Saturday, November 15, 2008

The Obscene Post.

Something Jesus made perfectly clear during those brief moments when he wasn’t condemning Sodomy, expounding upon the evils of Masturbation, or explaining why the Ordination of women is an Abomination, was that it’s a bad thing if people speak well of you - ”Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! For so did their fathers to the false prophets.”

Accordingly I have always found great comfort in being attacked and criticized by those envious of my ministry: more than anything else does their moaning confirm my own righteousness. Even better, experience has shown that the more offensive my teaching is, the higher the day’s hit-rate. The more unbelievers claim that I’ve insulted and disgusted them, the more they drop by to read my latest message from the Scriptures.

There’s nothing new in this: it’s a principle entertainers like The Jerky Boys, Carlos Mencia, and David Virtue have exploited for years. Consequently I’ve decided to really boost the readership by gratuitously presenting the following list of obscenities:

  • preventable infant mortality
  • child abuse cover-ups
  • domestic violence
  • escalating adolescent suicide rates
  • discrimination
  • unaffordable health care
  • war

How’s that for starters? Every conservative blogger on the planet should now be contacting my Bishop to complain about the bad language I’ve just used, and my hit-rate should be higher than one of those nudist sites evangelicals never like to admit they visit. After all, words don’t get any fouler than these, do they?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

6 comments :

Robert said...

Keep proclaiming the word Fr. Christian. You are an inspiration to the rest of us lesser mortals.

Doorman-Priest said...

I notice you didn't mention Lay Presidency. Is that deliberate or do you, in fact support it?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

My dear man - even I have some depths to which I wil not descend.

Two Cents said...

MASTURBATION IS EVIL ??????? Chapter and verse please, CHAPTER AND VERSE !!!!!!!!

Revd Dr Chris Sudsoap said...

Genesis 38 v9 "Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground"
Disgusting!

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

I've always considered the sordid account of Onan to be a unmistakable warning as to the importance of always keeping a box of tissues handy, since the passage makes it clear God cannot abide it getting spilled all over the ground - or worse still, should one happen to be indoors, the carpet.

As for less obscure references monosexuality in Scripture, Two Cents we both know there aren't any - but since it's one of the best ways ever of inducing guilt in those whom we wish to manipulate, true GAFCON clergy keep quiet about Our Lord's failure to include a good old-fashioned condemnation of the sacrament of self-soothing in the Bible, and instead just prefer to act as if it's in there somewhere. After all, most people - particularly the young and insecure - are simply too embarrassed to challenge us on this one... which does wonders when it comes to keeping our youth fellowships in line.