Saturday, April 24, 2010

Invasion!

Everyone knows homosexuality was unknown in Africa before its introduction by Apostate Episcopalians. Even so, few people realize just how successful American Evangelists have been when it comes to convincing young men and women to abandon the natural desires God may have forgotten to give them in favour of a predilection for musicals and ballroom-dancing or Subarus and softball. In the greatest piece of investigative journalism since Woodward and Bernstein enabled Christians to talk about Deep Throat without making any suspicious, the Nigerian Daily Sun has revealed the shocking truth in an article with the admirably understated headline of Homosexuals Invade Nigeria.

I’ve been saying this for years, of course, but the Sun’s research proves how quickly things can go to hell in a handbasket when Big Pete Akinola is turns his back for a moment to enjoy the trials of ministry in Bermuda and Singapore. Posing undercover on a notorious African homosexualist internet meat-market, the intrepid journalist manage to score a whopping 13,836 hopeful African respondents in just two weeks!

My Beloved Sinners – that’s almost 2,000 replies a day! Even Peter Ould couldn’t manage to get that many propositions, not even if he were to write his number on every cubicle wall in every public lavatory in Ware. What’s more, since none of the people replying, nor any of the other advertisers the article recounts in lascivious detail, were homosexual prior to Bishop Gene Robinson’s enthronement in late 2003, we can with absolute certainty state that it’s taken Episcopalian Evangelists just six and a half years to shift an entire continent’s sexuality. At this rate I fear it’s only a matter of time before the malaise spreads to even the highest levels of African Anglican leadership: whilst Uganda is for the present beyond question so long as Alison Barfoot is around, who knows what the future holds for those Provinces without such overtly heterosexual westerners to keep things straight?

Still, things aren’t all bad. As the article continues: “Sunday Sun learnt that a lot of rich, powerful but depraved people are the ones the new Nigerian members hanker after.” As long as rich and powerful but depraved foreigners remain desirable there’ll always be a place for Howard Ahmanson and his fellow Reconstructionists. Not to mention their money.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

67 comments:

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Makes me ache to read the heterosexual ¨hookup¨ classifieds (wonder why they weren´t covered properly)...I imagine they don´t have any casual SEX since Big Petey has instructed everyone about what fits where and scolds that missionary isn´t just a mission but a position.

These folks probably get VERY excited/steamed up reading this stuff...no doubt there will be more...it always amazes me just how much folks get to thinking about Gay and Lesbians ¨doing it¨ (of course the bisexuals quietly take mental note and the transgenders aren´t surprised at anything at all).

Fr Hugh Jass said...

Africans have been confused over their sexuality ever since Bishop Jefforts Schori wore a pair of trousers and dressed like a man. It is her fault entirely that Nigeria is not post-gay, like erect members of Christ Church Ware. It is time for Peter Ould to visit the Dark Continent to lay hands on as many men as possible. I have seen evidence that even Nigerian women are now indulging in unbiblical friendships. Is Mr Ould keeping abreast of the situation?
http://incogman.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/eth_59.jpg

Anonymous said...

Who is this Peter Old? Why would you want him to lay hands on anybody?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

I'll leave you to work out the answer to that, Anon 12:29 - or since you're very close to him you might like to ask him for yourself.

Anonymous said...

Fr. Hugh, which one of those people is Peter Ould?

David |Dah • veed| said...

Father Troll we can tell him one of Peter's nicknames.

He is well known here as Prostate Pete!

Anonymous said...

Is this the trumpet they keep referring to?

http://a0.vox.com/6a00c225279cef604a00d4144ac4f83c7f-320pi

Fr Mike Hock said...

It is most unChristian to mock former gays who have trouble with their prostatory regions.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

And now Anonymous, it's time for me to ask you a few questions. Such as...

Are you and the Curate of Ware joined in mystic blessed union, or are you just very good friends? (I already know the answer, but My Beloved Sinners might like you to share the answer on my behalf.)

Using www.the-cloak.com might be sufficient to stop your Rector and family form discovering your porn-surfing habits, but do you really think it's enough to prevent Brother Richthofen's Friends from Seminary from obtaining all sorts of information about you (you're using Windows and Firefox 3.6, and your IP address shows your attempt at hiding behind a proxy was unsuccesful. Would you like me to continue by sharing your address with everyone...)?

Do you often spend lengthy periods of time trying to hide your identity while searching through Google hits for Fr. Jass, or were you on this instance just looking for something in particular?

As Dah•veed explained, Curate Ould is known in these and many parts as "Prostate Pete", an epithet for which he alone bears responisibilty. My recomendation is you devote your energy into comprehending the hows and whys of that instead of stalking Beloved Sinners who, at the end of the day, really aren't your type.

Anonymous said...

Is Anonymous (www.the-cloak.com)threatened or perhaps inspired by the talent and wit of Fr Jass? You never know he might be desperately seeking his friendship. He might even want to capitalise on his wit by promoting him as a stand up Christian comedian at GAFCON conventions. The only problem is ...GAFCONeers will have to learn to laugh at themselves!

Brad Evans said...

The Indelible Character of the faithful most fully revealed in their obsession with the pointless.

Fr Hugh Jass said...

Dear Brad
It is hardly "pointless" for the Curate of Ware to be obsessed with his prostate. Having once discussed it at length, he now wishes to discover who is talking about it. If YOU had once been gay, you would probably be as concerned with your own prostate as Curate Ould is with his internal organs. You, Brad, are as obsessed as much with dear Dr Troll as Mr Ould is with gay sex. Perhaps Matron might give you an internal examination. You might even enjoy it.

Anonymous said...

Well seeing as you have already in this thread mistaken who is who, you should do your worst. If you think that trying to identify an individual person from a shared IP address is possible then you really don't understand the internet.

I'm also wondering whether Durham clergy should really be disobeying explicit instructions from their bishops, especially when they have a propensity to choose particularly vulgar names as their internet pseudonyms.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

My worst, little man? You obviously haven't spent enough time with conservatives to know anything yet.

Nor, as Brother Richthofen's Friend from Seminary just showed me, are IP adresses "shared" when one is on line - unless by "shared" you'd liked to claim that the someone else in your houshold (i.e. on the other side of your router) is using a computer with all manner of dirty, dirty little things in the cache, you nasty little evangelical you.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

... and by the way, my hypocritical little friend: firewalls and anonymizer services don't stop cookies. Of which you many visits here ago digested many.

Fr Hugh Jass said...

I don't find the name "Brad Evans" particularly vulgar. As far as I know, Durham is in North Carolina. How does the anonymous man with a funny prostate know that Brad hails from there?

Anonymous said...

Oh that that were so. I think you're confusing being able to access browser history with being able to access the cache. The latter is sadly not possible, the former is, but given that your website is not actually activating the necessary script to perform such an action I wonder why you claim as much. Indeed, it would be a violation of your terms of service to host such script and Google would already have acted accordingly were you to have done so. I doubt however that you know how to perform such a highly dubious bit of coding (or event the principle behind it) - perhaps you could enlighten us?

The whole thing smacks of an "All is discovered - Flee at once" attempt to scare, but you sure ain't Arthur Conan-Doyle.

As for you Father Heron (or Mr Jass if you prefer), your internet illiteracy shows no bounds.

Finally Troll, have you ever considered that I am well aware you know who I am? Do you seriously think I am that foolish as to not track which site puts which cookies on my browsers? Did you know that you can re-write cookies that are set on your browser? Would you like me to demonstrate at some point?

Fr Hugh Jass said...

It is preposterous for a former gay man with prostate problems to accuse me of internet illiteracy. I have come here for a serious discussion to help the afflicted gentleman. I now find he is talking about baking cookies! What have recipes got to with his sexual problems?

Anonymous said...

Durham has a bishop?

Lapinbizarre said...

So the mask is finally off for Cousin Adolf's countryman. Prostate Pete turns the other cheek yet again. Thank you, Father Ould, for so unselfconsciously revealing your true, vicious and, dare one say, since it would certainly be accurate, Un-Christian nature? Not saying we didn't know it was there - G-d knows we did - but thanks for revealing it with such blinding clarity.

Thanks also for letting us know that Fr's Troll & Jass have done such a fine job of getting to that goat of yours.

Lapinbizarre said...

FWIW, the Fr Heron you attempt to hound with a vindictiveness reminiscent of your buddy the Apostle Paul in pre-conversion mode, is a well-loved and respected priest in the communities in which he has served. More, I suspect than can be said of some.

....a wonderfully lively service is led by Fr David Heron, Willington's rector from 1981-95 and now vicar of Dipton and Leadgate, in Derwentside ..... "I asked what part I was playing in the service, they told me all of it," Fr David announces, observing also that St Stephen's always was a welcoming church. "Anybody is welcome in this place.I've been away 12 years and the moment I walked in, someone said 'By you're fat'.Isn't it nice to know you're back among friends."He also tells of a former rector who found a couple in bed, on a mattress, in the bell tower - "I said anyone was welcome here" - and of the telephone call from an American tourist asking if he'd be shooting as usual that night."He said he'd been told by the guide that Willington was the only place in England where the rector climbed the church tower at midnight and fired 12 shots from his rifle."The moral of the story is never to believe all you're told by tour guides."They love him. "You forget how much woomph he brought to the place, " someone says afterwards."

From the Northern Echo, June 16, 2007.

Anonymous said...

I wonder how Prostate Pete's bishop feels about having one of his clergy blogging on the joys of prostate stimulation.

(I also can't help but wonder if they are hesitate to shake hands with him.)

See You Next Tuesday said...

Who knows what part prostate massage plays in the secret rituals of the archdiocese, Anon 1:23.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Enlighten you, My Dirty Little Evangelical? No, that's not possible. You're far too interested in your imagery of smacking Conan Doyle (whose name was not hyphenated, you illiterate fundamentalist).

As for "confusing being able to access browser history with being able to access the cache" - the only perplexity is yours: deleting one so your long-suffering consort doesn’t find where you’ve been obtaining your “research materials” doesn’t clear the latter: Brother Richthofen’s Friend from Seminary is currently rolling on the floor with laughter at your earnest naivety.

Do I seriously think you are so foolish “as to as to not track which site puts which cookies on my browsers?” Yes, I do. Your expertise in cloaking proves it - it’s every bit as effective as your preaching.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

BTW Lapin: I claim complete innocence in relation to anything concerning Prostate Pete's goat. His gerbil, on the other hand... let's just say there's a reason Rev. Proud of Ware isn't proud enough to have any pictures of the dirty little masseur on his parish web site.

Anonymous said...

Do they have Deans in the UK Anglican Church? Deans croon so beautifully and sound even better with an Irish accent.

Dean Martin - A fellow Rat Packer.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

I believe they do, Dean Martin. ALthough nepotism doesn't play nearly as important a role in their appointment as it does in some other far-flung corners of the Communion.

Lapinbizarre said...

Keep getting an error message when I try to access this page. Someone out there playing reindeer games, perchance?

Anonymous said...

This Fr Hugh Jass sounds like a real celebrity in the UK. Does he have his own TV show called 'Real Christianity'? It could catch on because all Christians know...
'Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends'
http://bible.cc/john/15-13.htm

Obviously evangelicals are envious of what he knows and really want to know his secret. The secret of not using the Bible to judge others in terms of our own inadequacies.

From ...Tired of the old boring attempts at Christian humour like...
1.I'd fix that homosexual if I had a knife!
2.She wants to be ordained so she's a leso!
3.I know all about what women want when I've never been in a relationship or a relationship that has worked!
4.At least the woman they ordained isn't an ex divorcee like all the others!
5.When you want to be post-gay marry a naive virgin!
6. I'm sick of women's rights! Who cares if women in the world are the most victimised group. What about my rights as a man. I'm more concerned about women who rape and bash men!
7. All Liberal Anglicans are heretics. They dare to think about their faith and theology, and refuse to be sexist and homophobic bigots!
8. "So my answer to Luke's question is yes - I think it was right at a certain time and place to have the death penalty for sorcery." Sandy Grant
http://www.sydneyanglicans.net/life/daytoday/a_good_question_needing_a_good_answer/
...especially when children are being persecuted by members of their villages for being witches!
http://www.channel4.com/programmes/dispatches/episode-guide/series-8/episode-1/

...and the old jokes just keep rolling on and the Archbishop of Canterbury condones these jokes but censors any other type of comedy.

Disillusioned but enlightened

Anonymous said...

Lapinbizarre
That happened to me once when I tried to post a comment on an Action Aid blog site that was hosted by An Anglican priest in Sydney. The Anglican priest in question wasn't aware of me being blocked. It's called illegal censorship but when evangelicals do it then it's called ETHICS!

Lapinbizarre said...

Omitted "arrogant" as I was cataloguing your virtues, Fr Ould. Apologies.

Anonymous said...

Could this be GAFCON's fundamental interpretation of 'When You Walk Through a Storm'?
This interpretation reminds me of their Biblical echolalia.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nsmN2SxW_Tw

I liked Elvis' better
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPoS5ST6hXk

The King

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

"I think it was right at a certain time and place to have the death penalty for sorcery.
"
This young Sydney Grunt (or whatever his name is) would have a tremendous future ahead of him in Global Conservatism if only he were a member of the Jensen family and thus permitted to travel.

Thank you for bringing him to my attention: I most definitely will be researching him further. It's not often one finds someone whose understanding of the Gospels is as creative as his.

Fr Hugh Jass said...

Lapin
I fear you have not sufficiently addressed Curate Ould's more positive attributes. There must be many countless evangelical churches who would warmly welcome a former-gay minister who writes lovingly about homosexuals and prostates, and who is known internationally as "Prostate Pete". Curate Ould may aspire to have his own parish one day. It would be unfortunate if his Church Wardens were informed that their Vicar was known only for not being gay. I know countless clergy who are not gay, but who never write about it. Nor do they write about the centrality of their scripture-based prostates. It would be APPALLING if we were to inform any future parishioners that their new minister is known in the UK, USA, Australia and South America as a mere figure of former-gay fun.

See You NextTuesday said...

Do goats have prostates, Fr Troll?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Not after the Curate of Ware has finished separating them from the sheep, they don't.

See You Next Tuesday said...

A mental image of "separating the sheep from the goats" that I do not need!

Fr Hugh Jass said...

I notice that the rectum of the Bishop of Durham is on display in London. Do you think Curate Ould should look into this?

http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2010/apr/27/improbable-research-bishop-durham

Lapinbizarre said...

Bishop Hugh Janus?

Lapinbizarre said...

"The Bishop of Durham, Dr N. T. Wright, has announced that he will be retiring from the See of Durham on August 31".

Any chance we will see Fr Jass back in business?

See You Next Tuesday said...

Exhausted by the rigours of travel (absentee bishops of Durham seem to be one of the traditions of the Church that Wright has firmly upheld) and worn down by the incessant flow of importunate emails from the Fabulous Furry Ould Brothers, I imagine.

Anonymous said...

Poor Tom! I guess Prostate Pete offered him a "special" massage just one time too many.

Fr Hugh Jorgan said...

So has anyone seen Prostate Pete lately?

Did he finally disappear into his own bottom?

Fr Hugh Jass said...

That's an Ould joke, Fr Jorgan.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Brother Richthofen's Friend from Seminary tells me the Dirty Little Evangelical and his "Anonymous" defender are busy trying to find someone who won't start laughing when they start explaining "how the internet works".

Or perhaps Prostate Pete has decided laying low might be a better strategy in his campaign for appointment to Durham?

Tell Me the Ould Ould Story said...

Fr Hugh Jorgan? "...a propensity to choose particularly vulgar names as their internet pseudonyms." Shameful & shameless!!

Sister Jenny Tull said...

The behavior of some members this site is shocking!

Buster Cherry said...

I am truly disgusted by you people's propensity to choose particularly vulgar names as your internet pseudonyms.

Ivana Tinkle said...

Such vulgarity!

Fr Hugh Jass said...

As Chaplain of a nearby convent, I see nothing vulgar about this site. Mother Ophelia Teats agrees with me.

Alf Hartigan said...

Quite so, Fr Jass.

Oliver Klozoff said...

Once again, Fr Hugh is correct.

Ben Dover said...

Quite correct, he is.

Anonymous said...

Isn't this so much more fun than posting as "Anonymous"?

Mike Hunt said...

Agreed.

Meg A. Boner said...

I've no idea of what you're talking about.

Phil McCreviss said...

Anybody want to show a prostate a good time?

Brad Evans said...

No, this is just a prophetic ministry!

Anonymous said...

Couldn't agree with you more Brad. I heard the Diocese of Durham is really rockin'and rollin' at present. Must be the new sovereignty! If only Jesus had had access to the internet all those years ago! I'm sure he'd have got a real buzz out of it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6UJZtCz1-c&feature=related

Profit E Roles

Peter Ould-Kween said...

I am reporting the lot of you to former Bishop Tom Wright.

Lapinbizarre said...

You by any chance the same Mike Hunt who ran successfully for sheriff of Aiken County, South Carolina a few years back? Talk about name recognition no money can buy!

Hopes that registration of the Ould-Kween brand-name foreshadows an awaited resurrection.

Anonymous said...

Now that Durham is a buzz with frivolity, someone must alert its folk to the sinister warlord who has turned green with envy at such pleasure. There's every chance that he is plotting some form of penance for those who dare to laugh! It will be justified as righteous salvation and not angry jealousy.
This brings to mind a legend I once heard about a progressive holy man who worked with university students. He tried to encourage these youngsters to THINK about their faith. He did not know that a pair of devious twins were cloistered nearby, recording every word. When the recording was presented out of context, to this man's superior, the holy man was sacked. I can't seem to recall who got the job. A job for the boys obviously, as women were immaterial back then! This legend is often told throughout parts of Australia, the way some Dreamtime stories are passed down by elders to the younger geneations.
The moral to the story...
ASIO's surveillance equipment is quite sophisticated nowdays.

I'm dreamin'.

Anita Hoare said...

What egregious filth!

Pudence Merkin (Miss.) said...

I've been a regular reader of this blog for over eighty years and I can certainly say I have never once failed to be disgusted but the disrespectfulness shown towards Peter Ould and his prostate.

This latest flurry of comments by so-called Christians with smutty names has simply taken things too far, and I have raised the matter with my Vicar, the Rev. Rod O’Steele, who has promised to discuss the problem with Bishop Nazir-Ali next time they meet at the opening of an envelope.

Till then you can all be sure that I will be checking back at least several times each day to keep a close eye on the filth and debauchery. If any of you would care to include photographs and/or your physical measurements in your comments I would in the interim be extremely grateful.

Yours sincerely,
Prudence Merkin (Miss.)

Dobby Ould-Straight said...

You guys had better stop mocking my identical sibling who is often mistaken for me. I wish to make clear I have never preached on the biblical significance of my prostate, and I have never been gay. If you fail to stop mocking us, I shall report you to Peter Jensen who has appointed himself Archbishop of Canterbury. Any similarity between myself and my former gay brother's prostate is entirely biological. You have been warned.

Sofonda Peters said...

You tell 'im, Dobby. It's time to take a stand against these revisionists with their dirty names!

Anonymous said...

ca·thar·tic [ kÉ™ thrtik ]


adjective

Definition:

1. purifying: producing a feeling of being purified emotionally, spiritually, or psychologically as a result of an intense emotional experience or therapeutic technique
a film that had a truly cathartic effect on me


2. having purgative effect on bowels: describes a medicine that causes emptying of the bowels


http://encarta.msn.com/dictionary_1861595483_1861595466/prevpage.html

What...people in the UK never knew what Sydney siders took for granted; that censorship by any means and not freedom of sppech is the only right in a democracy?

Dr Di Ho Reah.