A Parenthesis (It Ain't So Pt.4)

Lest anyone have jumped to the wrong conclusion after reading my recent homilies concerning what those in the know are calling “the ACNA Delusion”, let me state once and for all that I am 100% committed to the idea of parallel Provinces everywhere. Indeed, my personal belief is that Provinces are like cocktail parasols – one simply can’t have too many of them.

Indeed, often on a Sunday afternoon when Bishop Quinine has consumed his 37th Strawberry Daiquiri and raucously demanding yet another, we give him a glass containing nothing but a little ice and cocktail parasols, and he invariably settles down for hours, twirling the little umbrellas in his mouth and singing Faith of our Fathers. Which, I’ve always suspected, is something that would work equally well for little layman Jack Iker - although I dare say his retinue might prefer him to sing an Andrews Sisters medley.

Yet, as anyone who’s ever tried to bank one of my checks understands; I am at heart a pragmatist. Heaven knows I love little layman Robert Duncan like a skin disorder, but when clergy aren’t realistic about their chances of getting away with something you can be sure they’ll end up in the kind of mess little Matt Kennedy is currently trying to scrape off his shoes. For my own part I’ve tacitly aligned St. Onuphrius’ with just about everything that doesn’t involve branding or genital mutilation (such as Sydney, for example), but until it’s certain that ++Canterbury will turn his back on the one group who’ve been supporting him where it matters most the only thing we’re contemplating running up the flagpole is our Curate.

After all, even some of my weaker brethren are beginning to let reality intrude: a certain Baptist with years (well two, to be precise) of parish ministry and dubious doctorate has deigned to post a piece from CANA “bishop” David Anderson which, in a few brief coherent and intelligent moments, shows he too has been paying close attention to my words. I dare say if the lad applies himself he might even one day amount to something.

Although then again, I not sure even we’ll have enough little parasols if that happens.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.