Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Canada - "A Mari Usque Ad Mare" (From See to See)

News has just come to hand that the wild & crazy conservatives in Canada have proved themselves so biblically orthodox they’re unable to turn the other cheek in mediation, and so are now rushing head first into court in accordance with 1 Corinthians 6:1-8, which St. Paul obviously only intended to understood figuratively, unlike his teaching on women, homosexuality, and making vows which involve shaving one’s head.

Naturally I think this is wonderful news, since there can be no doubt millions of Canadians will be screaming to learn more about Jesus as a result of the enormous legal bills which will undoubtedly ensue. Even so, to be perfectly honest all this does make me just a little nervous about my brethren's future:

Maybe it’s because the press release claims ANiC (whom despite the obvious similarities are not to be confused with ANIC - the Australian National Insect Collection) numbers 29 parishes, three bishops, 73 priests and deacons and 3500 Canadians. Do the sums: that’s 76 clergy for every 46-and-a-bit parishioners. Which means if clergy aren’t forced to provide for their families by putting to sea in search of whatever it is people catch now that the cod are all gone, every man, woman, child and intellectually-disabled pensioner must put an absolute minimum of $25 each in the plate every Sunday. Without fail, and that still won’t cover the cost of premises, ancillary staff, or tickets to vital ministry conferences in warm and sunny places during winter. Nor does it pay for regular visits from Bishop Venalballs, nor the web site they only sporadically update, nor the internet connections from which they post whiney press releases.

Not that a detail like this will concern David Short and Jimmy Packer, two of the chief antagonists. As author of the ground-breaking treatise on sleep disorders, Only Evangelicals Know God, the latter has probably over the years extracted more money from conservatives than Lourdes has from little old Italian ladies in black stockings, so it’s not as if he’s got anything to worry about. Meanwhile my prediction (and remember: you heard it from me first!) is that the former is already preparing to high-tail it out of the mess he’s helped create, and seriously expects to slide into little Peter Jensen’s safari suit - but that particular story can wait until another bed time…

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

7 comments :

Fred Schwartz said...

Father Christian,
What is all this fuss over meditation? Doesn't everyone meditate? And why should it be the sole province of ANiC? Aren't all Christians (and some Buddhists) called to meditate. Pray tell, when one meditates is it really necessary to go to court just because one cannot? Wouldn't confession be a better place to go when meditation fails?
Just asking.

Anonymous said...

The mediation meditation took only a day and one-half...pretending to be reasonable and sane couldn´t last any longer than that...frankly, I´m suprised the thieving zealots were able to sit still, and in the same room, with the impure THAT LONG (forgetting of course that it might ¨look good¨ to have *tried*...afterall, it´s ALL about appearances for these shallow lunatics and they think others will think as they do).

Irving Kippersnacks Packer

Raspberry Rabbit said...

When my medication failed I thought of going to court. Mrs Rabbit came in to the bedroom to find me jousting with the IKEA paper light shade and calling it Henry.

The levels have since been adjusted. Litigation proved unnecessary.

Leonardo Ricardo said...

¨Mrs Rabbit came in to the bedroom to find me jousting with the IKEA paper light shade and calling it Henry.¨ RR

This may be the funniest thing I´ve ever read...thank you, rolling around on my bed hysterically in the middle of wherever it is I think I am!

Mil Gracias!

Jim said...

I think you reported the ratio of clergy to laity incorrectly. It is one cleric per 46 (and a bit) lay persons. Your financial calculation is solid. If each person contributes $25 each week, the income is $1151 per cleric or $4950 per month. That means that to pay each one while keeping the parishes in candles, heat, water, lawn care and the like a significant miracle is required.

The numbers simply do not add up.

I suppose a number of the clergy must either be living off pensions or they are tent makers.

FWIW
jimB

Fred Schwartz said...

Jim,
They are Zen Buddhist monk lawyers who teach mediated meditation. Please, don't confuse me with the facts.

Lapinbizarre said...

The size of many of those bishops, there should be excellent pickings for tent-makers, JimB