Voices from the Anglican Future.

Every Christian knows Nigeria is a land of peace, prosperity, and probity – even if the subject “Corruption in Nigera” does rate its own Wikipedia entry. That’s why Big Pete Akinola was so generously given real estate and a Mercedes Benz when he retired, and why God has cursed the faithless west with stable government and the rule of law, while blessing Biblical Spirituality’s heartland with blackouts and genital mutilation.

Even though little Archbishop Orombi and his fellow Ugandan thugs Ministers with Machetes have been doing their best to prove there’s no shortage of powerful and dangerous psychotics left in the nation who brought us the Last King of Scotland, an article in The Sun (Nigeria’s “Voice of the Nation”) shows there’s no need for Martyn Minns to re-realign just yet.

Read it for yourselves, My Beloved Sinners, but be warned: the “article’ is entitled “If your child is gay?”, and if you’re inclined to suffer from a weak stomach it’d probably be better if you just Googled “dismembered corpse porn” and clicked “View images”. Because you’d better believe me when I say it ain’t pretty.

Let's start with Funmi, whose advice to parents commences with “Beating alone cannot solve the problem. ” Or how about Lynda, who sees homosexuality as “a sign of the endtime”; so i guess we should assume Alexander the Great and Leonardo da Vinci were just a case of God getting some early rehearsals for the Parousia. Lynda's caring and reasoned approach – perhaps inspired by the same gift of spiritual discernment that has brought her country to the forefront of the relentless war against child witches - serves as a lesson to mothers everywhere: “The child should be committed to God Almighty for total deliverance, because he’s no doubt possessed with the evil spirit. ”

Meanwhile Joseph gives a fatherly perspective: “I have been hearing of gays, and I regard them as beasts and nothing more.” On a roll, he also continues with an eschatological motif: “It’s one of the signs of the end time. If my child is homosexual, which I know cannot be, I would not mind that he should be disciplined publicly. This would definitely change one or two things in him. After this, we can think of the way out.” If nothing else you’ve got to admire little Joe’s optimism: others of his intellectual capacity would have realized long ago that thinking per se isn’t their strong point. But then again, that kind of self-awareness never helped anyone get a purple shirt in the world of Conservative Global Anglicanism.

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

F-Stop Blues.

They say a picture paints a thousand words, but in Archbishop Williams’ case the sweet little snap taken as a memento of his recent Ugandan junket is more like an entire novel. Albeit one by Harold Robbins lying in the bargain-basket of a very seedy second-hand book-store.

After all, he is the great grand pooh-bah of all things Anglican, and as such I can well understand him feeling an obligation to visit all his flock – including those members of the Communion who are the equivalent of that uncle in your own family who served time for indecently exposure, and who can never get it into his head that nobody is listening admiringly when he boasts about having been inducted into the Klan. Still, just as a little discretion goes a long way when purchasing the latest copy of Hustler, having one’s picture taken with someone who’s famous for insulting the good folk who pay a great many of one’s bills is just plain foolish.

Nor can it be argued that His Cantaurness was unaware little Bobby Duncan was sitting just five warm prelate posteriors away; another keepsake doing the rounds shows the pair making the kind of eye-contact usually accompanied by fireworks and Tijuana horns on Love American Style. Which is all well and good from little Bobby’s perspective; as a Conservative Schismatic it’s his job to fly around the world attending talk-fests. A man in his position can’t be expected to work at cleaning up his own back yard – not when it’s so much easier to fly business class and complain about others laboring in their own corner of God’s great garden, and being photographed that close to the Man With The Beard is the pseudo-Anglican kudos-seekers’ equivalent to passive-smoking: the smell isn’t the only thing that’s going to drift in your direction.

Yet a whirlwind blows smoke more ways than just one, and from where most Episcopalians sit it certainly looks like Bobby Duncan wasn’t the only one inhaling. Just as it took me some serious talking to calm everyone down after I was caught by the paparazzi with three jelly-wrestlers and the owner of Europe’s most prestigious flea circus, ++Rowan’s going to have to work awfully hard if he wants the people who bailed out his credit card after Lambeth to forget about this one. And so far the “sheepish silence” routine doesn’t look like getting an ovation from anyone not currently meeting in a rented Seventh Day Adventist hall and trying to pay off the costs incurred in a failed property dispute…

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Retraction and Apology Re: David Ould

On Monday, August 16, 2010 the owner of this blog posted a supposedly satirical piece claiming that the Rev. David Ould, a deacon of the Anglican Diocese of Sydney Australia, was transferring to the fictitious parish of St. Onuphrius’ Ichabod Springs.

Accompanying was photograph purporting to be a likeness of Rev. Ould. This picture was in fact not of the Rev. Ould, but had been taken from a web site featuring images of dangerous criminals charged and convicted of serious felonies, including (but not limited to) causing grievous bodily harm and aggravated sexual offenses against minors.

This notwithstanding, the author and owner of http://gafcon.blogspot.com acknowledges that individual depicted in that photograph suffered deep humiliation as a result of being erroneously depicted as the Rev. Ould and/or as an apologist for one of the most hateful expressions of institutionalized fundamentalism to have ever emerged within the Anglican Communion.

The author responsible unreservedly apologizes to the young man whose image was used, and wishes it to be made absolutely clear that whatever else he may have done, he is not, and never has been, a clergyman in the diocese popularly known as “Mordor”. Nor has he ever acted with absolute disregard for almost two hundred million dollars of his church’s assets; attempted to prevent the transparent disclosure of the same; sought to meddle in the affairs of other churches while hiding the rampant corruption and nepotism in his own; persistently condoned the usage of what would, were it not hiding beneath a cloak of religion, be considered hate-speech (and thus illegal) against other persons on the basis of their gender and/or sexuality. Neither has he ever actively sought to exchange the truth of God for a pharisaic lie.

Besides which, he doesn’t even look as funny as Dobby.

Lessons Matt Kennedy Learned When Attempting Theft - #14

“14. If you do not have an email list including all of your parishioners, establish one and use it at least weekly to send parish news and updates. The updates should include a small section or a paragraph about the lawsuit--letting people know of any new developments--but the overwhelming bulk of the update should be taken up with parish news. A weekly line of communication will be vital in maintaining a sense of community continuity and cohesion should you lose your property.”

Little Matt Kennedy, Viagraville, July 13 2010

This way your people will also get used to relying on your side of the story for news of the mess you’ve got them into, and are less likely to seek more objective reports.

Lessons Matt Kennedy Learned When Attempting Theft - #13

“13. Make friends with the religion reporter or whoever your local paper assigns to follow the story. Always answer the phone. Always call back. Always have something to say both on the record and off. Always speak well of your opponents. Never say “no comment”. Never refuse to answer your phone. Never let them hear you whine, complain or attack the diocese. Let the diocesan press stooge play the role of the offended, entitled, bitter, angry, and intolerant authority figure. And trust me, he/she will. .”

Little Matt Kennedy, Viagraville, July 13 2010

As Bishop Clumber already wisely advised back in the comments to Point 2, only let the world see the real you on “... a website where everyone is basically whining, complaining and attacking the church which gave you the authority to be a pastor! That way it will be lost among the noise.”

Everywhere else you should be as genuine and sincere as a lap-dancer working a room full of Shriners.

My New Curate Announced!

Due to all the important work I’ve been doing in the course of minding everyone else’s business things here at St. Onuphrius’ have been a little neglected as of late, and so it’s taken a little longer than I’d anticipated to choose Evangelical Eric ‘s successor.

Needless to say competition for the position was fierce, although nowhere nearly as fierce as the most promising applicants. Indeed, my initial choice was the gentleman at left, whom by his appearance I naturally took to be a Nigerian Archdeacon. Unfortunately subsequent research revealed he's actually only a lifer in Illinois looking for penpals – unlike Conservative Clergy, whose ignorant bigotries are responsible for the deaths of thousands (if not millions), this elegantly coiffured gentleman has only killed one person, rendering him entirely unsuited for GAFCON ministry.

Consequently I’m delighted to announce little Peter Jensen has accepted my generous offer of shares in Enron and Lehman Brothers in return for his house-elf Deacon Dobby Ould (c’mon – it’s not the worst investment Archbishop Jensen has made during his tenure).

Pictured at right, Dobby has a documented history of lying about his fellow Christians (I’ve been sent hard-copy proof David, so don’t bother with any threats about contacting your attorney), as well as of pretending to be someone of a different theological persuasion and gender in order to make his ridiculous comments appear more credible (ditto, my boy) – in short the cheeky little house-elf has exactly the skills a Conservative parish needs.

I am expecting Dobby to arrive by post (the only mode of travel the Diocese of Sydney can now afford for anyone whose last name isn’t “Jensen”) any day now. In the meantime I’m now accepting offerings towards Evangelical Eric’s Going-Away Fund, the proceeds of which will be used to buy me a lovely new SUV in which I shall generously arrange to have my departing Curate’s pitiful sack of belongings conveyed to the airport.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Lessons Matt Kennedy Learned When Attempting Theft - #12

“12. Blogging also inevitably opens the door for much needed spiritual and material support from sympathetic readers locally and around the world. Let your congregation know about any kind of support you receive. You will be surprised at the boost in morale such news produces.”

Little Matt Kennedy, Viagraville, July 13 2010

What’s more the internet is full of suckers who’d just love to throw a few hard-earneds into the bottomless pit of your self-induced sob story. However there’s no point of becoming a martyr if you’re not surrounded by weeping admirers, so make certain to delete and ban any commenter not displaying the requisite morale-boosting sycophancy.

Something every Christian Minister needs...

It’s not only all of you, My Beloved sinners, who have been learning so much from little Matt Kennedy’s important lessons: even a World Famous Christian such as myself has been blessed with fresh insight into the crucial Conservative task of treating one’s parishioners with as little respect as possible.

His points to have most inspired me are those concerning the vital role of spycraft in Orthodox Ministry (see tips nine and ten), and with these in mind I’ve been spending even more time than usual in preparation for this month’s Vestry meeting. Consequently it was while on a trip to my local discount variety store in search of such latest accoutrements of Biblical Ministry as invisible ink, microdots, and an ultrasonic nausea device that’s less bulky than the Ould twins or David Virtue, that I couldn’t resist purchasing the following:
Unfortunately I still haven't quite worked out how to make it induce the promised convulsions: Bishop Quinine asserts he heard it speaking intelligibly when nobody else was in the room, but since he's been known to make the same claim of Kendall Harmon there's no point taking him seriously. Perhaps if I tie somebody into a chair and make them stare at the blades whirling around and around for hours on end...

... which you've got to admit would be not unlike listening to any of ++Rowan William's more recent pronouncements.

I'm Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

Lessons Matt Kennedy Learned When Attempting Theft - #11

I know our Boy in Binghamton probably jumped the shark at #10, but there's still an ocean of wisdom in the remaining lessons. Or if not an ocean, then a least a puddle of sufficient size to irritate a few fellow conservatives clearly jealous of the success this series has been enjoying...

“11. If you are a blogger or writer and your lawyer lets you, keep blogging and writing. This will expose the diocesan actions to the light of public scrutiny. Be sure to pass everything you publish through your attorney beforehand.”

Little Matt Kennedy, Viagraville, July 13 2010

Remember that it’s not as if you’re paying the attorney’s bills with your own money. Besides, any lawyer grubby enough to have encouraged you to proceed with an unwinnable case will love you for also giving them a chance to “work the file” by racking up even higher earnings in the course of following instructions to peruse your blog dribbles for potential libel, perjury, or contempt.