Don't worry: vote happy.

Not too much longer to wait now, and America will once more have a born-again Bible-believing Orthodox Conservative President in the White House. Certainly I know Miserable Liberals like little Matt Kennedy are predicting the worst, but that just stems back to the same problem Liberals have with everything - they just don’t read the Scriptures correctly. Phillipians 4:4, for example, makes it clear that Christians are to “Rejoice in the Lord always.” That’s right – it says “Rejoice”. Not mope around like Donald Trump’s hairstyle in a sauna, but “Rejoice”. Which last time I looked at Wiktionary means something along the lines of “Be happy.” Although it also says the word is derived from French, so I’m not too sure why Paul was using it, or how God could have considered it appropriate for his Sinless Bible which died on the cross to save Us, but let’s leave that for another time just now.

So, having established that true Christians are called to rejoice, we must also remember that God has also promised to ”keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast” – a passage which unquestionably applies to me, and quite possibly you also providing you sincerely believe as I do. And let’s face it: how could Righteous Christians possibly rejoice if they knew Obamacare - which is in sharp contrast to everything a Clergyman who makes a fortune on the side by contracting to the County for pauper’s funerals stands for – wasn’t going to be repealed by the next administration? How could God keep a man of My Righteousness “in perfect peace” if I knew that poor people will continue receiving life-prolonging medical care they can’t possibly afford? Or what about the fortune I accumulated through buying up properties seized as result of the former owners’ inability to pay their hospital bills? God knows full well that medical debts used to account for 62% of all U.S. personal bankruptcies (you’d better believe I’ve reminded Him of this at every Parish prayer meeting), so it’s not as if He can just claim to have forgotten the importance of ensuring a continued supply of bargains for Doctrinally-sound Believers blessed with the capacity to take advantage of others’ misfortune.

No, My Beloved Sinners, I refuse to believe that god’s Word would personally instruct Me to be happy if this sort of outrage was just around the corner. Call me old-fashioned, but if America’s founding fathers had wanted us to enjoy a fair and equitable health system they’d have called us Canada. Or New Zealand, Great Britain, Switzerland, Sweden, Germany, Denmark, Australia, Finland, Holland, Belgium, Lichtenstein or one of those other god-forsaken hell-holes not enjoying an infant mortality rate somewhere in the middle of a whole lot of nations with names ending in “stan”. Which why you can all be sure that come this Tuesday I’ll be proudly voting for Romney as many times as I can get away with.

Nor do I want any nit-picking so-called “Christians” sending me any more emails about Mitt “not really being one of us” on account of his Mormon inclinations. I’ve conducted no small amount of research on this topic, and can categorically state that these days the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is 100% doctrinally sound. Certainly I’ll agree that its teachings differ a tiny bit to those of denominations not convinced that after His resurrection Jesus spent a little chill-out time in Pennsylvania, Ohio, and upstate New York, but any unbiased Bible-believer will have to agree that these amount to nothing more than theological minutiae: Mormons have additional scriptures, reject the Trinity, practice baptism of the dead, claim special underwear brings one closer to God (and no, Beloved Sinners the said undergarments are emphatically not made of latex, PVC, or leather. Nor satin, naugahyde or fun-fur), and advocate a Christology which in more forgiving times normally resulted in proponents being burnt at the stake – all mere trivia in comparison to the meat at the heart of Christian Orthodoxy.

Indeed; when it comes to the theological rubber hitting consortium-owned highway Billy Graham is completely justified in giving the Biblical all clear to Joseph Smiths most talented spiritual progeny since the Osmonds. After all, as a Mormon Romney doesn’t like homos, so he can obviously say the 39 Articles and any of the historical creeds without crossing his fingers. He’s part of a church with more Bishops (all of whom have penises) than a convention of schismatic Anglicans (so there’s nothing heterodox about his ecclesiology), and which takes tithing so seriously it makes Pentecostals look laid-back about money. Nor should we ever forget that as a Mormon Mitt Romney brings the weight of his church’s history to the fight for traditional marriage.

None of which must for a moment, of course, be construed as implying Mormons are saved. Obviously they can’t be – what kind of a place does anyone think Heaven would be if they let people who won’t drink beer and coffee? Yet it’s more than just his religion that makes Romney any Orthodox Christian’s only choice: it’s also his money.

That’s right: for too long the only countries with leaders stashing away millions in Swiss bank accounts and the Cayman Islands have been places like Iraq, Libya, and African nations so psychotic not even GAFCON bishops appreciate them being mentioned. Whilst Haiti’s Duvaliers and Panama’s Noriega were busy hiding fortunes, America’s leaders were doing nothing more impressive than bungling hotel break-ins or leaving stains on an intern’s now famous blue dress. With this kind of inattention to detail on the part of our Presidents is it any wonder the U.S. is now in only fourth place on the list of countries which execute people? (Although you’ll be glad to know America does still lead the world when it comes to incarcerating citizens, which not only proves how well the war on drugs is working, but also how successful a century of fundamentalism has been when it comes to transforming the hearts and lives of ordinary Americans.) But now with Mitt Romney having been sent to us by god (or at least someone qualified to give His more outspoken representatives advice on tax-avoidance) America will have a leader whose fascinating personal finances are every bit as inspiring as anything Gaddafi ever came up with.

And if that doesn’t get you out to vote on Tuesday not even I can do anything to redeem your seared conscience.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.