“14. If you do not have an email list including all of your parishioners, establish one and use it at least weekly to send parish news and updates. The updates should include a small section or a paragraph about the lawsuit--letting people know of any new developments--but the overwhelming bulk of the update should be taken up with parish news. A weekly line of communication will be vital in maintaining a sense of community continuity and cohesion should you lose your property.”This way your people will also get used to relying on your side of the story for news of the mess you’ve got them into, and are less likely to seek more objective reports.
Showing posts with label Little Matt Kennedy's 21 Lessons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Little Matt Kennedy's 21 Lessons. Show all posts
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Lessons Matt Kennedy Learned When Attempting Theft - #14
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Lessons Matt Kennedy Learned When Attempting Theft - #13
“13. Make friends with the religion reporter or whoever your local paper assigns to follow the story. Always answer the phone. Always call back. Always have something to say both on the record and off. Always speak well of your opponents. Never say “no comment”. Never refuse to answer your phone. Never let them hear you whine, complain or attack the diocese. Let the diocesan press stooge play the role of the offended, entitled, bitter, angry, and intolerant authority figure. And trust me, he/she will. .”As Bishop Clumber already wisely advised back in the comments to Point 2, only let the world see the real you on “... a website where everyone is basically whining, complaining and attacking the church which gave you the authority to be a pastor! That way it will be lost among the noise.”
Everywhere else you should be as genuine and sincere as a lap-dancer working a room full of Shriners.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Lessons Matt Kennedy Learned When Attempting Theft - #12
“12. Blogging also inevitably opens the door for much needed spiritual and material support from sympathetic readers locally and around the world. Let your congregation know about any kind of support you receive. You will be surprised at the boost in morale such news produces.”What’s more the internet is full of suckers who’d just love to throw a few hard-earneds into the bottomless pit of your self-induced sob story. However there’s no point of becoming a martyr if you’re not surrounded by weeping admirers, so make certain to delete and ban any commenter not displaying the requisite morale-boosting sycophancy.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Lessons Matt Kennedy Learned When Attempting Theft - #11
I know our Boy in Binghamton probably jumped the shark at #10, but there's still an ocean of wisdom in the remaining lessons. Or if not an ocean, then a least a puddle of sufficient size to irritate a few fellow conservatives clearly jealous of the success this series has been enjoying...
“11. If you are a blogger or writer and your lawyer lets you, keep blogging and writing. This will expose the diocesan actions to the light of public scrutiny. Be sure to pass everything you publish through your attorney beforehand.”Remember that it’s not as if you’re paying the attorney’s bills with your own money. Besides, any lawyer grubby enough to have encouraged you to proceed with an unwinnable case will love you for also giving them a chance to “work the file” by racking up even higher earnings in the course of following instructions to peruse your blog dribbles for potential libel, perjury, or contempt.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Not even I could have made this one up (Matt Kennedy #10).
“10. If you suspect a diocesan spy on your vestry, say nothing you do not want the diocese to know. Be nice. Make no accusations. Do some careful investigating. If the evidence shows your suspicions to be correct, decide whether it is best to expose him/her publicly or turn the situation to your advantage. Spies can be very helpful if given the right kind of information. If you choose to expose the spy, be sure you have the evidence nailed down. Say nothing until you do. .”Mmmmmmmm.
Double Mmmmmmmm.
It’s probably also better you don’t say anything about your persistent (and strangely exciting) urge to wear a secret-counter-agent Mata Hari costume.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Lessons Matt Kennedy Learned When Attempting Theft - #9
(We’re reaching my favorites now, Beloved Sinners!)
“9. Be careful for spies in your congregation. If you have a parishioner who is angry and disgruntled and yet for some inexplicable reason continues to attend services and meetings--especially if said parishioner suddenly stops complaining--beware. Do not say anything in public that you do not want the diocese to know.”After all: the idea that someone might wish to remain a part of the spiritual community they joined long before you came on the scene is ludicrous. As is the idea that anyone has a right to think differently to the way they've been told to. You are the church, so if they don’t agree with you they’ve no business staying. And wearing a little hat made of tinfoil will stop those evil Episcopalian mind-scanners from reading your inner-most thoughts - especially those bothersome ones which suggest you’re growing paranoid.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Lessons Matt Kennedy Learned When Attempting Theft - #8
“8. Should you have a “spirit filled” person on the vestry who argues that strategic planning for various eventualities, including defeat, is faithless; that Christians should trust God and expect and plan only for victory, do not listen. You will be very sorry if you do. Trust God to provide everything that you need every step of the way and recognize that his grace often operates in and through the careful deliberation and planning of the leaders he has appointed.”As every schismatic should know by now, if God’s track record in these church property theft cases is anything to go by you’re better off trusting someone more sympathetic to your own interests. Like yourself.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Lessons Matt Kennedy Learned When Attempting Theft - #7
“7. Tell your people that any bequests or memorials or donated items (if given to the church or bought by the church with money parishioners have given) will, if you lose, belong to the diocese.”Read point six. Again. Then get back to work convincing your parishioners that the diocese wants their money to drown kittens and force puppies with big eyes to engage in immoral activities. And don’t forget to keep haranguing them to give their donations directly to you. Do I also need to repeat the bit about “in cash”?
Lessons Matt Kennedy Learned When Attempting Theft - #6
“6. Tell your people that every check written today will, if you lose, end up in diocesan coffers tomorrow. They need to know this so that they will be able to make free and informed choices with their money.”That’s because a loss means the Court will make the outrageous ruling that anything donated to the Episcopal Church actually belongs to the Episcopal Church. Instead of permitting your parishioners to continue faithfully supporting that part of the Body of Christ into which they have come, pressure them to start giving their offerings directly to a privately controlled “fighting fund”. Or even better, make them just give it all directly to you. In cash.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Lessons Matt Kennedy Learned When Attempting Theft - #5
“5. When/if a suit is filed, tell your people early and often that the lawsuit may very well end in defeat. Your task is to prepare everyone mentally, spiritually, and practically to lose all of the assets and the church buildings.”After leading your congregation into a quagmire of smelly brown stuff be certain to distance yourself from the fight. That way you can put all the blame on someone else when things turn nasty.
Lessons Matt Kennedy Learned When Attempting Theft - #4
“4. Retain an attorney familiar with church property disputes now...today. Even if your negotiations end amicably, you will need an attorney to help you work out the details of any agreement. And if the diocese turns to litigation, you will not need to rush about looking for a lawyer. You can focus all of your energy on leading.”This way you’ll have also locked your community’s finest legal minds into your side of the fight before it starts, forcing your opponents to make-do with second best. What’s more it ensures that even if things do end amicably you can still enjoy wasting your parishioners’ money by paying high-priced experts to undertake simple procedural tasks.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Lessons Matt Kennedy Learned When Attempting Theft - #3
“3. Never offer information about your financial stability, assets, or property.”
Transparency is a fine theory for Christians foolish enough to be concerned with storing up treasure in the next world, but if you’re interested in grabbing some decent assets in this one you should play your hand as closely as possible. That way if you lose there’s still a chance of holding on to a few morsels the other side couldn’t find.
Lessons Matt Kennedy Learned When Attempting Theft - #2
“2. Avoid meeting with the bishop or any diocesan representative(s) alone.”Escalate matters quickly by refusing to meet with anyone or discuss anything one-to-one. This will also help you to cease thinking of the other party as a real person, whom like you has also devoted their life to serving in a Church they love.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Lessons Matt Kennedy Learned When Attempting Theft - #1
“1. While in negotiations, before a lawsuit is filed, always be sure to document, in writing and in detail, the discussion and any decisions taken at every meeting with your bishop or members of the diocesan standing committee. Send copies to each of your allies present in the meeting. Have them print it out, date it, and sign it. Send a signed copy to the bishop and standing committee. These may or may not help you when and if the diocese sues, but they will almost always come in handy with the press.”Remember: just because you get your tail whipped in Court doesn’t mean you can’t get lazier members of the media to accept and publish every piece of garbage you feed them. The important thing is to ensure any morsels you distribute look official enough to fool the reporter’s sub-editor should they sufficiently awaken from their drunken stupor to question why someone claiming to be a journalist is filing this crap.
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