George Conger's Gift to Masturbaters.

Thanks to little George Conger and his publicists at “Religious Intelligence” Christians all around the world with Covenant Eyes installed on their computers are enthusiastically whacking away. Students at fine institutions like Patrick Henry College and Sydney’s Moore Theological College won’t be coming out of their rooms for days, and “Accountability Partners” will all be mystified as to why their charges have spent hours studying what appears to be a straightforward story about a judicial bureaucrat ruling children are better off being raised in cold and heartless institutions than in warm and loving family homes overseen by caring couples who happen to have similarly shaped smelly bits.

Little will the “Accountability Partners” realize George’s article has been thoughtfully illustrated with the kind of picture that heterosexual-but-dysfunctional Bible-believing men all know accurately depicts the depravity into which young women immediately plummet if left unattended after being in any way exposed to the lesbian lifestyle and/or its practitioners. You can see the original for yourselves here, but you'd better click quickly, since I doubt the Religious Intelligence will be able to cope with the increased bandwidth. Consequently I have for posterity's sake reproduced the relevant portion of Rev. Conger’s article:


After all, I’m sure it’ll only be a matter of time before some apostate liberal tries to suppress this article (which I swear I have not photoshopped!) on account of it revealing the truth about what happens when instead of marrying off their daughters to much older and wiser Biblical Christians, who then compel their legitimately purchased young brides to produce hordes of home-schooled progeny, parents permit girls to receive an education.

Mark my words: when you start with little things, like teaching a young woman to read, it’s only a matter of time before she’ll doubt the veracity of such Biblical truths as the fact that all the world’s linguistic differences resulted from God getting annoyed by few hubristic Babylonian property developers (Nobody likes having their view built out). Then the next thing you know she and her friends are leaning against pastel-colored walls in micro-skirts and feeling each other’s breast implants. Or at least that’s what most of George Conger’s followers hope will happen.

This all raises some serious questions. Like where did George steal this picture from, and is it part of a series? Can he give his assurance he was only viewing that site for research purposes? Or the most important question of all: what sort of Google traffic was he hoping to attract with the headline “Court blow for homosexuals”? And how can Bishop Quinine be prevented from taking this literally next time he’s ordered to make an appearance?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.