All the excitement we had here at St. Onuphrius’ last week was spectacularly capped off yesterday by the opening of our new state-of-the-art children’s facility.
Named The Ceausescu Creche in honor of the late Romanian leader and pioneer of modern Biblical child-care, it features individual sound-proof booths into which parents can deposit their little ones to scream the infantile self-centeredness right out of their systems in perfect isolation. Confident their precious bundles are busily developing the vacant blank gaze for which GAFCON parishioners are famous, Mom and Dad are free to devote their undivided attention on me and whatever important Bible Truth I feel like teaching them.
Preliminary research indicates that as few as ten sessions each averaging two hours in duration over a fortnight – less than minimum parish involvement expected from congregation members – produces significant changes to rebellious infant personalities. Instead of running about excitedly, laughing and exploring everything their little hands can grab hold of, toddlers are soon just sitting quietly and rocking themselves backwards and forwards on the spot, making no sound other than an occasional whimper. Even new-borns quickly cease demanding food and attention whenever their selfish unrepentant hearts want it, and become obediently attuned to a strict regular schedule, leaving their mothers able to organise their busy routine of Bible-study and parish service without inconvenience.
All indications are that this fine start will leave these children marked for life. We predict they will grow up untroubled by independent thought, unambitious, eager to do exactly whatever they are ordered (providing, of course, that the task isn’t too complex), and seeking only the barest of attention in return for their obedience. And just think of the money they’ll save by wanting to spend the whole of their lives living in dormitories?
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.