Saturday, May 30, 2009

Parish Announcement.

My dear wicked sinners; I must warn you all that things are likely to be a bit disrupted around here over the next week or so, as the St. Onuphrius’ Ministry Team and I are heading off on an important missionary journey to the Peri-Antarctic Islands.

Those of you who physically attend St. Onuphrius’ each Sunday are reminded that services will be continuing normaly in my absence: as usual the guards will lock everyone into their pews five minutes before starting time, and the chains will be removed again at the regular times. While the intervening period will feature neither Eucharist nor sermon, Martin (the Thurifer with Tourettes) has kindly agreed to supervise an offertory procession, and I will checking the cameras upon my return to ensure nobody slackened off in their giving. Meanwhile the girls of the Pole-Dancer’s Fellowship have prepared a very special presentation for the 10:00 am Family Service, so everyone should start thinking now about inviting any wealthy male friends or relatives along to this exciting outreach. A guest team from Brother Richthofen’s seminary, who will hopefully be accompanied by several exceedingly firm young fellows from Nashotah House, will be manning the steam room and massage tables, so anyone in need of relief afterwards is still welcome to come forward for individual “hands-on” ministry.

As for you who are part of my virtual congregation here, I can promise you're in for a very special treat. A team of guest bloggers, who while obviously no substitute for me, will be doing their very best to keep you all firmly upon the path of righteousness. Without giving anything away, I can safely guarantee you’ll all be amazed at the names who’ll be pathetically attempting to stand-in during my absence…

Please also remember me and my team in your prayers: I know the Peri-Antactic Islands sound delightful this time of year, but we certainly have a great deal of work ahead of us. Evangelical Eric, in particular, will need all his strength to pedal the generator at night so that the rest of us keep warm, and while the book I’ve just finished reading on piloting helicopters makes it all seem quite straightforward, it will still be comforting to know my hands are upheld by your intercessions in the Spirit as I fly us all from rocky outcrop to outcrop in the freezing gale-force winds.

Our initial base will be the Aurora Islands, a group of three islets upon which Bishop Quinine intends to establish the world’s southernmost Anglican outpost. All being well this will initially be declared as extra-provincial to Canterbury, but once we’ve determined a way of photo-shopping the penguins to look like people I’m confident we’ll be able to claim Provincial status in next to no time. After all, simply by throwing around a few baskets of fish before taking any pictures it will appear to be one of the fastest-growing and most populous churches in the Communion.

Even more exciting are my own plans to establish a privately owned and operated prison in this region. Run along the lines of Guantanamo, it will cater to countries unable to afford such a facility of their own, or who for reasons of political expediency would rather outsource the beating and water-boarding of those with whom they happen to disagree. After all, what better place to keep all this sort of unpleasantness hidden than at the other end of the world? And who better to operate it than a group of conservative, Bible-believing Christians?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

5 comments :

Fred Schwartz said...

Well, my dear Father Christian,
I for one, will be taking this opportunity to visit the provincial home of the most holy and revered Greggie Venaballs. Since I cannot get my fix each weak from you I will need to move to the next place to get high -- I mean next to God. Hope all goes well and BTW, were you aware that much like a bee, helicopters were not meant to fly?

Robert said...

I think you should have offered to lead a pilgrimage and allowed your faithful followers to remain learning at your feet.

David |Dah • veed| said...

Let me know when the prison is ready. I have a Latino Lesibico/Gay Special Operations Team in constant surveillance of the former torturero extraordinaire of the United States of America. When his cell is ready, we will pinch him.

Doorman-Priest said...

Looking forward to the subs!

Grandmère Mimi said...

Godspeed good Fr Christian.