Thursday, January 20, 2011

Taking matters in hand.

As my Beloved Sinners all know, I have for many years been urging Conservative Biblical Christians to get a grip on things and pull themselves together. Sadly two faux-Nigerian brethren at Truro Church were taking my teaching just a bit too literally, with the result that from now on they’ll both now have to pay for their own internet access when enjoying a little one-handed research into other people’s sinfulness. Which mightn’t be easy: finding a job is difficult these days, and for reasons I’ve never fully comprehended having “Masturbating Minister” on one’s CV just doesn’t inspire prospective employers the way it ought to.

Harsh as it may seem, little Martyn Minn’s decision to send the ornery onanists packing was the only available option, since Scripture plainly teaches that looking at rudey-pics and getting caught (please note the emphasis) is the only sin for which there can be no forgiveness. Our Lord’s words in Matthew 12:31 reveal Him mistakenly revering to the unforgivable sin as “blasphemy against the Holy Ghost”, but that’s only because He lacked the sophisticated Biblical understanding of today’s Conservatives. The plain meaning of His intention is obvious to any scholar not prepared to be sidetracked by arguments that the Gospel isn’t all about sex, and Layman Minns has once again shamed apostate Episcopalians with his decisive commitment to kicking those who have already fallen.

It is important to note, however, that a diligent exegesis of the passage leaves no question about the fact that action is only required if the matter is made public. Let’s face it, there isn’t a man in ministry (other than myself, of course) who hasn’t at some point in his life twisted one off while looking at something naughty-but-strangely-exciting. Little Bobbie Duncan, Donald Harvey, Jack Iker - it’s a certain bet that every one of them has at some time in their life danced the palm-polka with a nudie pic of someone. Or perhaps something, but please don’t meditate upon the details – all the bleach in world won’t be able to remove that stain from your mind’s eye.

Consequently if the act alone was all it took to disqualify a man from ministry the only Christian witnesses left would be myself and a few other convincing liars. And perhaps James Dobson, although I personally have always considered that story about him beating the dachshund is actually a euphemism for something else. They’ve all done it, but what they haven’t done is get caught. Which makes all the difference.

Indeed, if word should ever get out that Clergy are every bit as human as the next person, and that even the most dignified and respectable leader experiences the occasional yearning to play an improvisational melody on their trouser organ, then all our high moral ground would be irreversibly cut out from beneath us. No longer could we embarrass and shame young men far more intelligent than ourselves into submission. Bullying and demeaning those less powerful than ourselves would become next to impossible: every time we opened our mouths to pontificate someone might remember we’re subject to exactly the same foibles, urges, and enjoyments as everyone else, and before you know it a ripple of snickering would render the bubble of our gloriously pompous dignity forever burst…

… and then if that happened people might start realizing that we’re all just trying to get by as best we can, and criticizing another on account of their sexual complexity is as stupid as pretending any of us really understands our own. God only knows where that might lead…

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

13 comments :

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Wait! There must be a mistake! +Pete Akinola assures us there are no Masterbating Masturbaters or haters in Nigeria--nor none of most anything else other than a few million pristine anglican holyfolk who have neither dabbled in corruption (vertical and missionary) or done none anything but play nice-nice in the broad day light for the U.S. moneymen/bogeymen and related poaching craigslist/crazets and agents thereof.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Sorry Leonardo: something tells me that deep down you already know this - but even Big Pete himself has on occasion polished his sceptre. And wouldn't the world be a nicer place for everyone if that was the worst thing he'd done when he thought nobody's watching?

Fr Orsen Carte said...

I have searched in vain for a report of this pornographer at Viagraville, but no one seems interested in the wicked sins of "conservative" clergy. Surely, it is not just 'liberals' who fondle their prostates. Thankfully, the brother of Prostate Pete has an article on gay sex to tickle everyone's fancy.
http://www.standfirminfaith.com/?/sf/page/27147

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Sorry Leonardo: something tells me that deep down you already know this - but even Big Pete himself has on occasion polished his sceptre.¨ Dr. Troll

What a revolting development this is! Naturally, I use denial whenever possible prior to breakfast--denial is so handy, so practical and so multi-purpose--just ask the old deadly +jackass himself!

Anonymous said...

Dear Rev. Dr. Christian,

I imagine that you felt that this quote from your colleage the Very Most Reverent Martyn Minns was best left alone, but whatever could he mean?

"Part of my thing now is to dig deeper," Minns said.

He is launching an investigation into what happened and whether Brown should be stripped of his priestly credentials."

Is this heading in a good direction? I think they need your counsel, sir.

Jim said...

Mr. Minns does not say that this individual has been in any way inhibited. Does that imply as I think it does that he remains a pseudo-priest in a pseudo-church under the jurisdiction of a pseudo-bishop while that worthy "digs deeper?"

What dear father is your assessment?

FWIW
jimB

Hermano David | Brother Dah • veed said...

It appears good Father in God, that those Anglican clergy swimming the Tiber who are married may also be confronted with greater light being shed on the fact that they are not to have sexual relations with their lawfully wedded wives! Some may now choose not to even dip a toe into the rivers flow.

http://www.liturgy.co.nz/blog/no-sex-please-we%E2%80%99re-clergy/5079

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

I was indeed wondering whether to explore the notion of little Mr. Minns' digging. My feeling is that it will involve a obtaining a full and frank disclosure of all the sites visited, including all relevant usernames and passwords. And a notes pertaining to any especially interesting bits not to be missed.

As for his use of the word "stripped" in this context, the name "Freud" keeps springing to mind...

David and John said...

"a pseudo-priest in a pseudo-church under the jurisdiction of a pseudo-bishop"

The realization of this fact is what really makes the whole thing rather silly. This might be a non-story, were it not that all this "scepture polishing" was going on in the "Holier-Than-Most Pesudo-Anglican" church.

Anonymous said...

And what of poor Jack Iker, who will not even have a scepter left to polish, once the courts are through with him?

Bruce said...

ooops typo!
Thanks for the vocabulary expansion, Father. In the Virginia context, I'm wondering if spanking is in order? But then again, they might like it too much.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Little Brad, my son - I'm bitterly disappointed in you. I write a brilliant post with more references to masturbation than a Rick Warren sermon, and you take a whole six days to respond! And then when you finally do, your rant contains not so much as a single reference to vestments or clerical sexuality. It's pathetic my boy, and you know it.

If you're not prepared to make an effort when spouting your mindless drivel I'll personally make sure Matron takes away your internet access. And then what will you do for a social life, eh?