Sunday, April 10, 2011

Poor Peter Ould (Nobody jump to any conclusions now - mmmkay?)

Upon recently hearing that the Priest of Prostate, little Peter Ould, had left the lovely Hertfordshire Church which he made internationally famous as the world’s leading (and quite possibly only) Conservative Institute of Biblical Bum-fun, and moved to Canterbury, I quite naturally assumed it was because the Archbishop-of-Archbishops had finally realized it was high time he moved on and let someone who knows everything have a go at the job. Either that or one of His Grace’s aides-de-camp persuaded him to relax a little, and brought in a young Clergyman with the skill to really get those eyebrows twitching.

Consequently, My Beloved Sinners, you can all imagine my utter horror when it was explained to me that little Pete hasn’t been promoted to higher (or lower, depending on one’s perspective regarding such matters) service. No, the shocking truth is that the Rev. Peter Ould and his favorite gland have moved because he is unemployed.

Not of course, that there is anything inherently shameful about that. Not even for a young Conservative who has frequently spoken of his admiration for St. Baroness Margaret Thatcher. After all, if unemployed people were really as terrible as she made them out to be she wouldn’t have created so many of them. Even I have been unemployed on a number of occasions, generally just after being released from incarcertation. Although there was the time when I felt called to explore the Rastafarian side of my spirituality, but given the cut-throat jealousy of the world of Conservative Blogging it’s probably better we don’t mention that. Besides, there’s absolutely no proof I ever inhaled.

Mind you, if I recall what happened when one of My Dearly Beloved Sinners found himself unemployed, the appropriate thing to do on such occasions is to publish a piece at Viagraville making all manner of outlandish allegations concerning their circumstance. After all, given that many people are unaware of the true reason little Peter has left Christ Church, it would surely better to better to set the record straight before tongues really start wagging – if I may be excused for using a not entirely palatable metaphor given the number of prostate references already in this homily.

Thus my advice is that littlest Pete instructs his brother Dobby to post something outlandish and utterly untrue, in order to dissuade people from engaging in further speculation. Such as, for example, that the lad was caught in flagrante delicto with the quintessentially equine Lisa Nolland. Although on second thoughts, perhaps not. People would never believe such a thing: Dr. Nolland's standards are higher than that. Nor does she have a prostate.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

20 comments :

Anonymous said...

It is SHOCKING that Prostate Pete is now in such close proximity to Rowan Williams that he will be able to shove his male gland down the Arcbishop's throat. Perhaps Mr Ould's unemployed status results from spending so many hours a day blogging about men's bums he has no time left to 'cure' gay men in the flesh. I suggest Mr Ould finds a job in the Global South. Surely Neutral Bay 'Anglican' Church could provide a platform for another Ould with an identical bottom from which the litigious twins speak regularly.

Dame Clara Butt said...

More proof that in the Divine Order, what goes around comes around if you screw with Fr Carte.

smithj1@unisa.ac.za said...

Nice to see that you're still blogging, Fr Christian. I see the StandFirmites are now slagging off Rob Bell, a man who has managed to win the respect of staunch atheists and who genuinely seeks to help people with real problems (rather than phoney theological ones).

I'm looking to read more, though, on your blog about the Krazy Kennedys.

Jane (Pretoria, South Africa)

Anonymous said...

Lisa Nolland might like to manage me. I'm a blueblood with a prostate!

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Not so shocking...hopefully he´ll post here and set us all straight--well, probably not in some cases.

Calamity Jane said...

Who is this Fr Carte? He sounds like he should be writing books for the School of Divinity. His talents would be wasted at Matthias Media!

Leonardo Ricardo said...

I hate it when Father Carte goes away (or just does cameos)...come out, come out, wherever you are!

L F Antyne said...

Maybe the tightly-puckered anuses of Christ Church, Ware took a dim view of Prostate Pete's obsession.

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Now, now, My Sinners! I realize that little Peter Ould hasn't offered us any explanation of his departure, and that it's only natural for everyone's imaginations to run riot, but there's quite probably a perfectly simple explanation which doesn't involved the puckering of any orifices whatsoever. Elvis, for example, may have landed in a spaceship full of extraterrestrials on a quest for knowledge regarding the growth of interestingly-styled facial hair.

Besides, after all those years of experiencing the Rev. Ould's unique homiletic obsessions, I'm quite sure that the good burghers of Ware are completely relaxed in that department. It's helping him find another parish that is equally committed to turning homosexualists into straight young men with a purely intellectual/theological interest in bum-play that will prove the real challenge for us all...

Anonymous said...

Now that Prostate Peter Ould has time on his post-gay hands, it might be worthwhile for him to establish the "Canterbury Institute of Anal Theology". As a man who claims to know everything, Pete is well-placed to investigate Rowan William's posterior to ensure it conforms to Biblical Regulations. I would be happy, as a "conservative" sinner, to have Pete look up my own bottom to ensure it has never broken any of God's Rules.

Greasy Joan said...

Can we drop this right now? Before we know it, someone will pop up to speculate on the extent of Rowan's hirsutity (is there such a word?) and none of us, I feel certain, wants to travel down that rabbit hole.

Rev Albert Shufflebottom said...

As a Baptist Minister residing in Canterbury, I am looking for an unemployed minister who is a medical expert on male appendages. I have many young men in my congregation who need a Youth Leader to advise on God's View of prostate stimulation. By accident, I found a Bald Baptist who seems to think he's an Anglican! Is this strange-looking man an imposter? Is he licensed in the Church of England to talk codswallop? Do you think my young men would think he's a hunky role-model on which to base their rampant heterosexualism? Or is this man an orange homosexualist?
http://www.peter-ould.net/2011/03/12/ask-peter-march/

Leonardo Ricardo said...

Rowan's hirsutity (is there such a word?) and none of us, I feel certain, wants to travel down that rabbit hole.¨ GJ

Oh my, no. The thought of *that* combined with a +John David Schofield ¨Blue Bird of Happiness¨ duet/gruesome-twosome rocks my lancha (as well as ruins my lunch).

Rev. Canon Dr. Mr. Fr. Wango T. Nimblenuts said...

Joan, I have it on good authority that underneath his clericals Rowan William is just as hairy as a bear.

Anonymous said...

I think there might be an opening at this Icelandic Museum for the unemployed Peter Ould. His name would fit nicely.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/04/12/icelands-penis-museum-get_n_847907.html

Fr. Maxwell Smart+

Anonymous said...

Didn't someone once say that Mr Ould's facial hair made him resemble a member of the opposite sex?

Brian said...

The roumour round here is that the recent disappearances of Fr Carte and Prostate Pete are not coincidental.

Peter said...

It is curious that one of the final comments I made on Fr Orsen’s much missed Organ of Enlightenment was concerning the future career of Revd Peter Ould. We both concluded that despite the Anglican Church having a shortage of ordained ministers, few parishes would welcome with open arms a man so famed for writing omniscient articles on what people do with in the privacy of their own bedrooms.

I must say, in defence of poor Petey, that I did admire, in part, his motives. There was, and remains, a good deal of nonsense on the subject of homosexuality and sex in general in church circles. Yet most right minded people cannot agree with poor Petey’s methods or his obsessions – not to mention his belief in the validity of his own opinions that bordered on psychotic mania – or at least a touch of the Dr Asperger’s. Alas I think his main problem is that he labours under the delusion that he is a good deal brighter than really is... A terrible misfortune to have to carry through life. He alone could almost be tolerated and allowances made for him; however some of those others who commented on his site – especially the most vehemently anti-homosexualist often had a whiff of self-righteousness, self-deceit, seminal fluid and shame hanging around their posts... Well, I’m banned from the site, so I have forgo the pleasures of Petey Prostate Pronouncements for the time being.

I live in the same diocese where Petey was once the Prostate Pastor. A twenty minute car journey would have taken me to hear him speak his words of Wisdom on a Sunday morning, should I have been overcome with mental incapacity and desired such a recreation! Word has it that after a long interregnum the parish now has a vicar and it could just be that one or both don’t want to share the parish with the other. It is odd that Petey, so verbose in his opinions and pronouncements is now silent and especially silent on journey to unemployment.

Well, there is lots to do in Canterbury – and the 1960s drab shopping centre has a surfeit of charity shops, and the town has more than its share of homeless services etc. so Petey could always get himself a job volunteering – perhaps doing a bit of good for once.

One would think, to return to an earlier point, that given the paucity of clergy in the CofE, that poor Petey would have to fight off offers for a job. The fact he’s twiddling his thumbs perhaps suggest others don’t have quite so high an opinion of Revd Peter and his ability has he does...

Well, as we used to say in the monastery: thank God for failures, they breed humility.... We can but hope....

P.

Anonymous said...

Could this man really be a Sydney Anglican? The cloning strategy went amiss!

Anonymous said...

What a shame little Pete has stopped scratching his prostate and has retired from proclaiming his gayness