Taking matters in hand.

As my Beloved Sinners all know, I have for many years been urging Conservative Biblical Christians to get a grip on things and pull themselves together. Sadly two faux-Nigerian brethren at Truro Church were taking my teaching just a bit too literally, with the result that from now on they’ll both now have to pay for their own internet access when enjoying a little one-handed research into other people’s sinfulness. Which mightn’t be easy: finding a job is difficult these days, and for reasons I’ve never fully comprehended having “Masturbating Minister” on one’s CV just doesn’t inspire prospective employers the way it ought to.

Harsh as it may seem, little Martyn Minn’s decision to send the ornery onanists packing was the only available option, since Scripture plainly teaches that looking at rudey-pics and getting caught (please note the emphasis) is the only sin for which there can be no forgiveness. Our Lord’s words in Matthew 12:31 reveal Him mistakenly revering to the unforgivable sin as “blasphemy against the Holy Ghost”, but that’s only because He lacked the sophisticated Biblical understanding of today’s Conservatives. The plain meaning of His intention is obvious to any scholar not prepared to be sidetracked by arguments that the Gospel isn’t all about sex, and Layman Minns has once again shamed apostate Episcopalians with his decisive commitment to kicking those who have already fallen.

It is important to note, however, that a diligent exegesis of the passage leaves no question about the fact that action is only required if the matter is made public. Let’s face it, there isn’t a man in ministry (other than myself, of course) who hasn’t at some point in his life twisted one off while looking at something naughty-but-strangely-exciting. Little Bobbie Duncan, Donald Harvey, Jack Iker - it’s a certain bet that every one of them has at some time in their life danced the palm-polka with a nudie pic of someone. Or perhaps something, but please don’t meditate upon the details – all the bleach in world won’t be able to remove that stain from your mind’s eye.

Consequently if the act alone was all it took to disqualify a man from ministry the only Christian witnesses left would be myself and a few other convincing liars. And perhaps James Dobson, although I personally have always considered that story about him beating the dachshund is actually a euphemism for something else. They’ve all done it, but what they haven’t done is get caught. Which makes all the difference.

Indeed, if word should ever get out that Clergy are every bit as human as the next person, and that even the most dignified and respectable leader experiences the occasional yearning to play an improvisational melody on their trouser organ, then all our high moral ground would be irreversibly cut out from beneath us. No longer could we embarrass and shame young men far more intelligent than ourselves into submission. Bullying and demeaning those less powerful than ourselves would become next to impossible: every time we opened our mouths to pontificate someone might remember we’re subject to exactly the same foibles, urges, and enjoyments as everyone else, and before you know it a ripple of snickering would render the bubble of our gloriously pompous dignity forever burst…

… and then if that happened people might start realizing that we’re all just trying to get by as best we can, and criticizing another on account of their sexual complexity is as stupid as pretending any of us really understands our own. God only knows where that might lead…

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.