Sunday, January 16, 2011

He's back...

Sinners everywhere will be rejoicing to learn that I have now returned, refreshed and ready for another year of Biblical teaching and Condemnation. At some point during our parish celebrations to mark the Feast of St. Rasputin (n.b. Does anyone think Metropolitan Jonah would appreciate an invitation to be our next guest of honor? After all Jonah and St. Rasputin are both Russian – ok... well actually Grigori was born in Siberia, and Jonah in Illinois, but this time of year there’s not that much difference between the two, and they both have crazy looking beards) a couple of mindless Nazi bureaucrats friendly representatives from the Department of Homeland Security dropped by to discuss my Christmas gift to the happy cave-dwelling mountain folk to whom Evangelical Eric had been called to serve in a missionary position.

Obviously what had occurred was all a simple misunderstanding, since the same folk who so accurately predicted the end of the Cold War and who gave everyone advance notice of the 9/11 attacks couldn’t possibly be wrong. Still, given the situation Lynne Stewart currently finds herself in it seemed better to stay on the safe side of people capable of deciding the cost of building a virtual south-west border fence was too great after spending $1 billion. Consequently I hastily struck a creative deal involving perjury and the personal details of several Viagraville regulars - as little David Ould demonstrates, there’s nothing wrong with telling lies to help advance one’s own cause.

After which it seemed prudent to depart post-haste to the ends of the earth (is there any country ending in “stan” not a basket case?) and bring my erstwhile Curate back from the mission field. And I can’t stress enough how charming the wild and woolly tribesman proved to be. Like any Conservative Christian I’ve always kept my contact with foreigners to a minimum, and yet there’s no denying God must feel something towards them. Otherwise He wouldn’t have given His Son a Latino name.

Indeed, the more I bargained for the foolish lad’s return the more obvious their similarities with Sinners like yourselves – or even with Saved Christians like me. Certainly some of their finer doctrinal points are clearly ludicrous: for example they believe that God’s ultimate Scriptural revelation was in Arabic to a man named Mohammed (even God would have a hard time finding someone not called Mohammed in those parts of the world), when everybody knows science has proven it was given to King James in English. Yet when it comes to hating women and homosexualists they’re right up there with David Virtue, or any of the better known members of the Jensen family. Even if an old man couldn't stop chortling whenever Bishop Quinine said "Lawrence of Arabia".

Consequently we all got along wonderfully, even if I’m afraid my wanting to relieve them of Eric wasn’t much of a witness. Although technically their hostage, I’m afraid even dangerous terrorists find having an Evangelical Curate in their midst exhausting. While eventually able to negotiate a substantial sum in return for taking him away, the resulting impression upon my heathen friends was that westerners must be collectively stupid for tolerating treasonous clowns him in their midst. At which point I thought it tactful to not mention Sarah Palin.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

4 comments :

Fred Schwartz said...

Evangelical Eric: As my police friends often tell me, "Welcome back, assume the position!"

Fahter Christian: To you I simply repeat the old refrain from Billie Holiday:

Them that's got shall get
Them that's not shall lose
So the Bible said and it still is news
Mama may have, Papa may have
But God bless the child
that's got his own
That's got his own

Yes, the strong gets more
While the weak ones fade
Empty pockets don't ever make the grade
Mama may have, Papa may have
But God bless the child
that's got his own
That's got his own

[ Find more Lyrics on http://mp3lyrics.org/aEj ]
Money, you've got lots of friends
Crowding round the door
When you're gone and spending ends
They don't come no more
Rich relations give
Crust of bread and such
You can help yourself
But don't take too much
Mama may have, Papa may have
But God bless the child
that's got his own
That's got his own

Mama may have, Papa may have
But God bless the child
that's got his own
That's got his own
He just worry 'bout nothin'
Cause he's got his own

Fr Orsen Carte said...

It can't have been easy for foreigners to have to tolerate an imbecilic curate in their midst. My thoughts go out to the citizens of Sydneystan who, for years, have had to endure a similar torture from the presence of a "post-straight" deacon.

Anonymous said...

Have you considered hiring Marshall Brown?

I understand that he's on the job market right now.

Anonymous said...

Father give Evangelical Eric this to read and you'll fix him and whatever you do don't let him watch this!