Saturday, May 14, 2011

Breaking News: Martyngale to Sing in Berkeley Square!

As those Beloved Sinners sufficiently righteous to be numbered among myFacebook friends will be aware, after years of trying Bishop Quinine has finally magnetized his skull plate.* Unfortunately he was in the Rectory kitchen at the time, and the force generated proved so powerful that that our Primate-in-residence was dragged across the room to the refrigerator, to which he has remained magnetically adhered ever since.

In search of a solution to this minor inconvenience he has been feverishly studying everything Charles Berlitz wrote on the Philadelphia Experiment (Mr. Berlitz, for those unfamiliar with his legacy, was to science what little David Virtue is to theology). Whilst so far finding nothing of any help in relation to demagnetization, he currently (no pun intended) has Evangelical Eric constructing a Tesla coil around himself and his conjoined appliance. Once completed and electrified he is certain this will result in the ability to travel freely through space and time – hopefully sans the parish Kenmore.

Mind you, I can’t see what the fuss is. I've never encountered a faux-bishop not floating around with his head in the clouds. For the latest example one need look no further than dear little layman Martyn Minns. Having bailed the CANA “lifeboat” for longer than could ever be reasonably expected of a man who’s eyes still gleam purple with ambitious desperation, he’s now announced an end to his life of simultaneously juggling Bobby Duncan’s sect whilst massaging egos in Lagos.

Instead he’s going to be heading up a “GAFCON Global Coordination office” in London, which among other important gospel essentials like have an impressive desk and a shiny computer from which he will speak with the authentic voice of Anglicans in the developing world, but will also be the planning nerve-center for the most exciting thing to happen to my Google ranking since the GAFCON pilgrimage itself – GAFCON 2. (Don’t worry Martyn: I’ve already registered “Gafcon 2” with Blogspot, and as we get nearer the big day I’m sure there’ll be no shortage of Beloved Sinners willing to post there to help keep Googling media-types heading our way).

Of course the best thing about this exciting news (which I notice at time of writing little Martyn hasn’t bothered to share with his flock via the CANA News site - but hey: what business has any of this to do with those who pay to keep him in the manner to which a faux-bishop is entitled?) is that it means little Bobby Duncan won’t have to cross his fingers any more when saying “Yes – the Province of ACNA is officially recognized in England.” How long after Minns’ has signed the lease on a nice little carpeted hole in the wall do you think it will be before Bobby issues a release to that effect? My money’s on twenty minutes, but Consuella gives him five max.

I’m Father Christian and I teach the Bible.

*For the curious: Bishop Quinine’s skull plate was surgically implanted as a result of his childhood abduction by vivisectionists, who mistook him for a rare species of hairless monkey. Sold to a Swiss pharmaceutical conglomerate, it was only several months after experiments had commenced that he was identified as human and released.


Fred Schwartz said...

This sounds like Martyngate not Martyngale.

Leonardo Ricardo said...

¨Sold to a Swiss pharmaceutical conglomerate, it was only several months after experiments had commenced that he was identified as human and released.¨ Father Troll

Apparently Greg Venables of Conealone wasn´t so lucky and Duncan Pitts never grew out of it.

Fr Egbert Twinkinson said...

I thought you must be very busy with Gafcon, the Sequel. I am sure you will need to decorate your new office in a style befitting the Lord's anointed, so have suggested one of my acolytes with a flair for interior design gets in touch. He has an excellent sense of space as he was studying to be an architect, but had to leave over some unpleasantness involving, if I remember, flying buttresses.

Anonymous said...

Fr. Christian,

Perhaps Evangelical Eric should consult Peter Ould regarding the latest in AC/DC Current theology. If only one could break the attachment, then maybe Bishop Quinine could be released from his magnetic captivity. Just a suggestion. BTW, is the Bishop suffering from any migraines?

Fr. Maxwell Smart+

BOQ said...

Skull plates can be put to profitable use, Fr Christian. The August 5, 1935 issue of Time reports that

"Thomas M. Sayman, St. Louis' eccentric, 81-year-old patent medicine millionaire who concocts a liniment for dog, horse and man. once financed a country club venture of Bishop M. Crawford, trapshooter. When it failed, Medicineman Sayman barged about town publicly abusing Crawford, claiming he had been "beaten out of his money." Trapshooter Crawford sued, last week won $52,002 damages for slander. Sayman, whose pet diversion is "bumping heads with anybody for any amount of money" to show how thick his skull is, has been in countless litigations, never before lost a major one. Irrepressible during his trial, he called witnesses liars, swung his stick at photographers. Accused at one point of threatening Crawford with his revolver, which he calls "Of Becky Trueheart," Sayman crowed: "The police took it away from me that morning"."

Although it is not reported by "Time", "Doc" Sayman had a steel plate in his skull.

Anonymous said...

The website of the Falls Church states:
“When Bishop Martyn Minns (who was born in England) flies into Heathrow Airport near London, he flashes his UK passport and the guard greets him with "Welcome home, Mr. Minns!" On his return flight into Newark Airport outside of New York City, he pulls out his US passport and the security officer says, 'Welcome home, Mr. Minns!"

Forbes in April reported the 3 richest counties in the US, Falls Church, Loudoun and Fairfax VA. Minns was at Truro Fairfax. He preached at Falls Church on April 11th...

I ask: When he pulls in to Air Abuja, do they simply ask him to unload his pockets?

Anonymous said...

Is there any chance that Minns will go back to England for good?

I would be willing to fork out some serious green to be rid of him.

BOQ said...

And live on an English clerical stipend? Fat chance.

Anonymous said...

Maybe he could go to Nigeria and live on one of their clerical stipends.