Like all Romans, Pope Benedict XXX is undoubtedly on intimate terms with the Antichrist, but that doesn’t mean he’s not capable of the occasional intelligent Christian observation. Since returning from my recent absence I’ve been flat-out catching-up with everything, and so I know it’s taken me a while to get around to paying little Ratsfinger due credit, but in noting that condoms exacerbate the Aids epidemic he’s certainly set a new standard when it comes to common sense.
After all, it’s a fact that I never even thought of sex until a tiny (well quite large, actually) layer of latex was placed over the organ I these days insist people refer to as “The Sceptre of St. Onuphrius” (although “the two-edged sword” is also acceptable, having a curiously arousing Pauline ring about it). Nor did the Roman church ever have to worry about people indulging in an impure jiggy-jig until the devil’s little rain-coats became widely available: back in St. Augustine’s day nobody even thought of doing anything other than studying the works of Aquinas when clandestinely meeting in a public lavatory while taking their dogs for a walk.
No, my dear sinners: responsibility for the HIV/Aids tragedy rests entirely with those seeking to curb viral transmission by preventing the exchange of bodily fluids. Just the same way that a walk through any 19th century cemetery will soon show how immunisation has led to a massive rise in infant mortality from diphtheria, whooping cough and polio. Or how abandoning the noble medieval practice of emptying bed pans onto the footpath outside one’s house has resulted in appalling increase in the frequency of cholera and typhoid outbreaks.
For that matter, nobody ever worried about climate change back in the days when people believed the earth flat. This is a point on which the esteemed pioneer Nuclear Psychiatrist, Dr. Harrisburg (who resides, I am proud to say, in a lead-lined bunker not far from Ichabod Springs, and in whose glowing hands my own radiantly superior mental health rests secure), is fond of making: if there was no globe we wouldn’t have to worry about global warming. So you see that this whole environment disaster thing all comes down to another Catholic opening his mouth: Columbus. And if Pasteur (who was probably also a Catholic) hadn’t gone public with his theory of illness being caused by microbes there’d be an honest dollar to be made in Africa (or anywhere else HIV/Aids occurs) by people on both sides of the reformation selling amulets and holy water. Or is that what Benny was doing anyway?
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.