Monday, April 25, 2011

Taking Liberties with Peter Ould.

Judging by the number of vanity searches for variations of “Rev. Peter Ould” landing here in the past few days – all from the same south English IP address – little Prostate Pete is still unemployed. Not for long, however, since as part of my undying pastoral concern I instructed Brother Richthofen and his friends from seminary to search for appropriate positions for the young man. Although why they insist this can only be done with Google’s “safe search” feature disabled is beyond me.

As a result I’m delighted to now announce we’ve found the perfect appointment for our little jobless Ould: with one of Mordor’s two officially sanctioned gay straightening ministries. That’s right Liberty Christian Ministries Inc. - undoubtedly so named because of the liberties they take with Christians – are advertising for a “Pastoral Worker”.

Truly, My Beloved Sinners, it sounds a fascinating role. Read the advertisement for yourselves and I sure you’ll agree that the world’s leading expert on Biblical bottoms is exactly the man they’re looking for – not only does he believe “no one is really gay” (I always knew Liberace was actually just a straight guy who liked sparkly clothes), but at the age of 23 Peter Ould even once felt the fleeting urge to “snog” someone on MTV. So it's obvious: he clearly knows everything there is to know about homosexualism.

As the advertisement includes a telephone number (+61 2 9451 7572) I’m encouraging everyone to call and explain how much these evangelical homosexualist straighteners need little Peter Ould. And don’t worry about a little thing like the time of day: I can guarantee the tired and rather stressed gentleman who answers the phone will be delighted to receive another call from someone singing our favorite post-gay’s praises.

Neither should any of you forget to send a supporting email to the address also provided: david@davidgpeterson.com. Brother Richthofen and his friends have felt called to contact every internet café in Nigeria with a request that signs featuring this email address, accompanied by a brief explanation in the local patios (“Dis bois be bigtime mugu) be prominently displayed next to each computer. This way as well as receiving a veritable tsunami of encouraging correspondence, Peter’s future employers will stand to obtain millions through inheritances from tragically killed aunts, the long-lost clients of dubious bank employees, and billionaire virgins confined in Sierra Leone refugee camps.

Indeed: the more I learn about the inspiring incorporation that is Liberty Christian Ministries, the more it impresses me. Take, for example, this excerpt from an address by someone called the Reverend Francis Chalwell (I swear that really is the name they give the good evangelical, and that I didn’t just lift it from a lesser known Georgian novel), to last year’s AGM: “Liberty does not seek to change anyone's sexual orientation.”

A similar claim occurs about halfway down another page on their website entitled “How You Can Help” (naturally sending money features prominently, while “minding your own business and concentrating on the things Jesus told us to worry about” doesn’t rate a mention): “At LCMI the goal of change is not reorientation into heterosexuality.” Such fine proclamations couldn’t be more correct – they just want people to feel guilty about their sexuality, and to hate themselves as much as Liberty says God hates them.

Or on the other hand, perhaps they’re just called “Liberty” because of the liberties they take with the truth.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

8 comments :

Stan Firm said...

In what fashion does one "raise and equip" one who volunteers to assist those who struggle with unwanted same sex attraction?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Good question indeed. Bishop Quinine insists it involves dressing them in lederhosen and making them dance to MTV while pretending they're Lisa Nolland, but I'll try and obtain a more authoritative answer from the weary soul answering the Liberty telephone when I next call him.

Calamity Jane said...

Interestingly enough Oulds believe everyone is heterosexual because the Bible says so somewhere in their twisted interpretation... but David Ould has taken someone to task in the Sydney Morning Herald for treating Bible passage as literal! That's an evangelical calling a fundamentalist rigid!

Anonymous said...

Fr Troll,
Do you know that the Rev Lane from the Anglican Church at Bellevue Hill wrote to Justice Kirby suggesting that Liberty Christian Ministries Inc could help him with his same sex attraction? And Sydney Anglicans want to be taken seriously! I think Peter Ould would fit perfectly with Moore College lecturers.He could help David Petersen keep women submissive and at the same time help Jane Tooher find a cure for gays... but wasn't he already been commissioned as their English puppet and paid the price?

Fr Orsen Carte said...

The UK Government is anxious to remove people from the Benefits system, forcing them back to work. There is a HUGE demand for ex-ministers who are medical experts on the male posterior. Britain needs more former-curates who are obsessed with bums, whilst claiming no one is really gay. Like Dobby Ould, I take God's Word literally. (1 Tim 5 says of the unemployed: "They learn to be idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not"). Prostate Pete should put his idle hands to work by investigating BRITISH bottoms first, whilst allowing his fundamentalist sibling to concentrate on Antipodean anuses.

Fred Schwartz said...

Fr. Christian,
Does he really need a paying position? I thought his former position (grabbing ankles was it?) with the Jenssen family was a non-paid position done for fun and not for prophet.

Fr Orsen Carte said...

Two of the world's greatest "Flying Bishops" are given an imprematur by one of the greatest theologians at Viagraville. Biblical Scholar, Dobby Ould, approves of frequent-flyers, NT Wright, and Little Pete Jensen's Easter Messages. Does this mean the kiss of death for these great men? I have read Dobby's commendation and, unlike his twin brother, there is no mention of men's bottoms.
http://www.standfirminfaith.com/?/sf/page/27417

Peter said...

Thank you for this. As one who has dabbled with queerosexual deliverance ministries, albeit rather tame when compared to the forthright, send us your cash, ministries noted above; I read the linked pages with interest. Of course my experience was with True Freedom Trust, back in the 1980s. Even, though I was theologically ignorant and naive then; I had enough nous to see much of its foundation was a modern day heresy: trying to marry an identity in Christ with psycho-babble ideas of the self, wholeness and one’s past (frighteningly individualistic!). A fellow homo acquaintance at the time told me to stay clear because when his pastor had parcelled him off to Liverpool to have ‘healing’ prayer for his little problem the counsellor at TFT had wandering hands...

I presume this was the same counsellor, one of TFT’s then trumpeted success stories, who had left queerdom behind and found happiness and wholeness in the loving arms of a woman; and had fathered two children along the way. Rather awkwardly for TFT he then decided to prefer to minster in Cockermouth and took himself off, up the M6, leaving wee wifey and children and thus four lives (including his own) were damaged in the effort to be something he wasn’t). Meanwhile, another one of the ‘greats’ of the self-proclaimed ‘healed’ homos – those with Evangelical smiles and a habit of droning on, with more than is necessary glee and pride, about their past lascivious lives, ‘witnessing’ at Evangelical jamborees and the like – became rather friendly with me. He wrote to me one day, telling of how he felt such a fraud, speaking at Spring Harvest (an annual gathering of Evangelicals). He was speaking, based on personal experience, of how the celibate homosexual could have a happy and fulfilled life in the bosom of his or her local church. The reason for him feeling a fraud about this was because at the time he was under the care of a psychiatrist for depression! But the lie has to go on, that being a homo is the worst of the worst, while Evangelicals (and others) can pat themselves on the back and say: ‘I may be a sinner, but at least I’m not as sinful as a homo!’; the warmth of self-righteousness filling their bodies for a very cheap price. And thus a culture is born where a gaggle of the ‘saved’ can gather, each making the same compromises with Scripture, each feeling a tad morally superior because at least s/he isn’t queer – and all missing the point of the Gospel, that there is no gradation of sin and we’re saved by Grace.

Despite Prostate Pete’s frank and open discussions on things sexual – particularly pertaining to the bottom area – it is surprising we hear little of his own homo experiences, save wanting to snog some fellow he saw on MTV. (Given his penchant for punctuating his website with video clips of scantily clad, attractive young men, gyrating to the latest dance tunes, you can’t help but think if he is really ‘cured’ of this desire...?). To borrow from Quentin Crisp’s analysis of those who dabble and then move on pastures heterosexual: is Prostate Pete a coot queer or a Kinsey queer? i.e. is he a through and through homosexual, who knew he was from an early age; or someone who just happens to fancy the odd bloke from time to time? (I should imagine a sizable number of happily married men fall into this latter camp – yet get on with their lives, without boring the world on the subjects of the prostate and the bum hole.) Perhaps his desire to try and corner the market in sexuality ministry is built on little more than his lifelong disability of wanting to appear as Mr Know-It-All; when in reality he doesn’t know very much?

Whatever, I will keep the appointments’ pages of the Church Times and Church of England Newspaper scanned for where Prostate Pete goes next. If I received his CV, a quick search on the internet re: Prostate Pete would be enough to pass his application to the ‘Thanks, but no thanks’ pile – and move on to someone famed for Christian ministry and not advanced proctology...