Archbishop Peter Jensen: Mr. Gaffe-Con 2009

Competition may indeed have been fierce in lesser divisions, but the title of Mr. Gaffe-Con 2009 was never in doubt: nobody in either the apostate liberal Anglican Communion or those glorious sects which comprise its true-but-unrecognized schismatic “provinces” came close to little Pete when it comes to epitomizing the glorious mix of dishonesty, hypocrisy, incompetence, and all-round general nastiness for which Orthodox Biblical Christians have become famous.

Where does one begin when it comes to recounting his achievements of 2009? Do we recall his attempt to cover up what last January was rumored to be a loss of around $50 million of his parishioner’s money? Or do we start later in the year, when the truth finally leaked out that he’d manage to oversee a shortfall of more than three times the figure his house-elves were initially denying – a truly spectacular sum in excess of $160 million - turning the world’s richest diocese into the ecclesiastical equivalent of Arkansas. Except Arkansas’s leaders aren’t as famous for inbreeding and nepotism.

Yet Peter Jensen’s small gambling problem – for which he has never apologized, only spoken of how it made him feel - is only a small aspect of his many triumphs; 2009 also saw little Pete spearhead “Connect 09” - the largest evangelism campaign in Sydney diocesan history. Part of an ambitious “Vision for Growth”, it successfully resulted in a decrease in church attendance. Not that members of the Jensen family considered it a failure, of course: a key aspect of this spectacularly expensive flop involved Archbishop Pete ordering parishes to purchase vast numbers of a little book entitled “The Essential Jesus” (undoubtedly to distinguish Him from the non-essential Jesus they normally serve) for distribution to their unsuspecting neighbors.

“So what?” I can hear Dearly Beloved Sinners ask; “Lots of Bishops recommend material for their parishes to distribute.” Which is true, my Unenlightened Children, but what sets Mr. Gaffe-Con 2009 apart from the average Bishop is this: those booklets weren’t published by the Sydney Diocese, but by a privately owned company called “St. Matthias Press”. And among the directors and major shareholders of that company are… You Guessed It! Members of Little Pete’s family!!!

What was for most Sydney Anglicans a second (albeit much smaller) financial loss was for the fortunate shareholders of this profitable concern a marvelous windfall! Not that they had to worry about losing their jobs as a result of little Pete’s “investment strategies” – among the many names on the list of those laid off, or currently learning how to clean windscreens at traffic lights in preparation for a new career when the grant funding their current position runs out, cannot be found a single “Jensen”.

Such examples of Archbishop Peter Jensen’s genius are endless, and the above are just a few of the many instances cited in the countless emails I received nominating him for this prestigious title. Those of us in North America or Great Britain should heed them well: pay close attention next time you hear an aspiring Jensen groupie like little Matt Kennedy speaking of “Sydney’s bold commitment to Scripture”. After all, Matthew 4:5-6 shows you can always tell a leader by their preparedness to refer to the Scriptures.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.