people must vote!

But on the other hand, look at the result in those states failing to realize that Liberty depends upon keeping as many as possible under lock and key:
These are the states with the lowest incarceration rates per 100 000 citizens and the tragic result is undeniable - now we’re looking at 70% of votes being cast exactly as directed from the pit of hell! Godless Socialist Liberals can whine all they like about babies born in countries like Malaysia, Cuba, Lithuania, and Poland having a better chance of survival than those born in the United States, but there’s no argument about the facts - the number of people a community imprisons is directly proportional to number of votes for the freedom that lets fine American Businessmen like Bernie Madoff, or Exemplars of Family Values like Donald Trump, do what they do best!

Thanks to My Enlightened Exegetical Teaching you will now see that unless Americans immediately begin imprisoning as many of their fellow citizens as possible the Nation cannot hope to survive. My recommendation is that we begin with known Communists and trouble makers, such as those admitting to own recordings by R.E.M., or who know what Born in the U.S.A. is really about. And foreigners of course, along with everyone who doesn’t think Churches have a natural right to tax-exemption. Simply locking up these deviant members of our society will of itself ensure a electoral disaster of the kind with which Unfaithful Americans have just been chastised is never happens again. Then later on, to be certain about National Security, we can jail those elements exerting a more subtle influence for evil, such as everybody with the letter “e” in their name.

The Scriptures don’t call America “The Home of the Brave” without good reason, but we need to prove that bravery with the blood of as many young people as possible. And those whom we can’t render limbless and emotionally-cored by PTSD need to be jailed, along with anyone else daring to hope for a society not run by plutocrats. Only when chain-gangs line every roadway, and privately-owned prisons can manufacture consumer goods at a price and under conditions which make Foxconn jealous, will America truly be The Land of the Free.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

6 comments:

Grandmère Mimi said...

Name and shame. It's good to know I'll be saved up there, since chances are I'll end up in prison down here on earth. I'm from Louisiana.

Wade said...

And once again Maine comes in dead last on a list. Even after we elected Saint Paul LePage governor. How sad.

Anonymous said...
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The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Little Brad Evans - you are at times one of the most loathsome attention seekers I have ever encountered. And trust me, my boy, I've met some truly gruesome specimens of that genre.

Jim said...

Even for one of your undeniable wisdom, once in a great while you exceed normative brilliance. This post is an outstanding example.


FWIW
jimB

Brian said...

Merry Christmas Father Troll.