Friday, May 15, 2009

It Ain’t So (Pt.2)

Provinces are like potato chips: open the pack and everyone wants one. ++Rowan may be more interested in translating the unwritten works of Dostoevsky than he is in knowing what day it is, but he’s still sufficiently compos mentis to know that recognizing a new North American province won’t get him the good night’s sleep he obviously needs.

Sure saying little Bobby Duncan's show is something more than just another sect will give the world a very happy pair of eyebrows in Pittsburgh, but – and this probably isn’t something that the Viagravillains understand too well (global geography not being a high priority on the home-schooling agenda) - there’s more to the Communion than just layman Duncan’s ambitions for a really big hat. If there's one thing not written in ancient Welsh that ++Cantaur really does understand it's this: giving ACNA what they want will only put every other wingnut in the Communion on a plane to Lambeth in the hope that they’ll also get their own “parallel” piece of turf.

Take the Canadians, for example: how long are their schismatics going to be happy groaning under the cultural oppression of a U.S. province? And while the wild and crazy guys at St. Timothy’s Anglican Bible Church in Montreal seem even less Francophone than I am (and the only French I know involves kissing and letters), how long will it be before the few Quebecois silly enough to get mixed up in this start chafing at their U.S. Bishop's mono-lingual yoke?

Or what about the Diocese of Sydney? Given that the rest of their country views them in much the same way as you view that dirty old uncle who always gets drunk and exposes himself at Christmas, why shouldn’t little Peter Jensen have his own Province? After all, he’s on the GAFCON Primate’s Council, and ++Cantaur would only be giving assent to something little Pete’s family and serfs have believed for years...

Then there’s the Church of England in South Africa. Having left the Communion in 1938, they promptly spent the next 71 years trying to get back in – a endeavor somewhat hindered in recent years by the congruent burden of trying to convince themselves that they never supported apartheid, it just “... was the practice as a result of language, cultural and geographic differences.” Why can’t they come in as a parallel province to the troublemakers responsible for Bishop Tutu? Even someone silly enough to become the Archbishop of Canterbury knows that if North America gets the nod it’s a certainty Frank Retief will be peskier than a Jehovah’s Witness at the blood bank.

For that matter, what about me? “The Province of Ichabod Springs” has a lovely ring, and what better gift to posterity than to go down in history as their Founding Primate/ I can already picture the fountain constructed in my honour: a understated rococo piece with urinating cherubim and the Archangel Gabriel kneeling down in homage before me. Or is that too much like one Bobby Duncan’s dreaming of?

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

7 comments :

Fred Schwartz said...

"how long will it be before the few Quebecois silly enough to get mixed up in this start chafing at their U.S. Bishop's mono-lingual yoke?"

Has little layman Duncan been doing standup again? You know he really isn't very funny, even in person. And more to the point, I didn't know he was monolingual since I always need a translator for when he says stuff. But perhaps that is because I do not speak conealonialist.

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Don´t be silly Fred, it´s the bad English accent from PB Conealone that´s confusing...I think Greg will be understood much better after he resumes attempting to sell fish and chips off a cart on Florida Mall in BA...ah I can hear the Tango music now...it´s music to my ears.

Grandmère Mimi said...

What about the Church of England and the Church in Wales? Which groups are lying in wait "over there" for their very own province, unpolluted by teh gays and teh wimmin?

Alan Rogers said...

You know, what I don't understand is the affinity the Bible Church types have for Roman Collars all of a sudden.
I remember just twenty years ago, when they all preferred three-piece suits.
Do those collars scratch some primal itch I'm unaware of? :)

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

There's at least two groups dreaming of their own British Province that spring immediately to mind, Grandmère: Charles Raven and any lunar-evangelicals able to tolerate him, and an übertractarian alternative for the Forward-in-Faith boys to join and then promptly begin threatening to leave for Rome. Given a little while longer Tom Wright will probably also feel an urge to be master of his own domain.

As for the current rash of odd allegiances, Alan, an intoxicating elixir of homophobia and insecurity have given some the most alarming case of "beer-goggles" I've seen since the time Bishop Quinine brought home three Shriners in a pantomime camel suit.

Once the first rush of desire has been sated, and everyone's woken up scratchy, itchy, and hung-over, the fighting will really begin.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Is it just me? On seeing "SPREAD" and "propagation" so closely juxtaposed at the Rev. Raven's site, I could neither concentrate nor keep a straight face as I read his message. And then there was the "radical realignment" which finished me off. I couldn't tell you what else the good Rev. said.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

No my child, it's definitely not just you. I've long suspected laman Raven is just a tiny bit obsessed, although he provides a wonderful service by way of an alibi for evangelicals caught looking on the web at things they shouldn't:
"What have you been doing looking at www.bum.com????"
"Relax honey, that's just a sister site to spread.com."