Almighty Lord; our Father, Mother and Redeemer:
You know the hearts and other organs of all people, and have done so long before digital cameras or even Polaroids were invented. In your infinite wisdom you have chosen to grant some of your sons an extra few inches more than others, and we pray today that all your children may come to accept this with peace, realising that not only is it not the wand, but rather the magician on the end of it. Further, we beseech that you might in your Great Mercy lead all those attempting to compensate for any longitudinal deficiencies – imaginary and otherwise - to express their dissatisfaction in a more effective manner than by espousing judgemental unchristian doctrines constantly threatening to thump whatever it they’ve got on everyone else’s altar.
In asking this we pray especially for Fr. Matt Kennedy and his fellow liberals at Stand Firm. Like bullies throughout history have always done, they are currently attacking those who have given most in your service, and who are least willing or able to fight back. Please in your mercy show them that it matters not whether a man be hung like a donkey, or endures the cruel-but-aptly-named medical condition Micropenis, or even as a result of birth or some unfortunate accident with an angle grinder happens to have no penis whatsoever – the test by which You, Our Lord and Saviour, made clear we should be identified is one of Love, not phallic theology.
By Your Spirit grant that we might all find the freedom to rejoice in whatever each of us has been given, and in so doing get on with the more important tasks facing us all in these difficult times. And please restrain Father Christian from sending anymore scans of his own organ to Stand Firm with messages saying things like “So you want to see what this does when he’s angry, do you liberals?”. And also please don’t let Consuella find out about the hostile sounding woman who keeps responding to Father’s emails with requests that he “come around and help a bad girl with some home schooling” or else there’ll really be trouble in the Communion.
*International Penile Insecurity Awareness Day