Sunday, April 24, 2011

A Doctrinally Sound Easter Sunday Sermon.

Christ is risen: He is risen indeed!

And a wonderful thing it is too: if not we wouldn’t have been able to light our Paschal candle this morning, and in his frustration Bishop Quinine might have then started playing with matches again, which would mean we’d never be able to insure the Rectory.

Even so, it’s important for Biblical Christians keep a sense of perspective about our Lord’s resurrection. The barrier between death and life may have been shattered, and the veil which once separated the sacred from the profane forever rent in two, but Sinners must never start thinking this changes anything of consequence. God may have separated you from your sins as “far as the east is from the west”, as the Psalmist prophesized millennia before our SUVs came with factory-fitted GPS navigation, but this doesn’t mean He has necessarily forgotten about your wickedness. And even if He has, as long as Faithful Reasserters like myself can squeeze a stipend out of His people, preferably along with a regular supply of business-class tickets to conferences somewhere warm and sunny, He’ll always have someone to remind Him.

Indeed: there are even those who take things so far as to claim that in conquering death Christ actually accomplished some sort of decisive victory – as if there no longer remained any question about who really won the terrible struggle for humanity which culminated on this day. These are the same “teachers” who ludicrously insist that the Resurrection transcends questions of culture, hair color, sexuality, gender, marital status, and whether or not one likes Hellman’s mayonnaise. These Apostate Liberals whom, under the guise of slogans like “Love Wins”, presume to suggest that God, through the wonder of Jesus' Resurrection upon this day, has been reconciled with those less righteous than Conservative Christian Leaders such as myself. Which is as patently ridiculous as claiming that those who mourn shall be comforted, or that the the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to the poor in spirit.

Never forget, My Sinners, that although our Father in Heaven is loving and fair, it doesn’t necessarily follow that He’s also consistent. That He told us to forgive our enemies is hardly justification for presuming He has any intention of forgiving His, and a selectively literalist reading of the Scriptures proves He can’t wait to enjoy watching the eternal sufferings of those whom His Son’s all-powerfull victory, or, if you prefer, His Son’s perfect atoning sacrifice (I’m including this alternative especially for my Jensenist readers in Mordor, who’ve never heard of Aulén’s Christus Victor on account of it not being published by a private company in which members of their Archbishop’s family are major shareholders) failed to save.

After all, it’s not as if omnipotence doesn’t have its limits. Nor, even if Jesus was adamant that within His Father’s house are many mansions, should you ever go so far as to presume this means there's room for just anyone. Christian salvation is like a wedding, albeit one in which it’s the father of the groom who's holding the shotgun. Those brides scared enough to say "I do" have the promise of a great honeymoon in the sky – providing, of course, they remain steadfast, and never get caught being the person God made them to be, nor laughing out loud at suggestions little Bobby Duncan really is a Primate. While those not sufficiently frightened to go through with the wedding; those who leave the Groom standing alone and rejected at the altar in His divinely-rented suit, will be blasted by His Father into everlasting hellfire. Because let’s face it: the miracle of Easter might be impressive, but it’s not as significant as, for example, getting a comment approved by the elves at Kendall Harmon’s.

Remember: if God had really considered the Resurection big news He would have announced it through exclusive releases to George Conger and little David Virtue. Neither would - had He had the foresight to consult Leaders of my caliber – Easter Sunday continue to inspire and transform the lost, bewildered, disreputable and disrespectful in exactly the same way as it did almost two thousand years ago.

In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Book which was crucified,
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

13 comments :

FrOrsen Cartes said...

Happy Easter Father! Since Our Lord's Glorious Resurrection, I have renounced the use of mayonnaise on my Yorkshire Pudding. I describe myself as "Post Hellmanns", and now have a ministry devoted to telling sinners of the wickedness of mayonnaise as a chosen lifestyle. We "conservatives" must always preach the true meaning of Easter:- That Hellmanns can lead to homosexualism.

Jim said...

rIt is wonderful to see you back after a rather long absence. Parole boards seem to be moving rather slowly these days.

Happy Easter!

FWIW
jimB

Nixon is Lord said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

On the contrary my little Brad Evans - as long as we have you we'll never feel ignored.

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Fr. Carte, Please, oh please don´t suggest that we must remove our Hellmanns slathering on to the sandwhiches (touch of mustard)! I left over Roast Beef for can´t stop! Next thing you know there will be no Yorkshire Pudding nor Brown Gravy to behold--a deadly act of terror against God´s Anglican faithful and a campaign that will no doubt be inspired by puritans who wish ¨misery¨ ¨company¨ on everyone else and have rushed to join the ACNA (and signed on to the not-so-anglican-covenant) and Pope Bennies deregulated outfit!

Tracie Holladay said...

Miracle Whip is heresy. Unrepentant, shameless heresy.

MadPriest said...

I have noticed that a lot of my readers are having major problems with personal sins and hopes of happiness. So I have instructed them all to read you excellent sermon on the true meaning of Easter.

Hermano David | Brother Dah • veed said...

I usually buy Best Foods.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Best Foods is also good, but I find when used as a facial emollient it doesn't give my cheeks quite same luxurious glow as Hellman's.

Grandmère Mimi said...

I use Hellmann's Light myself. Is Hellmann's all right if it's light?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

I must confess, Grandmère, that i once considered Hellman's Light a terrible heresy of the worst kind.

These days, however, I've softened my stance, and come to the opinion that it's a lot like running a mid-morning Family Mass in addition to the regular Solemn Eucharist - sure it's not the real thing, but a little pragmatic compromise is a whole lot better than nothing.

MadPriest said...

I don't know, Father C. From my experience, Hellman's Light = offering light. Cast the mayonnaise revisionists into outer darkness! That's my opinion.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

And it's certainly an opinion for which you've presented strong argument, Father.
Besides, few things are as enjoyable as a good casting, and it's always satisfying to find a new justification for having one.