Prophesy Proclaims Palin Landslide!

Polls are closing as I write this, and a prophetic Word has just come upon me to announce that, as Bible-believing Christians have all expected, this election is going to be a landslide for Sarah Palin and the most perceptive pair of spectacles since Joseph Smith’s peep-stones gave the Mormons some wriggle-room on polygamy.

As faithful sinners will know, Gafconeers like myself are traditionally wary of gifts of prophesy, preferring to justify whatever it is we want to impose upon others by squeezing the Bible until a few verses have been sufficiently twisted to support our position. Yet recently Bishop Quinine has developed quite an interest in herbal medicine, and together we’ve begun spending our evenings researching the plants he’s picked while loitering behind the sports ground changing rooms. Remarkably this has coincided with a dramatic increase in my spirit-given visionary powers, and when it comes to speaking with divine authority this way is certainly a lot more relaxing than spending hours fishing through a concordance.

What’s more, in the future this is going to where the big money consultancy positions are. You mark my words, there’ll be no more bean-counting little neo-cons with their MBAs and masters in creative accounting running around the White House under the Palin/McCain administration. Nor will we go back to the Nancy Reagan days of astrology and examining chicken entrails: the future belongs to men in checked suits with glazed eyes and a head full of apocalyptic visions featuring dinosaurs fighting disciples in sandals, and I for one can’t wait to submit my first invoice for “policy advice”.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.