Sunday, April 11, 2010

Bermuda at Last! (sort of...)

Bless me, My Beloved Sinners, but Bishop Quinine and I have finally arrived in Bermuda and I know you’ve all been desperately worried about what’s happened to us since my last homily, posted just prior to our aircraft's departure. We’ve been through a fascinating experience, and even though the FBI and CIA (along with another agency so secret they don’t even have an acronym) have combined their resources to ensure no details of this adventure are ever made public, let me assure you nothing could prevent me from sharing my testimony with those who, like yourselves, need to hear it most.

Everything about the flight was progressing normally; we were relaxing in first class (there was more room on little David Virtue’s credit card than might have been imagined), and Bishop Quinine was enjoying his eighth refreshing breakfast martini while I was studying the scriptures and checking to ensure the flight attendants’ lingerie was suitably modest (let me tell you this: Brother Andrew’s famous miracle about border guards not seeing his smuggled Bibles isn’t a patch on the answer to prayer that got my trusty mirror-on-a-stick through the pre-flight security inspection) when suddenly, as we approached Bermuda, our aircraft started experiencing strange electrical anomalies.

The compass began gyrating like a Pentecostal with a hula-hoop, and the satellite-navigation systems were placing us in a KFC drive-through just outside Milwaukee. The First Officer, clearly disorientated , began complaining the girl had only given him wings and that strange triangular part of the chicken which looks like it's distorted from the poor bird having spent too long in a cage. Fortunately his co-pilot could restore him to his senses, whereupon he began his final radio transmission: “Whitewater! Whitewater!” (Actually he said nothing of the sort, but I once heard this in a Charles Berlitz movie, and thought it would sound impressive here).

Moments later our entire airplane was drawn into a huge spaceship bearing an uncanny resemblance to something a “continuing” Anglican might wear, and small beings with large heads and big lidless eyes ordered us from our seats. Indeed, at first things weren’t going well: the little aliens seemed quite hostile, and Bishop Quinine created a panic among our fellow passengers when he explained the objects with which they were directing us were probes, and not just cattle-prods.

The situation soon improved, since when the alien in charge of the ship appeared he and Bishop Quinine immediately recognized each other as old friends, and by means of animated hand gestures began cheerfully reminiscing about a number of previously shared adventures - although as these obviously appeared to include the aforementioned probes only those passengers who’d been travelling in business class found anything reassuring in the joyful reunion.

As the other aliens grumbled among themselves about the delay, however, I made an amazing discovery: their native tongue was in fact JavaScript - the same language in which Brother Richthofen’s young Friend from Seminary wrote the clever little program that tells how often the Ould twins visit my site (at least once a day, if anyone’s interested). Naturally any language involving so many + and ++ symbols comes easily to one as well-versed in Anglicanism as myself, and in no time at all I was able to communicate with perfect fluency, barring the occasional error in syntax and punctuation, whereupon the polite response is for everyone to collapse in a heap and do absolutely nothing until the speaker corrects their mistake.

As you can well imagine, any beings prepared to fly 3,000 light years to burn crop circles and terrorize people who live in trailer parks are absolutely fascinating conversationalists, and sat entranced as I explained my own importance to the Global Schism and the future of Orthodoxy as Christians have understood it since at least the early-mid nineteenth century ( “Function GafCon()
var Anglican, Troll, DoctrinalWarrior;
if
{
(typeof Anglican != Troll)
document.body && document.body.style myForm
}else{
DoctrinalWarrior[0]++
document.write(txt.constructor).smiteAll}
” – or something like that: they have a few more global functions than we do, but on the other hand Vista was considered too complicated for release in their galaxy).

Nor will you believe the story they told about little Peter Jensen – but that’s going to have to wait until my next homily: right now the Man-In-Black responsible for our debriefing wants me meet someone from the FBI called Agent Scully: apparently she’s been a long-term admirer and is most eager to review my case in person.

I’m Father Christian and I’m the First Interstellar Evangelist.

50 comments:

Fr Hugh Jass said...

I haven't read anything so profound since I last heard +Tom Wright explain the goggle-eyed creatures in the Book of Revelation. God's Word predicted that The Beast would appear on earth in the form of Big Pete Akinola.
Are you sure, Fr Troll, that Dobby Ould wasn't one of the strange elf-like creatures searching for his Antipodean Master? Sydney Calvinists live on another planet and are often mistaken for aliens. They can't help it if they all look strange and speak in gibberish.

Brad Evans said...

"Trailer parks"? You talk to people in trailer parks? I thought anglicans only talked to NPR subscribers?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

I talk to everyone Brad, my son. Even you.

Anonymous said...

Fr Christian
Was your craft 'beamed up' into the mother ship and did the evangelical aliens impregnate those superior beings with Calvinism, so that literal fundamentalism and Earthly materialism may become the doctrine of the universe?
Or are the GAFCON representatives playing host to a higher intelligence? One that will break free from their bellies and take over the world wide Anglican Church?
Ellen Ripley

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Ellen: Both you and Fr. Jass are far closer to the awful truth than either of you realize - all will soon be revealed in my next homily.

Bruce said...

Pseudo prelates in choir habit and mitres -- coming to your neighborhood soon! Wikipedia link was priceless. Your travels are stimulating and we all expect many future developments at such high levels. Cheers.

Brad Evans said...

But do you ask them to join your church?
Or mine, for that matter?
Why don't I start putting plus signs in front of my name?
+++++Brad
I knew that "The Episcopal Church Welcomes Everybody" but that, somehow, it manages to remain over 96% White and middle/upper middle class. This must be the only real miracle your church manages to perform year in and year out.

Anonymous said...

Sydney Anglicans are preoccupied with Atheists at present. Brad should log onto their website and put them straight. Oh sorry I forgot... they are so straight that they are incapable of flexibility(aka known as compassion), except when flexing their autocratic muscle. Actually Brad should sign up for The Sydney Anglican Southern Cross magazine if he really wants to be offended!
http://www.sydneyanglicans.net/images/uploads/sydneystories/wallpaper.jpg
I'm sure Jesus is offended because it's not Atheists who have brought religion into disrepute but religious fundamentalists, using religious doctrine and God's name to harm and destroy people.
These shonky individuals use the crucifixion as a form of mind control, together with literal Bible verses, to persecute and oppress. When will they learn that Jesus is alive and well. Or do they already know that? Could it just be a little too psychologically and spiritually uplifting and liberating for the masses, if this was the central theme!
Check out the logo 'Sacraficed for me'http://www.sydneyanglicans.net/images/uploads/sydneystories/wallpaper.jpg
Anyone can die! 'Risen for me' sounds far more profound!

Anonymous said...

I think aliens are messing with my computer!

http://www.sydneyanglicans.net/images/uploads/sydneystories/wallpaper.jpg


http://www.sydneyanglicans.net/

Where's agent Mulder?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Brad my son: you know full well that as a Conservative I don't ask anyone to do anything: I order them, preferably at gunpoint.

Meanwhile if you'd like a few ++ of your own I recommend you contact little Bobby Duncan: he's giving them out to anybody, and in his organization your Pratt's Disease would be considered an asset.

Brad Evans said...

"Risen for me" sounds like a George Romero movie.
Jesus coming back after three days has always been the creepiest part of religion.
And if religion is so liberating, why are the most religious parts of the world the least free, the poorest, the most corrupt, the worst educated-and the least "gay friendly" and have the worst records on women's rights?
The percentage of atheists/agnostics in prison is lower than our percentage of the general population; if your religion has any effect on morals, it seems to be an inverse one.
Mainline protestantism is about as popular with the poor as NPR, Lands' End and Eddie Bauer clothing and organic vegan diets.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

George Romero? Come off it. We know it really reminds you of a Tom of Finland drawing, only with Vestments. Nobody needs to pretend here, my son.

Brad Evans said...

No, rising from the dead reminds me of George Romero. Considering that believers act as if they've had their brains eaten and you'll agree it's an accurate analogy.
And again, no comment on facts.
The vestments just look stupid and cost money. Plus you're just trying to pretend you're not Protestant.

Brad Evans said...

A list of stupid ideas:
"Indelible character of ordination"
"Reserved sacrament"
"Procession"
"Holy Water"
"Devotions"
"Prayers for the dead"
"Prayers to saints"
"Veneration"

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with you Brad. Jesus rising spiritually is impossible if the concept of Jesus does not exist. I think spirituality/religion supposed to function at a symbolic level and is often interpreted literally.
Atheism is a positive option especially when religion is abusive, however I fear the application of human ethics may also differ according to the perspectives and values of those implementing decisions made on humanitarian grounds.
Do atheists believe in personal spirituality or is that up to the individual?

Anonymous said...

Brad, I will ask Saint Dymphnapro to pray for you.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

"The vestments just look stupid and cost money."

Yes, but you do love talking about them, don't you my son?

mike hunt said...

Why does your house-elf Brad continue to relieve his auto-erotic needs here, Fr Troll, when there are, from what is apparently his point of view, far richer pickings (now THERE'S a Man Lace site!)to be had elsewhere in cyberspace?

Something to do with the banning process, do you suppose?

Brad Evans said...

Some atheists/agnostics do meditation to lower blood pressure, but that's about as far as they go.
I talk about vestments for the same reason you talk about ++++++Jenson and ++Ould and +++Akinola; you can't believe that people don't laugh out loud at the thought of such things, let alone pay money for them.
Why? Do you seriously think talking to the dead does anyone any good?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Talking to the dead??? Has someone dropped one of those Twilight books within arm's reach of your crate, my son? Because now you're starting to sound even creepier than usual.

Even so, were I to engage in such a practice I suspect it would be a lot like talking to you. Except their responses would be wittier.

Brad Evans said...

Since you have about the same actual contact with the dead as with me, this is may very well be true for you.
But then your idea of a good meal is a wafer and a sip of diluted bad wine.
"Mike Hunt" is a name worthy of all believers; thanks for the introduction to a (I believe the term is among you)"Romanist" or "Roman" or "Papist" site.

Brad Evans said...

And I would prefer to be referred to as +++++Brad, having an indelible character of ordination which conferred an ontological change on me.
Hey, it's no more ridiculous than keeping wafers in a special container with a red light on outside!

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

I realizer this will come as an awful shock to you, my son, but nobody here cares less about how you'd like to be addressed. Although if you could please try a bit harder to stop soiling your straw I've no doubt somebody out there would more than happy to sell you a few titles.

Brad Evans said...

"Cares less" than who?
I grant you an indulgence.

Anonymous said...

Is Brad Evans really a Sydney evangelical fundamentalist masquerading as an Atheist? The pedanticism sure sounds familiar.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Well spotted, Anon 4:06 - the similarity is indeed very real. Sadly the Jensenists have been also been plagued by Pratt's Disease for years, where: the condition is endemic among the fundamentalists of Mordor.

Anonymous said...

Yes Dean Jensen once wrote about about Atheists and I actually thought he was talking about members of the Sydney diocese.
"The hard-core atheists and agnostics are what we mean today by the word fundamentalists. Their views are not affected by evidence. Their prejudices and commitments make their reasoning irrational and their minds closed to evidence."
Is Atheism like Religious Fundamentalism. Phillip Jensen. 4.7.08 (From the Dean and on
the previous St Andrew's Cathedral website - prior to March 2010)Without the bible would evangelical fundamentalists be Atheists?

Brad Evans said...

No: without the bible there would be the Vedas, the quoran, the talmud, the dammapadda or lord of the rings; fundies would find a way.
And I don't gamble or preach against "sin", so that leaves me out of Jensen as much as Robertson or Schori.

Brad Evans said...

And if you have any evidence for the existence of god, please share it.

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Dearest Brad,

God lifted my active alcoholism...I was drunk on my living room floor (alone) when I screamed out at God to ¨take this away from me¨...God did, so endeth the 17 year dabbling in the occult and the gift has lasted over 31 years...not bad for a fictional diety that you say isn´t doing much to inspire you...try him if you are trapped in the desperation of your own self-hating.

Fr Hugh Jass said...

This is becoming ridiculous. The silly name "Brad Evans" is obviously a pseudonym. Why can't people be honest and use their real names? I do not believe in the existence of Brad Evans.

David G. said...

As Bishop of the land of Oz & Narnia, I declare the color purple off limits to creatures with crooks made of ivory.

Lapinbizarre said...

"The silly name "Brad Evans" is obviously a pseudonym". Something on which you and a certain curate seem to agree, Fr. Jass. He believed that Brad was one of my multiple personalities.

Brad Evans said...

Nope: "Bradford Nicholas Clifford Evans".
Leonardo, you found strength within yourself to stop killing yourself.
Congratulations. Except for heroin (and tobacco), alcohol is one of the most addictive substances.
Please have your liver checked twice a year; longtime addiction, even after years of sobriety, can have long-term effects.

mike hunt said...

"Bradford Nicholas Clifford Evans". Three Christian names, yet. Sweet.

Brad Evans said...

Mom's been dead for a few years now (2002); this woman looking for me is my half-sister.
There's an Episcopal priest who retired from St. Peter's by the Sea Episcopal Church in Narragansett, RI (Russell Ruffino, a former Jesuit) currently working in Umbria, Italy-want to do some more checking up on me? I used to work for him at the church as sexton.

mike hunt said...

Nope.

Fr Hugh Jass said...

Far too many young men worked as sextons for former RC clergy. No wonder the so-called 'Brad' is traumatised.

Brad Evans said...

He was very happily married.
"RC" is a type of cola, not the name of a church.
And I was born in 1957.

Brad Evans said...

It's the Church of the Resurrection, Orvieto, Italy.

Brad Evans said...

russellruffino@yahoo.com
My wife, Beverly, graduated with a degree in Nursing from the University of Rhode Island.

Lapinbizarre said...

Worse places to be than Orvieto.

What does a US sexton do?

His death which happened in his berth,
At forty-odd befell:
They went and told the sexton,
And the sexton toll'd the bell.

David |Dah • veed| said...

Sexton in the US is church speak for janitor or custodian.

Matthew 23 said...

Somebody else not been paying their bills? Where's Don Armstrong when you need him?

Brad Evans said...

Not my fault; sextons always have funerals and weddings to rely on.

Brother Dale said...

Oh, my, I always thought sextons were responsible for sexting. Perhaps beloved son Brad could use a week or two of counseling followed by reassignment to a distant location. No doubt he'll come around fine and dandy then.

Lapinbizarre said...

Mozilla page info on the ACI site indicates that it was last modified on March 01. Is this of significance?

Anonymous said...

Fr Christian
Has the aircraft been grounded or has it disappeared behind a veil of volcanic ash? What mutations are occuring at this present time?
I read on...

http://diocny.blogspot.com/2010/04/future-of-inclusion-critique.html

...that a new breed of Anglicans known as 'pansexualists' are taking over the Anglican Church. Is this what happens when aliens kidnap virtuous orthodox homophobics?

Apparently pansexualists are forcing out these virtuous homophobic Anglicans and making them feel like their prejudices are sinful. It sounds like something that same-sex attracted individuals have endured for years.
Could the Biblical navigational system on the Hindenburg airship be as out of date as the vessel itself? Has the swastika of old been replaced with the circle encasing the cross in the word GAFCON?
What's the goss?
Wolverine

Anonymous said...

Fr. Troll,

Did you know that Frequent Flyer +N. T. Wright is about to get stuck in the US due to the volcanic ash cloud? His latest tour included stops at Wheaton, some megachurch in Wisconsin, with a last appearance at Tim Keller's House O' Calvinism in New York. Maybe ++Katherine will let him couch-surf?

David G. said...

Just to get this blog comments to 50, ... I'm posting here Father,..(you better remember)...otherwise I'll sick Benedict on you,..and his (wilted) staff to!!