Monday, May 2, 2011

Ding dong, the witch is dead?

Isn’t it what you’d expect from a bearded foreigner? I’d just completed writing an inspired and sensitive epilogue to my important role at the Royal Wedding, and was about to post it when news came through that Osama bin Laden has gone to meet his 72 virgins. Or whatever it is that happens to those choosing his manner of lifestyle when the big broker in the sky makes an option call. (The share market metaphor is especially for my dear little Jensenist readers, who visit on an almost daily basis, and whom I know have been feeling neglected in recent homilies.)

Still, Consuella has been complaining about having heard enough of this epic celebration of democracy, and keeps muttering something about “pan y circo para el pueblo”, so it’s probably better to postpone my original piece for a while. It may be spring, but here in Ichabod Springs the weather’s still not yet pleasant enough for a Doctrinal Warrior to keep his own bed warm at night.

So with no further ado, let me begin by stressing that Bin Laden's death signifies the beginning of a wonderful new era. Henceforth Christians should expect young Islamic men to cease growing beards and wrapping their heads in their grandmother’s tea towel. Instead of starting their day listening to some constipated mullah calling the faithful to prayer, they’ll be taking wholesome cold showers before enjoying a diligent Quiet Time studying Every Day With Jesus. Rather than mindlessly repeating “Allahu Akbar” they’ll be reverentially shouting “PTL!” and telling complete strangers about “the awesomely awesome time of teaching and worship we shared at fellowship last Friday night”.

Consequently it’s obvious this truly is an occasion for celebration. Stop and consider, if you will, how many internet-savvy sinners have today taken a break from their restless quest for nudie pics to glorify Christ by conducting Google searches based around the phrase “dead Osama gore”. And think how much media attention has been diverted away from the popish idolatry of John Paul II’s beatification – no wonder the Romans are trying to rain on the parade.

After all, just take a look at this picture I lifted from The Washington Post of bin Laden’s house:

Osama bin Laden House
I mean really; just look at that grass. It must have been weeks since the man made one of his wives mow it. Anyone capable of letting crabgrass go to seed like that is simply a menace to society. And don’t be fooled by the rest of the place, sure he’s got neat bits of what look like old pickup trucks lying around, and that satellite dish looks damn fine, but see how there’s no deck? And no barbecue! That means he was the kind of guy who never invited his buddies around to share the great reception he gets on Fox Sports over a few beers and pork ribs. Which proves beyond all doubt he was evil, and got what was coming.

Of course there’s always someone who thinks the Bible is relevant at a time like this. After finding someone else I wisely stopped looking. People who suggest the Bible has any relevance when It’s not talking about homosexualists, or being used to keep women out of leadership, are just dangerous as far as I’m concerned. Invariably they’re the same type who try and claim following Jesus involves a commitment to some ludicrous ethic transcending the god-given Babylonian precept of ‘an eye for an eye’.

What I am nervous about, however, is that having finally executed a man responsible for the death of thousands, the Coalition of the Willing is going to move on to those responsible for the deaths of millions. And where will that leave the fine upstanding men and women responsible for unsafe automobiles, tobacco, and unaffordable health care?

I’m Father Christian and I teach the bible.


Anonymous said...

Imagine my shock and horror when I read your announcement of the death of a bearded foreigner. I had just witnessed such a figure conduct the wedding of two Royal personages. Happily, he is still alive in Lambeth Palace, although many "conservatives" are calling for the assassination of this scruffy mullah. Is it not time for the FBI to place his mug-shot on their "Most Wanted" website? It is time for a Calvinist Jihad. Perhaps your Sydney readers might ask Mr Obama to send his Special Forces to Lambeth to replace Rowan with Osama ben Jensen.

MadPriest said...

Father C, I think we are in danger of throwing the baby out with the bath water here (a pro-abortionist stance if ever I saw one). Even something as inherently wicked as somebody else's religion can contain elements of the truth. I am sure I am not alone in recognising the marked similarities between the late Bin Laden's leadership style and that of a certain internationally famed Christian pastor of great wisdom (and, no, I'm not referring to the poppa or the head of the family firm here).

Today the world lost an evil murderer but we also lost a fine example of evangelical zeal and godly leadership. Life is never simple (if it was, where would be the opportunities for making lots of money).

Calamity Jane said...

Is this Osama ben Jensen's love child?

The Rev. Dr. Christian Troll said...

Thank's for that Calamity Jane... isn't it wonderful what parents who really hate their kids can make them do in the name of bad religion?

Stan Firm said...

Did you see, Frs Christian & Carte, that Rowan, with his unerring capacity for snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, has followed his royal wedding surge (tho' did he have to wear a cope with a gigantic sperm wiggling up its back?) with condemnation of the bin Laden killing? He'd have kept silent, maybe, bin Laden had been gay?

Lapinbizarre said...

Bit of raw anti-Americanism from Fr Carte's late diocesan at Ruth Gledhill's blog (ht Kendall Harmon).

"imagine that the British government, seeing the murderers [IRA terrorists] escape justice, sends an aircraft carrier (always supposing we’ve still got any) to the Nova Scotia coast. From there, unannounced, two helicopters fly in under the radar to the Boston suburb where the terrorists are holed up. They carry out a daring raid, killing the (unarmed) leaders and making their escape. Westminster celebrates; Washington is furious.

What’s the difference between this and the recent events in Pakistan? Answer: American exceptionalism. America is allowed to do it, but the rest of us are not. By what right? Who says?"

Anonymous said...

I guess Wright is feeling ignored lately.

Ms A Solemnis said...

Tom Wright condemns border crossing has a nice ring.

Anonymous said...

So the Anti- LGBT Bill is back on the table in Uganda!

Anonymous said...

There is a petition circulating protesting the ugandan anti - bill that will be decided on in 48 hours.

Anonymous said...

Dear Father Christian,

May I humbly bring to your attention the fact that one of your deacons shamefully neglected to prompt you to post a Mother's Day homily?

I am sure that those-who-shan't-be-ordained within your own parish were heaped with flowers and hearts at a level of pomp and circumstance that succeeded in covering up their obvious second-class citizenship.

But what about the rest of us? We are not able to master the art of biblical nuance required to tastefully make these points. We depend on you sir!

If you are able to whip up an insert for the parish newsletter using the occasion of Mother's Day past to reinforce a message about the only acceptable form and function for marriage, please know I have held a space open for it.

And sorry for using this comment box for this purpose. Like some others who have posted on this thread, I have misplaced your personal cell phone number.

a soon-to-be priest of the ordinariate.

Anonymous said...

It is time for you to get on a 'plane and return to London, Father. Even more exciting than a Royal Wedding is the proposed GAFCON meeting in its new Headquarters. Will you be having a Penthouse Suite in your capacity as Chairman?