Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Known by the company you keep…

One of the most enjoyable things about being an Authentically Biblical Traditionalist is the knowledge that you stand in your conviction alongside so many truly wonderful people. Over the years I’ve introduced My Beloved Sinners to far too many to name here: certainly the lovely Davids Virtue and Ould deserve a mention, as does Colorado Springs’ (and CANA’s) epitome of integrity, Donny Armstrong, who is currently on probation and quite appropriately not feeling he owes any apology for having misappropriated close to one hundred thousand of his church’s hard-earned. Nor can I omit the nut-job on Facebook who accuses me of being anti-family, and then posts this Valentine’s Day message of marital devotion:

But it is with thanks to Republican Tears - essential reading for anyone with an inclination to sail the subtle seas of schadenfreude – that I’ve come across someone who rises above even these great names in the mighty world of Contemporary Christian Misogyny: the author of the timeless What the Right Doesn’t Get About Elections.

Be warned, however, before you rush to click that link and wallow in the trough of what you will find there: if you think folks can’t get any nastier than the fun-loving throng at Viagraville you’re in for a very big shock. In fact tis piece is so outstandingly Conservative that the response generated frightened the courageous author into removing it (hence my link is to Google’s cached version) and closing down his site, the ironically named “Christian Men’s Defense Network” (How can anyone not love the neo-nazi styling of his title font? Although why would someone wanting to style themselves as a “defender” want to align themselves with one of the most comprehensively defeated military regimes in history – one with a leader so brave that rather than face the consequences of defeat he preferred to shoot his dog and wife before turning the gun on himself? Or are the answers to such mysteries self-evident?)

And now before closing I’d like to assure everyone devastated by the success of the Liberal Plot to prevent my appointment as Archbishop of Canterbury to do their very best to keep their chins up. Many have found that sending me a large and expensive gift by way of consolation helps with their grief, and I’d encourage each one of to prayerfully consider this as a means of helping you find solace in these sad times. Meanwhile – and since this concerns a matter of a highly confidential nature I’m not at liberty to discuss it further – I have already been approached in regard to a different appointment even more suited to a Man of My Experience. And you’d better believe when I’m the one sending sexy emails from that office those responsible for overlooking My Obvious Vocation to lead the Anglican Communion will find themselves framed quicker than you can say “Rosenberg”.

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.


Grandmère Mimi said...

What is Alpha sex?

Nevermind. I don't think I want to know.

Shall I start a letter-writing campaign to assure your appointment to the vacant position?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Indeed Grandmère: I was also puzzled by that one, but Consuella explained Alfa sex is something European politicians and merchant bankers do in those lovely Italian cars which rust and break down all the time.

I’d very much appreciate your support, but I don’t think letters are what will help me get over the line here: I believe the recruiters feel the position requires someone with the ability to send emails. Lots of them, and the raunchier the better.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Oh, I bet I could convince at least 30,000 people to send sexy emails on your behalf.

Leonard Clark said...

I, of course, will supply the Lay prayers needed to result in the success of such a worthy and especially Holy enterprise.