Friday, April 8, 2011

An Open Letter to Gollum of Mordor*

Dear Gollum,

Please forgive my delay in properly responding to the insightful comments you left on
my earlier homily, but those of us called to serve in apostate liberal churches, where those in charge lack your Archbishop’s brilliant financial acumen, and Bible-believing clergy like myself can but dream of a diocese in which hundreds of millions of dollars worth of assets can be squandered without any of the men responsible being held accountable, find ourselves particularly busy at this time of year.

This is because of an appalling revisionist innovation called “Lent” – which I have been told is virtually unknown in your own “traditionally Anglican” Diocese of Sydney. It’s a terrible time: instead of teaching the Scriptures, Ministers are called help their fellow humans (ie. what Bible-believers like you and I call “godless sinners”) stop and consider their lives in relation to God without so much as a single reference to the really big problems confronting the world today – namely other people’s sexuality, and the Holy Spirit’s insolent refusal to ensure someone has a penis before calling them to the Priesthood.

Even so, don’t think that I haven’t been too busy to check the site logs and see you regularly calling by here. Few things give me as much joy as knowing how much my teaching blesses those who don’t otherwise read anything not produced and sold by
a privately-owned company in which at least one member of their Archbishop’s family is a major shareholder.

Nor has the past month seen any lessening in my admiration for the speed with you raced into the blogosphere to rejoice in the defeat of the miserable sinner who was so wicked as to
try and sue one of Lord Volder-Jensen’s favourite house-elves for defamation. Certainly Jesus said something foolish about seeking out one lost sheep in a flock of one hundred, but given your transparent joy in this victory I think we can all rest easy in the knowledge that nobody’s ministering to him now.

Not that I’m actually sure if you and your fellow serfs minister to anyone other than yourselves. I’ve recently received a wonderful DVD from one of My Beloved Sinners, which I am told is presented to those visiting what the captives of Mordor euphemistically call the “
Cathedral” – and believe me it’s fascinating! From the delightfully subtle overview of Sydney diocesan history (Did the world really change from monochrome to color when little Peter was elected?) to your racially segregated worship (just like St. Paul insisted upon separate gatherings for Jews, gentiles, Greeks, Romans, & Slaves) the Jensen family is unquestionably reasserting some of the most novel additions to Anglicanism the world has ever seen. And don’t get me started about the wonderfully named “Katheral Kids” – how did your Dean ever manage to resist the urge to add the word “Klan” to that delightful group’s name?

In closing, however, I must express disappointment in your suggestion that some might respond to this astonishing breakthrough in the use of character assassination as a tool for pastoral care by suggesting the Judge “appears to have foolishly fallen in with the Jensen mafia”. Everyone knows that these days you Sydney evangelicals are hard pressed buying a little positive newspaper coverage. There’s no longer any way you can afford to buy a Judge.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

* An enthusiastic propagandist for little Peter Jensen’s “Anglican” Diocese of Sydney, who was insightfully identified as “Gollum” by our regular reader and contributor Fr. Maxwell Smart. Some have even dared to hope that he is the same young man (whose meteoric success is purely the product of his own immeasurable talent) who wasted no time in gloating over this matter here.

So far I have been unable to ascertain if the Rev. Dominic Steele - a house-elf whom I am informed is even more beloved by the young man’s family than is our own dear Dobby - at the heart of this matter is the same individual of that name whom a certain David Ould of Neutral Bay described as “incompetent” on a
now closed blog. For reasons which couldn’t possibly be related to the longevity of his career little Dobby has grown uncharacteristically silent when questioned.


Anonymous said...

Was Haydn harassed or threatened with legal action? Perhaps Asian porn was posted on his blogsite, as was done to Alcibiades blog? Maybe one honourable evangelical may have even asked him what he did when he got a "hard on" in the middle of the night? I mean that is the standard question that puritans ask isn't it? Anyone know if he still has his job?

Calamity Jane said...

Speaking of Sydney Calvinists... was Russell Powell actually justifying the burning of the Koran by Florida Pastor Terry Jones?

Lapinbizarre said...

Assume you have seen Sydney's recent online pamphlet The Lord's Supper in Human Hands - Epilogue.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Ah yes Lapin - but I fear the terrible Fr. Bosco's application of intelligence and liturgical awareness with an understanding of history may represent a pinnacle in the gentle art of casting pearls before swine.

Anonymous said...

It's finally happened... the Lord of Mordor is training his footsoldiers! He must be equipping himself for Good Friday. How the mighty have fallen; once able to buy the power and influence it needed, when seen as one of Australia's leading investors... even if it was a borrowed $260 million!

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

That link is a classic, Anon 5:05. I defy anyone to keep a straight face while reading:

" 'We employed Andrew Beddoe to do research and development work for 12 months and set him the goal of starting a pilot program of five apprentices in 2011.'

The program has three apprentices this year and several more are considering the program for 2012.

So they've already failed to meet their target (and later on it's revealed that one of the three they managed to scrape up is actually just a transfer from their existing program) and yet they're still spinning it as a success. If only chutzpah could sustain one on a permanent basis...