An Open Letter to Gollum of Mordor*

Dear Gollum,

Please forgive my delay in properly responding to the insightful comments you left on my earlier homily, but those of us called to serve in apostate liberal churches, where those in charge lack your Archbishop’s brilliant financial acumen, and Bible-believing clergy like myself can but dream of a diocese in which hundreds of millions of dollars worth of assets can be squandered without any of the men responsible being held accountable, find ourselves particularly busy at this time of year.

This is because of an appalling revisionist innovation called “Lent” – which I have been told is virtually unknown in your own “traditionally Anglican” Diocese of Sydney. It’s a terrible time: instead of teaching the Scriptures, Ministers are called help their fellow humans (ie. what Bible-believers like you and I call “godless sinners”) stop and consider their lives in relation to God without so much as a single reference to the really big problems confronting the world today – namely other people’s sexuality, and the Holy Spirit’s insolent refusal to ensure someone has a penis before calling them to the Priesthood.

Even so, don’t think that I haven’t been too busy to check the site logs and see you regularly calling by here. Few things give me as much joy as knowing how much my teaching blesses those who don’t otherwise read anything not produced and sold by a privately-owned company in which at least one member of their Archbishop’s family is a major shareholder.

Nor has the past month seen any lessening in my admiration for the speed with you raced into the blogosphere to rejoice in the defeat of the miserable sinner who was so wicked as to try and sue one of Lord Volder-Jensen’s favourite house-elves for defamation. Certainly Jesus said something foolish about seeking out one lost sheep in a flock of one hundred, but given your transparent joy in this victory I think we can all rest easy in the knowledge that nobody’s ministering to him now.

Not that I’m actually sure if you and your fellow serfs minister to anyone other than yourselves. I’ve recently received a wonderful DVD from one of My Beloved Sinners, which I am told is presented to those visiting what the captives of Mordor euphemistically call the “Cathedral” – and believe me it’s fascinating! From the delightfully subtle overview of Sydney diocesan history (Did the world really change from monochrome to color when little Peter was elected?) to your racially segregated worship (just like St. Paul insisted upon separate gatherings for Jews, gentiles, Greeks, Romans, & Slaves) the Jensen family is unquestionably reasserting some of the most novel additions to Anglicanism the world has ever seen. And don’t get me started about the wonderfully named “Katheral Kids” – how did your Dean ever manage to resist the urge to add the word “Klan” to that delightful group’s name?

In closing, however, I must express disappointment in your suggestion that some might respond to this astonishing breakthrough in the use of character assassination as a tool for pastoral care by suggesting the Judge “appears to have foolishly fallen in with the Jensen mafia”. Everyone knows that these days you Sydney evangelicals are hard pressed buying a little positive newspaper coverage. There’s no longer any way you can afford to buy a Judge.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

* An enthusiastic propagandist for little Peter Jensen’s “Anglican” Diocese of Sydney, who was insightfully identified as “Gollum” by our regular reader and contributor Fr. Maxwell Smart. Some have even dared to hope that he is the same young man (whose meteoric success is purely the product of his own immeasurable talent) who wasted no time in gloating over this matter here.

So far I have been unable to ascertain if the Rev. Dominic Steele - a house-elf whom I am informed is even more beloved by the young man’s family than is our own dear Dobby - at the heart of this matter is the same individual of that name whom a certain David Ould of Neutral Bay described as “incompetent” on a now closed blog. For reasons which couldn’t possibly be related to the longevity of his career little Dobby has grown uncharacteristically silent when questioned.