If the Good Lord hadn’t intended us to depilate He wouldn’t have given us pubic hair. Hairy legs might be esteemed in Baptist circles, and it’s all very well for Pentecostals to take pride looking like something Jane Goodall studies, but Bible-believing Christians know that God likes smooth people more than hairy ones
After all, Malachi 1:2-3 makes it so clear that even a non-schismatic Episcopalian should be able to understand that God hated Esau, but loved Jacob. And what difference was there between the two half-brothers? Simply this: Esau was hairy, but Jacob was smooth!
Which is, of course, why Big Pete Akinola is serious about showing conservative homophobes want to ensure not a single rippling curve of bare skin anywhere remains hirsute: in a a bold address to the Nigerian Standing Committee (whom I have no doubt stand up to Big Pete all the time) he arousingly asserted “GAFCON continues to wax stronger”.
Notice if you will, my dear sinners, the caring solidarity with fellow two-thirds world Christians; Big Pete didn’t refer to such decadent western methods of hair removal as laser treatment, or shaving with expensive and environmentally unsound disposable razors. No, for the true Christian there’s nothing quite like using hot wax to painfully rip the little blighters from their roots (especially when it’s happening to someone else), and the Ayatollah of Abujah makes no compromises for the faint of heart. GAFCON’s waxing stronger, and the world’s epidermis shall soon stand naked before God in judgement.
Incidentally, should any of you, like me, actually take the time to read Big Pete’s little serenade (some of us really do have too much spare time on our hands), you'll note that in the first two paragraphs he explains that the ideas presented first came to him while “intently” watching a “a field packed full of young able-bodied youths playing football”. He really is a man of great righteousness, isn’t he? After all, isn’t waxing the first thing everyones’s mind drifts to when dreamily gazing upon firm virile sportsman?
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.