Judging by the number of vanity searches for variations of “Rev. Peter Ould” landing here in the past few days – all from the same south English IP address – little Prostate Pete is still unemployed. Not for long, however, since as part of my undying pastoral concern I instructed Brother Richthofen and his friends from seminary to search for appropriate positions for the young man. Although why they insist this can only be done with Google’s “safe search” feature disabled is beyond me.
As a result I’m delighted to now announce we’ve found the perfect appointment for our little jobless Ould: with one of Mordor’s two officially sanctioned gay straightening ministries. That’s right Liberty Christian Ministries Inc. - undoubtedly so named because of the liberties they take with Christians – are advertising for a “Pastoral Worker”.
Truly, My Beloved Sinners, it sounds a fascinating role. Read the advertisement for yourselves and I sure you’ll agree that the world’s leading expert on Biblical bottoms is exactly the man they’re looking for – not only does he believe “no one is really gay” (I always knew Liberace was actually just a straight guy who liked sparkly clothes), but at the age of 23 Peter Ould even once felt the fleeting urge to “snog” someone on MTV. So it's obvious: he clearly knows everything there is to know about homosexualism.
As the advertisement includes a telephone number (+61 2 9451 7572) I’m encouraging everyone to call and explain how much these evangelical homosexualist straighteners need little Peter Ould. And don’t worry about a little thing like the time of day: I can guarantee the tired and rather stressed gentleman who answers the phone will be delighted to receive another call from someone singing our favorite post-gay’s praises.
Neither should any of you forget to send a supporting email to the address also provided: firstname.lastname@example.org. Brother Richthofen and his friends have felt called to contact every internet café in Nigeria with a request that signs featuring this email address, accompanied by a brief explanation in the local patios (“Dis bois be bigtime mugu”) be prominently displayed next to each computer. This way as well as receiving a veritable tsunami of encouraging correspondence, Peter’s future employers will stand to obtain millions through inheritances from tragically killed aunts, the long-lost clients of dubious bank employees, and billionaire virgins confined in Sierra Leone refugee camps.
Indeed: the more I learn about the inspiring incorporation that is Liberty Christian Ministries, the more it impresses me. Take, for example, this excerpt from an address by someone called the Reverend Francis Chalwell (I swear that really is the name they give the good evangelical, and that I didn’t just lift it from a lesser known Georgian novel), to last year’s AGM: “Liberty does not seek to change anyone's sexual orientation.”
A similar claim occurs about halfway down another page on their website entitled “How You Can Help” (naturally sending money features prominently, while “minding your own business and concentrating on the things Jesus told us to worry about” doesn’t rate a mention): “At LCMI the goal of change is not reorientation into heterosexuality.” Such fine proclamations couldn’t be more correct – they just want people to feel guilty about their sexuality, and to hate themselves as much as Liberty says God hates them.
Or on the other hand, perhaps they’re just called “Liberty” because of the liberties they take with the truth.
I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.