In the wake of a trivial misunderstanding, which has caused a spot of bother at home, Bishop Quinine and I have felt strongly called to join the other GAFCON “Global South” leaders in Bermuda, where I have no doubt the partying Primates will be only too grateful to wallow in the spiritual Jacuzzi of my wisdom.
Naturally this decision was, like the Diocese of Mordor’s “investment” strategy, only made after much prayer, and the fact that our apostate liberal Bishop has demanded I appear and explain why so many people were upset by part of St. Onuphrius’ contribution to Ichabod Springs’ ecumenical “Easter Sunday Family Parade” has nothing to do with the haste of our departure. Indeed, when God demands one attend an important conference and preach His Word a man of my standing has no option but to obey. Besides, if the fact that we were able to purchase two first class return tickets with the credit card Bishop Richthofen’s friend from Seminary stole from little David Virtue isn’t confirmation of the Spirit’s call then I don’t know what is.
As an added blessing, My Beloved Sinners, I intend live-blogging proceedings, giving an inspiring insight into what life is like for those who, like myself, have been called to a life of service and surrender for the Gospel. Yes; one can be sure it’s not all beer and skittles in our spiritual war against Homosexualists and Vicars-with-Vaginas: there’s also golf and tennis, and the sacrifice involved in partaking of some of the world’s finest wines. The task the Lord has put before me is to ensure everyone of you gains a deeper understanding of what the greatest names in the Glorious Global Schism endure on your behalf, and an appreciation of how much hard work is involved in ensuring the kinds of people Jesus called friends are driven away from His Church today.
Meanwhile I have thoughtfully entrusted my Curate, Evangelical Eric, with responsibility for sorting out the confusion which arose through the performance given by “Pirate Pete and Missy Mermaid” last Sunday afternoon. It’ll be a good chance for him to exercise the leadership skills which I have been caringly encouraging him to develop during his past year with us, and as he will undoubtedly explain, we can hardly be held responsible if our personal purity causes us to fail to appreciate the wicked subtleties of this perverse and sinful age’s language. As any reasonable person will agree, the St. Onuphrius’ Ministry Team (and more importantly, their leader) can’t honestly be expected to have realized that the expression “adult entertainers” means something more than just that the performers are over 21. What’s more, we found them on the internet, so how could anyone have imagined there’d be something unwholesome about their act?
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.