Sunday, March 22, 2009

A Sectarian Interlude...

Like all Romans, Pope Benedict XXX is undoubtedly on intimate terms with the Antichrist, but that doesn’t mean he’s not capable of the occasional intelligent Christian observation. Since returning from my recent absence I’ve been flat-out catching-up with everything, and so I know it’s taken me a while to get around to paying little Ratsfinger due credit, but in noting that condoms exacerbate the Aids epidemic he’s certainly set a new standard when it comes to common sense.

After all, it’s a fact that I never even thought of sex until a tiny (well quite large, actually) layer of latex was placed over the organ I these days insist people refer to as “The Sceptre of St. Onuphrius” (although “the two-edged sword” is also acceptable, having a curiously arousing Pauline ring about it). Nor did the Roman church ever have to worry about people indulging in an impure jiggy-jig until the devil’s little rain-coats became widely available: back in St. Augustine’s day nobody even thought of doing anything other than studying the works of Aquinas when clandestinely meeting in a public lavatory while taking their dogs for a walk.

No, my dear sinners: responsibility for the HIV/Aids tragedy rests entirely with those seeking to curb viral transmission by preventing the exchange of bodily fluids. Just the same way that a walk through any 19th century cemetery will soon show how immunisation has led to a massive rise in infant mortality from diphtheria, whooping cough and polio. Or how abandoning the noble medieval practice of emptying bed pans onto the footpath outside one’s house has resulted in appalling increase in the frequency of cholera and typhoid outbreaks.

For that matter, nobody ever worried about climate change back in the days when people believed the earth flat. This is a point on which the esteemed pioneer Nuclear Psychiatrist, Dr. Harrisburg (who resides, I am proud to say, in a lead-lined bunker not far from Ichabod Springs, and in whose glowing hands my own radiantly superior mental health rests secure), is fond of making: if there was no globe we wouldn’t have to worry about global warming. So you see that this whole environment disaster thing all comes down to another Catholic opening his mouth: Columbus. And if Pasteur (who was probably also a Catholic) hadn’t gone public with his theory of illness being caused by microbes there’d be an honest dollar to be made in Africa (or anywhere else HIV/Aids occurs) by people on both sides of the reformation selling amulets and holy water. Or is that what Benny was doing anyway?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

5 comments :

Anonymous said...

Oh Father Christian Troll, I have longed for your wisdom regarding the muddled mixing of mischief down in Africa...tell us, of wise one, have you discussed the most recent outbreak of ¨Big Man¨ (ness) at the Nigerian and Ugandan Communion? I must say that I do admired defeated thugs who are so, shall I say, plain stupid, that they still continue to carry-on as if they read The Power of Positive Thinking and understood it. Obviously those who are dabbling in creative ministries exported abroad (to the U.S. and Canada) have been instructed to play even great of PRETEND, for gain, than ever before...what ought we call it, BLOCK THAT KICK? As every, really devoted person knows, you can´t steal stuff and act like you found it by accident and then refuse to give it back...oye, these blowhards are hardheaded...the Big Men in Africa could learn a couple of things about Hardheadedness from you!

Blessings of many.

Elbert

Father David Heron said...

Dr Harrisburg may be able to explain what genetic defect produces gay people. As you know, Dr Troll, they are largely responsible for introducing AIDS to God's earth. I have a theory that many of them are attracted to the Anglican and RC Churches. Would it not be sensible to close down these organisations? That way, gay people would disappear along with AIDS and we could all obey Holy Benny's teaching.

MadPriest said...

I have a question, Father, concerning something in the chain of events that I can't quite work out.

We are told, by those atheist scientists, that the HIV virus jumped from monkeys to humans sometime in the middle of the last century.

But monkeys don't wear condoms.

So if the HIV virus is spread by the wearing of condoms, and monkeys don't wear condoms, how did it manage to spread in the first place?

I realise this is a stupid question, but the reason God has placed you among us is to answer the questions of his more ignorant sheep.

Wade McClay said...

Mad Priest,

In case the very busy Father Christian doesn't get to it, I believe the Pope has spoken Ex Catheter on this point.

It seems the Monkey had been joined in matrimony to a human, possibly by a social-Darwinist Minister. It was the HUMAN who was wearing the condom. There can be NO DOUBT, condoms WERE to blame!

Doorman-Priest said...

I understand you can catch HIV without wearing a condom - by talking about it at middle-class dinner parties.