A Doctrinally Sound Easter Sunday Sermon.

Christ is risen: He is risen indeed!

And a wonderful thing it is too: if not we wouldn’t have been able to light our Paschal candle this morning, and in his frustration Bishop Quinine might have then started playing with matches again, which would mean we’d never be able to insure the Rectory.

Even so, it’s important for Biblical Christians keep a sense of perspective about our Lord’s resurrection. The barrier between death and life may have been shattered, and the veil which once separated the sacred from the profane forever rent in two, but Sinners must never start thinking this changes anything of consequence. God may have separated you from your sins as “far as the east is from the west”, as the Psalmist prophesized millennia before our SUVs came with factory-fitted GPS navigation, but this doesn’t mean He has necessarily forgotten about your wickedness. And even if He has, as long as Faithful Reasserters like myself can squeeze a stipend out of His people, preferably along with a regular supply of business-class tickets to conferences somewhere warm and sunny, He’ll always have someone to remind Him.

Indeed: there are even those who take things so far as to claim that in conquering death Christ actually accomplished some sort of decisive victory – as if there no longer remained any question about who really won the terrible struggle for humanity which culminated on this day. These are the same “teachers” who ludicrously insist that the Resurrection transcends questions of culture, hair color, sexuality, gender, marital status, and whether or not one likes Hellman’s mayonnaise. These Apostate Liberals whom, under the guise of slogans like “Love Wins”, presume to suggest that God, through the wonder of Jesus' Resurrection upon this day, has been reconciled with those less righteous than Conservative Christian Leaders such as myself. Which is as patently ridiculous as claiming that those who mourn shall be comforted, or that the the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to the poor in spirit.

Never forget, My Sinners, that although our Father in Heaven is loving and fair, it doesn’t necessarily follow that He’s also consistent. That He told us to forgive our enemies is hardly justification for presuming He has any intention of forgiving His, and a selectively literalist reading of the Scriptures proves He can’t wait to enjoy watching the eternal sufferings of those whom His Son’s all-powerfull victory, or, if you prefer, His Son’s perfect atoning sacrifice (I’m including this alternative especially for my Jensenist readers in Mordor, who’ve never heard of Aulén’s Christus Victor on account of it not being published by a private company in which members of their Archbishop’s family are major shareholders) failed to save.

After all, it’s not as if omnipotence doesn’t have its limits. Nor, even if Jesus was adamant that within His Father’s house are many mansions, should you ever go so far as to presume this means there's room for just anyone. Christian salvation is like a wedding, albeit one in which it’s the father of the groom who's holding the shotgun. Those brides scared enough to say "I do" have the promise of a great honeymoon in the sky – providing, of course, they remain steadfast, and never get caught being the person God made them to be, nor laughing out loud at suggestions little Bobby Duncan really is a Primate. While those not sufficiently frightened to go through with the wedding; those who leave the Groom standing alone and rejected at the altar in His divinely-rented suit, will be blasted by His Father into everlasting hellfire. Because let’s face it: the miracle of Easter might be impressive, but it’s not as significant as, for example, getting a comment approved by the elves at Kendall Harmon’s.

Remember: if God had really considered the Resurection big news He would have announced it through exclusive releases to George Conger and little David Virtue. Neither would - had He had the foresight to consult Leaders of my caliber – Easter Sunday continue to inspire and transform the lost, bewildered, disreputable and disrespectful in exactly the same way as it did almost two thousand years ago.

In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Book which was crucified,
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.